


Finding Freedom

by Jay2Noir



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Abandonment, Accidental Pregnancy, Birth Control, Blindfolds, Breastfeeding, Childbirth, Children, Dad Kylo Ren, Emotional, F/M, Food Kink, Food Play, Kid Fic, Kylo Ren Angst, Kylo Ren Has Issues, Kylo Ren Needs a Hug, Kylo Ren is a daddy, Loss of Virginity, Marriage, Marriage Proposal, Panic Attacks, Past Abuse, Possessive Kylo Ren, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Pregnancy, Sex, Smut, Tag As I Go, Therapy, Unplanned Pregnancy, Weddings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-26
Updated: 2020-01-30
Packaged: 2021-02-26 22:01:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 17
Words: 67,774
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21976147
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jay2Noir/pseuds/Jay2Noir
Summary: Kylo Ren’s best kept secret exists within his own home. He brought the girl home with him after running through her planet on a rampage, and found that she was more than willing to please him if he kept her alive. She seemed content with living in his quarters, minding her business, offering up her body to him whenever he needed her, and he found himself taking solace in her company. Things go smoothly for their secret relationship until she accidentally falls pregnant, and when the rumors begin to spread around every First Order territory that the Supreme Leader has a secret child Kylo finds himself at an impasse. Will he come to terms with the needs of his family that he’s held in secrecy for so long, or will he turn to more extreme options to keep them out of the public eye? The decision is difficult for a man who has learned to keep everything he loves a secret for most of his life, but if his time with these two people has taught him anything, it’s that some secrets are worth breaking free from.Free from The Rise of Skywalker spoilers
Relationships: Kylo Ren/Original Female Character(s), Kylo Ren/Reader, Kylo Ren/You
Comments: 65
Kudos: 300





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Ah. Feels so good to be a college graduate. I found myself craving some good dad/family Kylo Ren and had to write this little story. This was actually a sequence I wanted to fit into another story I wrote but never found a spot for it. So here it is now!

You hadn’t the slightest idea who the First Order was until they stormed your small planet, attacked your government, and began slaughtering those who refused to bend to their will. You had always been a loner, no friends and no near family when you had tried and failed to attend a college on the planet they had taken. You were definitely struggling just to stay afloat, and you were hardly surprised when a week into the First Order’s rein your small, shitty apartment was broken into and you were dragged from your bed, out into the dirt where you found more of your neighbors on their knees at the mercy of the Storm Troopers that held guns at their noses. “Do you submit to the First Order?” They’d ask. “Give up your property. Give up your life!” They said rattling everyone to their bones. You were of course afraid for your life just as everyone else was. Especially when your neighbor stood to his feet and ran as fast as he could only to receive a blaster wound to his back. He fell to the ground, bleeding to his slow and painful death. The Storm Troopers giggled as they watched his body fall. You as well as all of your neighbors were haunted as they allowed you to stand and return to your homes, but only after they got a sheet full of signatures that said you and all of your worldly possessions now belonged to the First Order. 

That night you never went back to sleep. Instead you lay awake staring at your ceiling, one part calming yourself and one part internally panicking like there was no tomorrow. These people could do anything they wanted to you now that you had signed your life over to them, and the thought sent your anxiety through the roof. You couldn’t stand the thought of working this hard to be able to live on your own only to have it all ripped away from you so brutally. There must have been something you could do to secure your safety. Surely with these new people new jobs would have been created on your planet, and they would provide you with what you needed to live. You shut your eyes, attempted to get just a few more hours of sleep, but the thought of being ripped from your home again reminded you that you didn’t have time to waste. You threw the blanket from your body and dressed in a modest sweater and jeans, not even bothering with your hair or teeth before heading out into the dead of night. You were determined to get yourself answers and you would be getting them tonight.

You had to stop and ask for directions multiple times. You lived thirty minutes outside of the city by cab, and over an hour long walk on foot. You thought that would be the best place to look when looking for the people who ran the Order. The city was the most populated part of your planet, and it’s where the majority of government officials were. You walked until the sun began to rise. Every so often a petrified citizen would walk past you keeping their head down. A father pulling three children covered in blankets and one suitcase in a wagon behind him while the mother followed behind them ushered past you, apologizing quietly for bumping you. You thought you were going in the right direction based on the scared people walking past you alone. But the confirmation that you had almost reached your destination was an elderly gentleman stopping you and begging you to turn back.

“It’s not safe,” He nearly shouted at you. You could tell he was trying to be quiet, but the urgency in his voice came off too loud. “The soldiers in white, they’re gathering people up and enslaving them. Get out while you can!” He finally let go of you, hobbling away as quick as his body and cane would allow. He had no suitcase with him, only the clothes on his back. You watched in awe as he disappeared into an alley, leaving only you and the rising sun on the pavement and buildings. You wondered if this was really a good decision to be making in the moment, or if you were willingly carrying yourself to death. You had made up your mind, though. There must be some way you could spare yourself. Surely these people wouldn’t be as tyrannical as they appeared to be.

You continued into the heart of the city where most people were running away from, and eventually you found that what you were looking for had come right to you. A blaster was pushed between your shoulder blades as you ducked into an alleyway to stop and catch your breath. “Halt, citizen!” A robotic voice rang out behind you, and you did as you were told. You stilled your body as much as you could, but the soldiers only pressed their gun into your back even further. “Where do you think you’re going, girl?” He asked you, and you almost didn’t know what to say. 

“I, I’m trying to find a job.” You stuttered, and it only earned you an amused giggle. 

“At the crack of dawn, while we’re rounding up any and all defectors?” He asked, but you still stared squarely ahead of yourself. “You sure about that?” 

“Y--yes sir.” You said, feigning confidence that you knew you didn’t have. You realized this was the one time you’d have to save yourself, and you had to make it as convincing as you possibly could. “I’d like to dedicate my life to the First Order. And, and I thought the best way to do that would be to find your leaders and speak to them directly.” Again, more giggles. They were better off just slapping you across the face in your opinion.

“The leaders? You want to talk to the Supreme Leader?” He asked you with just a hint of sarcasm.

“I suppose so.” You answered. You jumped as the man laid a heavy hand upon your shoulder, suddenly steering you around and out onto the main road.

“Well, you’re in luck,” He spoke as he once again dug his blaster further into your spine. “The Supreme Leader is on the planet for the next few days. I’m sure he’ll be thrilled to know that you, citizen, are just so eager to serve him.” You could tell he was being facetious. As you obediently walked in front of him you couldn’t tell if you had found exactly what you needed, or if you had just signed yourself up for a brutal death.

Your feet were exhausted after walking for another twenty minutes, and soon you were face to face with something that could only come from your nightmares. An entire section of the city had been destroyed, taken down by a series of ships that seemed to have flown in incredibly recklessly. Rubble stood among the blinking ships, and you didn’t have to look too hard to see the dead bodies of the men and women that failed to get out of the way of these people. It was like you were stepping into a mass grave of your own people. It took an incredible amount of bravery to step among these ships, but in the end you thought it was the best decision you could make for yourself. Air travel had been shut down the day of the attack, and even if ships were running you had no money to travel away from this nightmare. You had to fight or be put down. And you decided then and there that you would be brave or die trying.

He led you into one of the larger ships and the first thing you noticed was it was like an entirely different world. On the outside it looked so small, yet on the inside it was huge. There were so many people, all dressed in black, walking about as if your planet hadn’t been left in shambles because of them. They paid no attention to you, or the Storm Trooper that was currently threatening your life. They were stone cold, emotionless mobile statues. It was very fitting for the way they were currently treating your people as well. 

“Now let’s go see what the Supreme Leader thinks of your need to get a job, shall we?” He said to you as he started pushing you down the halls. You kept your head down, observing the all black walls and floors as quietly as you could. The only thing in your mind was that this was the closest you’d get to saving yourself. You had to look at it as a blessing.

The pathways blended together. The soldier continued to taunt you every step of the way until you reached your apparent destination. He stood you in front of two double doors, his hand now firmly holding onto the collar of your sweater. He hit a large black button that sat upon a keypad next to the rightmost door, then the two of you sat and waited as a dial tone rang throughout the empty hallways. 

“What is it?” A loud and clearly irritated voice rang through the intercom. The man jumped back, inadvertently dragging you with him. It was the first time you saw his mean and unsettling demeanor falter. 

“You have an important meeting, Supreme Leader.” The man said, finally letting go of your collar. “A citizen says she wants to dedicate her life to you. She’s right outside here.” A grumble came through the intercom, and before you could even think about what was going to happen you heard footsteps behind you. You turned and were appalled to see the soldier that had dragged you all the way over here running away. You gasped, turned to run away yourself but before you could even take two steps the blaster doors in front of you were opening, and the tallest, most intimidating man you had ever seen in your life was standing right in front of you. You stood toe to toe with someone you thought could snap you in half with his bare hands. In that moment, you thought your plan had gone completely sideways.

“Who are you?!” He said, sounding appalled that you, of all people, were standing here in front of him. A series of ‘ums’ and other confused noises fell from between your trembling lips. You just couldn’t think of anything to say to him. His eyebrows knit down toward his nose and he bared his teeth at you, breathing heavily through his nose. Clearly he was irritated with you, and for a split second you thought you could see the anger in his eyes. You thought you had a better chance of survival sprinting down the hall away from him, and that was your main goal. The second you saw his eyes close to blink you turned and began sprinting as fast as you could, determined to run all the way back to your home where you’d hide under your bed from these people until you could secure some other way off the planet. Your heart pounded in your chest as you resisted the urge to scream at the top of your lungs, but in the blink of an eye all of your muscles were frozen in place.

Both of your feet were secured to the ground while your arms sat stiffly at your sides. The only thing you had control over were your eyes, and even when you strained them as hard as you could to the sides so you could see the man walking around you, you could see nothing until he stepped squarely in front of you. His face had calmed, but his stiff and unwelcoming body language told you that you were still in danger.

“Just who do you think you are, walking up to my personal quarters and demanding to speak with the Supreme Leader of the First Order?” His voice was low and smooth, almost as if he were trying to cajole you instead of threaten you. None of what you were experiencing was comfortable, and no matter how quiet he was you still felt like your life was in danger. “Waking me up from my slumber, pulling me from my bed just to have a meeting with me? Who are you? You look like a peasant meant to work in the mines of this shithole planet. How did you even get onto this ship?” Your body finally fell free from its invisible clutches and once again you were in control, but it was clear by his stance that running away wasn’t an option. You turned your head to look behind you and was met with nothing but a wall and some other doors. You were trapped, had absolutely nowhere to go.

His bare hands met your jaw and he was forcing you to look at him, lifting your gaze to his. “I  _ expect  _ an answer from you, girl.” He spoke between his teeth. It was abundantly clear that your mission for freedom had failed, and in this moment you were hopeless. You felt like your neck would be snapped by this man’s own two hands, and you’d never live to see the light of day ever again. Instead of an answer, you gave him tears. Bitter, heartbroken tears that, no matter how hard you tried to fight them, they still poured down your cheeks. With your face still held tight between his fingers you broke down into sobs. You had no shame, and you’d sure you’d meet your end with these same tears staining your rosy red cheeks.

“I, I just want to be safe.” You blubbered, closing your eyes and bowing your head. His hand finally fell free and you felt as if you had some semblance of control back over your person. “I thought I could serve the First Order, the people who have taken the lives and property around me. The people that  _ own  _ me now. I thought I could bargain for my freedom, but I was captured and taken to  _ you  _ instead!” You wrapped your arms protectively around yourself and continued to cry. This was worthless. You were worthless. You were going to die here after not accomplishing anything during your short life. 

“You want to  _ what?”  _ He bellowed above your sorrow, causing you to flinch.

“I want to serve the First Order!” You shouted, and when you finally got the courage to look up you were met with the man simply staring at you. He looked perplexed, curious, as if you had finally captured his attention. 

“Serve the First Order, you say?” He asked, his voice swinging low and slow once again. You watched him closely as he twisted his body, beginning to step around you. He was silent, and you could feel his eyes glued to you as his loud footsteps echoed throughout the hall. “How do you expect to serve the First Order?” His footsteps stopped so suddenly behind you, and your fears skyrocketed knowing this conversation would be continued with you unable to see him. 

“I don’t know. I, I assumed lots of jobs would open with the arrival. I was just hoping to be employed anyway that I could.” You had finally got your emotions together, sniffed to try and quiet yourself while you could feel his eyes roaming all over your backside. You could feel the tension in the air, could only imagine what he was going to say to you next. You wondered if he were readying a knife, or a gun, or something that could easily take you out while you couldn’t see. You shivered, closed your eyes and could only hope that, whatever was going to happen to you, he’d make it quick and painless.

“I don’t know about any jobs open to any of your citizens,” He said, and you closed your eyes even harder. “But, what I  _ do  _ know is that you can show your loyalty to the First Order in other ways. If you’re willing.” You opened your eyes as the first hopeful sentence came from his mouth. Maybe there was hope for you after all.

“I’m willing to do anything if it means I’m going to keep my life.” You said, your voice trembling with every syllable. You’d clean the floors. You’d cook. You’d watch their children. You’d do anything for the First Order if it meant you’d never be dragged out of your home and forced to watch your neighbors die ever again. 

He let out a quiet, quite troubling moan that you just barely heard over the sounds of his footsteps walking back around you. He sounded interested in your willingness, and that’s when your suspicions began to rise. He had flipped the script so quickly, going from a man that you were sure was going to kill you to one that seemed to actually understand your fears. 

“What do you think about not only serving the First Order, but serving your Supreme Leader as well?” Your heart stopped cold in your chest at his offer, and your eyes widened against your will. What did that mean? Were you to be his slave for the rest of your life?

“No, you silly little vagrant,” He spoke almost immediately after ending his first sentence. It sounded as if he had heard what you said. Had you said it out loud and just didn’t realize it? He was the Supreme Leader after all, someone you thought ranked over anyone else in the First Order. He probably did not take kindly to being questioned. “I don’t want you as a slave. I want you to serve me.  _ Willingly.” _ You broke out in goosebumps as he whispered the word willingly in your ear. It was alluring, and that’s when you realized that this was a more personal request. “Come to my quarters. Spend time with me and get to know what I want, and expect from you. In return I will be sure that you are taken care of during your servitude.” 

A nervous lump grew in your belly. He was trying to seduce you and it wasn’t a great feeling. “And if I refuse?” You asked, wondering what your options are.

“Then I will call a trooper to have you escorted to the gates where you will be turned loose and will have to fend for yourself.” He said so matter of factly. It seemed so simple, yet you took it as a threat. You had worked hard to get yourself here and this seemed like the only realistic opportunity you were being given. He said he didn’t want you to be his slave, and you had assumed that meant you’d be allowed to leave any time you wanted to. Surely it couldn’t be as bad as you were making it out to be. 

Surely you could trust your new Supreme Leader.

“So what will it be?” He asked, now stepping out in front of you once again. He had crossed his arms behind his back and stared at you expectantly. You couldn’t believe the mood swings this man had gone through right in front of you. Anger. Curiosity. Need. It was nervewracking, but you truly felt like you had no other choice. The soldier said so themselves. They were rounding for the defectors and putting them to work as slaves. At least this man had assured you he didn’t want you as a slave. You essentially had nothing to lose in accepting his proposal to you. You made yourself to be as big and fearless as possible as you nodded your head. A large, uninhibited smile spread across his face at your willingness. “Excellent.” He purred, then swung a massive arm around your shoulder blades and led you to the door he emerged from. He seemed to squeeze you close to him for some odd reason as you entered his home. Your stomach churned as you wondered what serving him would include.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was going to wait to post this chapter tomorrow but I forgot I'm seeing The Rise of Skywalker tomorrow before work so I won't have time. Already done spoiled it for myself but oh well lol! Enjoy this smutty scene.

“Before I place this blindfold on you, I need to know for certain that you understand what I’m about to do to you.” The Supreme Leader said to you as the ran the silky black blindfold through his fingers. By this time he had already commanded you to undress, which was uncomfortable but you told yourself this had to be done. He too had stripped down to just his underwear, and in the back of your mind a small voice told you that you didn’t want the blindfold. He looked as if he were handcrafted by a god. His muscles made you melt. His physique was perfect. His body paired with the handsomeness of his face made him so alluring. The fact that you were naked spoke volumes about what he planned on doing to you. You were scared, but if you had to choose between him and anyone else to have to do this with, then you were happy to have him.

“This is going to happen with you blindfolded one hundred percent of the time. This isn’t going to be vanilla sex. It’s going to be more involved. I won’t hit you, I won’t hurt you, and I won’t do anything without your permission. If at any time you want me to stop, all you have to say is ‘safeword’ and I’ll stop whatever it is that I’m doing. You are free at any time to end this interaction and leave on your own volition. Don’t let me stop you from doing so. After this is finished, I can grant you the safety and freedom that you’re looking for. Am I understood?” He said as you just sat there cross-legged in his bed. He allowed you the decency of a blanket to cover your bottom half, but your tits sat out in the open for him to glance at every so often. After he was done speaking, however, his eyes bore into yours and yours only. Again, he was expecting an answer and you weren’t delivering. Truth be told, you were numb. This was all new to you and you didn’t know what to say other than a quiet ‘okay.’ You were overwhelmed and you thought your body was overreacting for you. It was just sex. One round of sex and you’d be safe. You desperately swallowed the lump in your throat as he began walking toward you, stretching the blindfold out before your very eyes.

“Let’s get started then.” He said, and your heart jumped straight into your throat. The last thing you saw was his face of total neutrality before the soft fabric touched your eyes. From there, all you saw was black. 

It was jarring at first. Not being able to see anything at all. Some black fabrics, when put in the right light, will still allow you to see the lightest outlines, but not this one. You could see nothing, could only hear the rustling of fabric and feel him sitting down on the bed in front of you.

“God, you’re so fucking sexy.” He said, whispering it as if the room was full of people and he only wanted you to hear. Suddenly you couldn’t get the thought of people being able to see you while you couldn’t see them out of your head. It made you anxious, and, although the fear was not possible, with no visual stimulation it felt real. Your jaw clenched as he placed his hands on your shoulders and began pushing you down onto his bed. “Relax.” He commanded you. “I promise I won’t hurt you.” In that moment, all you had to offer him was your trust. 

Your hands came to rest on your breasts as you felt the bed dip down beside you, indicating he was once again shifting himself around you. You heard a drawer open, heard him placing some solid sounding containers on the table immediately to your left. Again, you found yourself turning your head toward the stimuli, but you couldn’t see anything. Another sound stole your attention, the sound of a packet opening above your body. You could feel a small bit of liquid splash down on your bare midsection and heard the sound of rubber stretching and rolling. He was putting on a condom, and the smell of the rubber and lubrication only confirmed that detail for you. This moment was all too real, and you couldn’t stop your entire body from shaking as the seconds rolled by.

“I’m going to take this blanket off of you,” He said, sounding nervous himself. The fact that he was scared about what he was going to do to you made you that much more scared as well. True to his word, the blanket slowly began to slide off of you, freeing your body until the cold air tickled the tips of your toes. “Now, listen to me very closely. You’re going to open your mouth wide and I’m going to have you taste things. Are you alright with doing that?” Your voice escaped you as your thoughts ran wild with what he would be subjecting you to. The first thing that came to your mind was hot coffee, scalding hot coffee that would burn you.  _ He told you he wouldn’t hurt you.  _ You repeated in your mind over and over. You had to trust him. You had to believe him when he told you he would take care of you.

You did as you were told straining to open your mouth wide enough for anything to fit in. You had heard of this before. Blowjobs, as they were called. Although you didn’t take into account the fact that you were on your back and he was sitting up over you. The visual you got of him fucking your face was horrifying. 

But that thought quickly flew out the window, when a plastic tube came to rest on your teeth and something sweet and airy was filling your mouth. It made a squelching noise as the sticky substance fell onto your tongue, and you felt like all of your senses had been heightened at once. 

“What do you think this is?” He asked, removing the plastic from your mouth. You took this as permission to close your mouth, and when you did you found yourself gyrating your tongue and opening and closing your mouth over and over. With just taste and texture to go off of it was difficult to place, but feeling it melting within the heat of your mouth was telltale. It wasn’t thick like ice cream, but it wasn’t liquidy like water. There was only one thing it could be.

“Whipped cream.” You said proudly, smacking your lips a little bit more to ravish the tastes.

“Very good.” He said, a low rumble coming from his chest. You smiled as you heard him set down the canister next to your head. It did taste good, and it was so innocent. You were immediately put at ease and relaxed as he happily exclaimed that it was time for the next guess.

You listened intently as you heard a cap opening, but couldn’t open your mouth fast enough to accept the next object. Whether it was intentional or not, you didn’t know, but you felt something thick and running fall from the bottle and drizzle over your lips. You didn’t even need to taste it to know what it was. The texture along with the succulent smell of cocoa told you everything you needed to know. Regardless, you parted your lips and allowed the sauce to drip over your teeth and onto your taste buds along with the generous amount he squirted onto your tongue. You smiled as you took in the delicious taste and once again your senses piqued. This was far more erotic than you were expecting it to be and it took you by complete surprise.

“Chocolate!” You exclaimed happily, your body shook jovially. You heard the man chuckle above you. Clearly the two of you were enjoying this more than you both thought. 

“Excellent,” The sound of the cap closing sounded from right in front of your nose, offering one more waft of chocolatey goodness before the bottle was placed on the table next to you. “One more. Tell me what this one is.” You eagerly opened your mouth and awaited what he would grace you with next. You hear the sound of the cap opening, but could smell nothing as the bottle came to rest on your bottom lip. The substance that folded onto your tongue was thicker than the other two foods. You couldn’t place the taste right away, could only roll it around your tongue a few times. It was incredibly sticky. You could feel strands forming between your upper jaw and your tongue, but you were at a total loss. It tasted vaguely familiar, but you couldn’t come up with an answer.

“I don’t know.” You said, furrowing your brows as you swallowed what remained in your mouth.

“Need a hint?” He asked, placing his hand on the side of your head and leaning down close to you. You could feel his warm, shaky breath on the bare parts of your face, and it only added to the eroticism of the moment. You nodded your head, still unable to keep the smile from forming on your lips. “It’s made by a small black and yellow creature.” He said, and within seconds after ending the sentence you could feel his lips lightly on yours. They were coated with the same substance that he had placed on your tongue, and his hint sent a lightbulb going off in your mind. However, you couldn’t bring yourself to speak before darting your tongue out to lick some of it off of his lips. Your body begged for his as the situation turned more sexual than ever, and you had decided that this plan was going much more smoothly than you thought it would.

“Honey.” You said, proudly licking the last of the delicious matter from your upper lip. You felt like you shared something with the man that you had never shared with anyone before. You couldn’t call it a kiss, because you didn’t kiss him. It was something different. Something you didn’t have the words for. 

“Good girl,” He said, and you glowed with the praise. “But we aren’t done yet. I’m going to hide one of these foods on my body, and you’re going to find it. But you can only use your tongue.” The words went into your ears and immediately sent a bolt of arousal straight in between your legs. Never in your life had you ever heard of incorporating food into the bedroom, but right now it sounded exactly like what you needed. 

“That sounds like fun.” You said eagerly, sitting up and reaching out for him. He caught both of your wrists to stop you, however, and he pushed you back down onto the bed. 

“Not so fast, girl,” He said with a deep chuckle. “You haven’t told me which one you want to find.”

“The chocolate!” You said without any hesitation. You felt him reach around you to the table where he had placed the three bottles, and then you heard the bottle opening yet again.

“Open.” He commanded, and you did as you were told. “Are you sure this is the one you want?” He asked, and he was once again placing something in your mouth. It was firm, warm, and covered in chocolate. The minute movements told you that he had covered his fingers in chocolate and placed them in your mouth to suck on, just to be sure that this is what you wanted to lick from his body. You loved it, reached your hand up to grasp his wrist and sucked every inch of his pointer and middle fingers.

“Tastes good.” You said, and you were only slightly disappointed when he took his fingers away from you. 

“Are you ready to serve your Supreme Leader?” He asked you, and you could feel yourself melting more and more. This was not how you were expecting this night to go, but you found yourself eager to continue.

It took only a few minutes for him to situate the two of you the way he wanted, but when you were finally straddling him. “Bend slowly at your waist, and start licking.” He commanded, and you were quick to follow suit. You sat on top of his pelvis, couldn’t feel his cock at all even though it was all you wanted at the moment. He was in charge, and when he was ready he’d allow you to fuck him. And you’d say he was doing a good job if you said so yourself. Not that you knew about any of this, but the foreplay was working just the way you thought it was supposed to. You had grown wet and were sure you were making a mess upon his hips, but if he were bothered he never said anything. You enthusiastically dropped your mouth to his skin and wasted no time in laying your tongue flat against him. You were disappointed when you found no chocolate sauce, but came to terms quickly with the fact that you’d have to explore. 

You flexed your neck as you licked up his body, but all you could taste was the plain, human taste of his skin. You grimaced, it had to be here somewhere, and with your experience, you wondered if you’d have to go lower. You backed your way down his body until you felt his cock lightly graze your sex. You jumped, coming to the realization that you were swollen and sensitive just as he was. The rubber barrier was in the way, but it made no difference to you. You dropped your torso and placed your tongue upon his skin to find that you had nearly stuck your tongue inside of his belly button. You felt his belly jump as your tongue made contact with it, and you could only assume that he was laughing at you.

“You’re getting cold.” He warned, indicating that you were going the wrong way. You smiled, shuffled your way back up his body and did your best to duck your head down in a different area this time. You licked him up and down, but could still only taste him. “Warmer.” He hummed, and this time you leaned further up before licking him again. “Mmm. Cold.” He said with a moan. You grimaced. Using only your sense of touch and sound you guessed you were right at his breast. If going up meant you were colder, that must mean you had to go sideways.

You smiled as you knew where this was going. It was just a shame that you were so new at this. You flattened the tip of your tongue against his flesh and ran it to your left, over his pec until you could just barely smell the chocolate sauce. You turned your head to the left and your tastebuds sang as the chocolate came in contact with your tongue. You weren’t surprised to feel his budding nipple beneath your tongue either. You must have flicked it too hard, though, because the man let out a loud groan and placed his hand on the back of your head.

“There’s more.” He said pushing you back to his skin. Your chin squished into his breast, became slick with your saliva and even more chocolate. He sounded needy, like his powerful persona was crumbling each time you ran your tongue over his nipple. “Lick it. It’s running.” He had officially resorted to begging, and who were you to deny him? Without removing your tongue from his flesh you ran your head down his side and lapped at him until you could no longer taste the chocolate. 

As you were sitting up he let out another needy moan, and before you could place your head down to look for more he was reaching up and grasping you by the hips, flipping you over onto your back. Now he was the one straddling you and from his erratic movements, you could feel him reaching for one of the three containers next to the bed. 

“It’s my turn.” He said energetically, and before you could react you could feel a cold glob of whipped cream being dispensed onto your neck. You smiled, becoming more and more turned on as you realized it was your turn to be licked clean. He placed a line of whipped cream along your neck from one ear to the other, and when he was done he simply placed the can onto the bed and then tucked his face into your neck. 

The cold canister rolled into your warming skin, and you jumped at the contact. The Supreme Leader didn’t seem to care. Instead he took to licking all of the messy cream he had placed, and he did so in a way that you knew would leave your neck bruised.

The kisses were open-mouthed, and every few inches he’d latch onto you and suck until he felt satisfied, leaving your neck clean, wet, and red and purple. No one had ever kissed you like this, no one had ever made you feel this good. For the first time in your life, you let out a moan. A moan that wasn’t caused by your own fingers being between your legs. A moan that wasn’t caused by your wild imagination. A moan that came from your new Supreme Leader and his willingness to please you. It was unlike anything you had ever experienced in your life.

As your skin grew hot, the remaining whipped cream melted and began to drip down the other side of your neck. You could feel the liquid rolling in between your breasts toward him as well. This was also the time when you realized that there was also something sticky upon your own breast, and you could only assume that Ren still had chocolate sauce on his chest from earlier. Every time he lifted himself from your body not only did the whipped cream melt and move, but you essentially stuck to him with both the chocolate sauce and the whipped cream. It was strangely lewd, and only working to make you wetter and wetter. It would seem Ren was feeling the same way. At one point his cock rubbed up against your sex and he had to stop licking the runaway drips from your breastbone to groan louder than he had before and adjust himself between your legs. In response, you momentarily lost control of your sense.

“Please?” You squeaked, lifting your hips up to his pelvis where, again, the covered head of his cock brushed up against your clitoris. It was so perfect. You felt like you probably could have cum right then and there. He stilled above you for a moment, and you thought he was considering his options.

“You want me to fuck you?” He asked, and you nodded your head faster than he could even finish his sentence. “You needy little thing.” He chuckled. “Ready to serve me after only so much foreplay.” You felt your lower lip quivering as you felt your arousal fading. You were sure this is how you wanted this moment to end. Covered in syrup and whipped cream, you wanted to give yourself to the Supreme Leader. 

He surprised you by reaching a hand between your legs, carefully sliding his fingers along your inner labia and causing you to nearly lose control. Every inch of your sex was sensitive, and you were certain that, with a little more contact, you would find yourself orgasming all over him. Again, all you could say to him was ‘please.’

“But there’s so much I wanted to do to my new toy,” The Supreme Leader moaned. He leaned up and balanced himself on top of you, slowly bringing his now wet fingers to the corners of your lips. From what you could feel on the already sensitive skin of your cheek, you were astounded at how wet they were--at how wet  _ you  _ were. His fingers had no issues “I wanted to know what you taste like. If you taste as sweet as this whipped cream does.” You could almost see the smile beneath your eye mask. He sounded so sure of himself, yet you were confused. Hadn’t he tased you? He licked you all across your neck, and you were certain he was going to do it again until you had said something. You were at a complete loss. What did he mean by ‘taste you?’

“If you really want me to fuck you, I will. I was just hoping we could have some more fun beforehand.”He spoke, sounding genuinely concerned with your decisions. You could only go off of what your body wanted, not what he had planned for you because you didn’t know what he wanted. You had made up your mind in an instant. You wanted to give him everything that you could.

“Yeah.” You moaned, spreading your legs and positioning yourself in a vain attempt to bring yourself to his cock.

“Say it.” He said, seizing your cheeks in his sticky hands. Once again you could feel his hot breath on your face, and you felt your pulse quicken within your own body. Your voice was still so far gone, held hostage by the man who was about to make you his. But this is what you needed to do to get what you want, and you forced yourself to speak up.

“Please fuck me.” You whispered to him, and in the blink of an eye everything changed. 

One of your legs came up to rest on his shoulder while the other was pressed open with the palm of his hand. He made small circles with his thumb on your thigh as you displayed yourself to him. He stared down at you with a wild, uninhibited look in his eye. This was it. Your entire life would change after this very moment. 

“You asked for it. I’ll make sure you remember who I am.” He said, finally letting go of your knee and grasping his cock. The biggest smile formed over your face as you felt him lean up, position his cock at your wet entrance and, without any indecision, pushed himself into you. Within a matter of seconds you were full of him--all of him--and it was one of the best feelings you had ever felt. You felt like you couldn’t widen your legs enough for him, and as he pushed himself even further than you thought he could go you could feel he was reaching your limits. Your body shifted upward and you found yourself placing your hands on his chest and pushing on him.

“No, no, no more.” You said as coherently as you could. “It hurts, stop!” In response to the uncomfortable feeling of him pressing into what you thought was your cervix, you shut your legs and attempted to push him out of you. 

“Relax.” He hummed, pulling himself out just as you commanded him to. “I’m sorry. I was too fast.” He said, leaning up and placing his hand on the side of your face. “You were too wet. Are you okay?” The concern he showed for you and your wellbeing was admirable, but you still couldn’t feel anything other than searing pain he had put you through. Your legs shook as you nodded your head, begging your body to calm as you were still excited to try with him.

“Yeah, please just go slower.” You thought you could take it if he just took his time. You weren’t really used to anything like this, after all.”

“Of course. I’m sorry.” He apologized again, and his hand lifted from your face. It really did feel good to you when you were full, but you thought he might have gone just a little too far for your liking. You willed your wild heart to calm as you once again widened your legs, accepting the head of his cock at your flesh one more time. “Remember, say ‘safeword if you need me to stop.” Again, you found yourself nodding as you felt him pushing into you. You had forgotten. Oh well. You were happy that he was so understanding, but you promised yourself that you’d do better.

You found the act to be much more enjoyable as he took his time with you, inching in much more slowly this time and stopping much earlier. The guttural moan he let out above you was telltale that he was enjoying it too, and soon you found yourself relaxing that much more. The closeness, the stickiness, the messiness, and the fullness in your body all hit you at once, and you felt the first waves of pleasure began rolling throughout your lower half. You could tell your orgasm was mounting, and when it finally hit you it would hit you unlike any other you had ever had. 

With another hot puff of air to your face, he began sliding himself out of you. The sensation was just as wonderful as him going in, and you smiled as your body began to praise him on its own accord. A moan tumbled from between your lips, and he took his opportunity as soon as it presented itself. 

“You like that?” He asked, pushing himself in. “You feel, you feel so good. So, so  _ tight. _ ” He groaned, and you felt he really couldn’t help himself. He needed the stimulation just as much as you did, and almost as soon as he reached the limits you had set he was pulling back out. “You’re perfect.” He wailed, finally picking up a steady rhythm and beginning to rock his body back and forth on yours. You could hear his bed rattling and rolling, could feel your own body being racked underneath his. Without sight, you had to rely on your other senses in order to enjoy the sex. As he picked up speed the sound of his headboard hitting the wall made you tremble. The smell of sex and the sweetness of the chocolate and whipped cream made you throw your head back and your mouth to fall open in a near scream. And finally, being this close to another human, feeling his sweaty chest upon yours, feeling his massive body over yours, and feeling his cock so effortlessly drag upon your already oversensitive walls did it for you. Flashbacks from minutes before when he was licking you up and down hit you all at once, and before you knew it you were orgasming against your own will.

“Oh,  _ god.”  _ You said as the feeling washed over your body. You shook, you screamed, you tensed every muscle in your body as the pleasure completely took over. It almost felt like it was unreal, like it was an act your own body was putting on. You had never, ever orgasmed that hard before, and there was only one person to thank for it. 

“Yes!” He cried, pushing farther and farther into you. You were writhing, whining, and wailing through your aftershocks as he refused to stop, wildly chasing his own orgasm as you were finishing yours. You were far too overstimulated to care. In fact, you weren’t in any pain at all. It was like your body knew what you needed though your mind was so far gone, but you soon found that everything came to a screeching halt. 

Ren sat above you inhaling and exhaling as if he were about to collapse, moaning every now and again. You didn’t know what was going on, and you couldn’t hold back a disappointed gurgle at the lack of movement going on above you. As if the world were working against you, you felt him pull completely out of you and abandon your body. You sat up after him, reaching you for him and managing to find his neck to hug and to hold, pressing your sticky body against his and refusing to let go. He followed suit, wrapping his arms around you and holding you like you would disappear. You had no plans to do that, however, because you felt like he had taken you somewhere you could have never gone to yourself. The two of you sat sweaty and completely defeated, yet were unwilling to let go of each other.

“You’re perfect.” He whispered to you again, and you smiled against his neck. 

“Thank you.” You whispered back. You were thankful for him being so genuine and considerate about you during this, and you couldn’t have thought of a better way to starting this new life he had promised you. 

“You’ll stay?” He asked, a small whine in his voice made you think he was begging you. There was no need for that, because you only allowed him to do this to you because you wanted to be safe. The pleasure and new friendship was just a plus. You nodded your head, placing a kiss on his neck and he let out a quiet moan in response. “Please don’t leave me.” He continued to plead with you, holding you tighter to him. It should have been a red flag, but at the time your post-sex bliss wouldn’t allow you to see such things. The only thing you could see was a man that was kind enough to take care of you, and a man that had just rocked your world more than you could have ever imagined. 


	3. Chapter 3

The Supreme Leader gently placed his hands upon your eye mask and slid it from your eyes. What met you on the other side was something you hadn’t expected to ever see. A sympathetic man with a glimmer of hope in his eyes stared back at you, a man who clearly had something to say to you, but could say nothing. Instead he looked deeply into your eyes. Had you not known any better you would have thought he was in love with you. But you weren’t clueless. You weren’t living in a fairytale where love at first sight existed for everyone. You didn’t even know this man’s name, only his title. He ruled over the entire First Order and made time to help you survive. He was a wonderful man, but he wasn’t in love with you. You didn’t even know what a future with him would be like, and you didn’t know what his plans for you were. For all you knew he would skimp out on his promise and dump you for dead. You were thankful for the last 40 minutes or so, and you tried not to get your hopes up in case you were let down in the near future. 

“Look at us.” He said, allowing his eyes to travel down your body. It dawned on you that this would be the first time you would be able to see the aftermath of your sexual escapade, and you couldn’t stop your eyes from falling as well. Your jaw fell open as your eyes lay upon the smeared chocolate and whipped cream upon his chest and abdomen, and you were shocked to see that you were just as messy. Now that your orgasm had faded you could see that this was a problem, and it became far less erotic to you. 

“Gross.” You said, running your finger through the small sheen of chocolate that sat on your breast. He giggled, drawing your attention back to his needy look above you.

“Let’s go shower.” He said, taking your hand and pulling you from the warm bed. “I can get someone to give us clean sheets while we’re gone.” You looked back at the bed and saw it was stained with the various fluids and foods you had experimented with. Part of you was embarrassed. This wasn’t your bed and you had basically ruined it. Changing it out while you got cleaned sounded like a good plan.

You watched from the toilet as he pulled the condom, partly sagging and bulging with his fluids, off of his cock, discarding it in the nearby trash can. As the water warmed he picked up his tablet and began tapping and typing away, and you could only assume he was ordering clean sheets. He seemed deep in concentration, ignoring your nakedness as you did his. But, you couldn’t stop yourself from admiring his body even more. 

He was so busy calling you perfect when you were here thinking he was the one that was perfect. His body, though covered in chocolate, shined in the bathroom spotlights and you took the time to appreciate his form again. You couldn’t imagine what he looked like on top of you, couldn’t imagine what his body would have looked like on top of yours. You wish you could have seen what he looked like erect. Even flaccid you had to wonder if he was larger than usual. You shuddered. You wanted him again.

He moved to place the tablet down on the sink and you abruptly turned your head away, unwilling to allow him to see you admiring him. He didn’t love you, he probably even didn’t care that much about you. You couldn’t allow yourself to become too attached. He crossed his larger than life bathroom and opened the shower door, stepping aside and motioning for you to stand and enter the shower before he did. The lid was cold on your bare skin, so as soon as you got the go ahead you lifted yourself and nearly sprinted to the shower. You made a beeline to the warm water, and as soon as it scalded your skin you felt every single muscle in your body relax. You were surrounded by steam and the hot water began running down your body, clearing the sticky mess that had caused your discomfort. You didn’t even notice the Supreme Leader step into the shower behind you until he tapped your shoulder to hand you a bar of soap and a loofa. You thanked him, then got to work on cleaning yourself.

“I had a lot of fun.” He said after a few minutes went by of the two of you cleaning yourselves. 

“I did too.” You confessed to him, running a washcloth over your neck and arms. You couldn’t shake the feeling of his lips on your neck, of his cock deep inside of you. You almost wanted to jump on him and kiss him right there in the shower, but you could only assume that would be even more dangerous than the chocolate sauce. Instead you smiled at him as you reached behind you for the shampoo he had allowed you to use.

“I’ve never done anything like that before. You were my test subject.” He grinned, and you playfully shook your head. 

“Me either.” You admitted. 

“That was the first time you had incorporated food in bed too?” He asked, sounding astounded at you.

“Yeah,” You admitted, but that wasn’t all you had tried for the first time either. “Well, that and everything else.” You smiled, tipping your head back under the water. 

“What?” He asked, you could have sworn you heard a gasp from under the water. “You’re a virgin?” He asked, and when you lifted your head from the water you saw that he had stopped lathering himself in favor of looking at you shocked as if you had told him you wanted to marry him. “I mean,  _ were _ a virgin?” He corrected himself, and you laughed at his silliness.

“Yep. I had never had sex until today.” You said proudly, but he couldn’t take his eyes off of you. You’d pay to know what he was thinking. You knew some guys lived for that kind of thing, but you didn’t want to think of your lack of sex as something that could be taken from you. Sex was just sex and, in this case, it would have saved your life. It wasn’t as if you were saving yourself for anyone. You didn’t share these kinds of romantic feelings for anyone you knew personally, so what difference did it make if your first time was with him? At least you didn’t feel like he was using you for sex. That was perhaps your greatest fear.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” He exclaimed, finally going back to scrubbing his body clean. “Things would have been much different if I would have known. I wouldn’t have been so rough, or fast. I thought you were used to it. I’m so sorry.”

“It’s alright, Supreme Leader,” You assured him. It really wasn’t that bad, and when it did hurt he didn’t mind slowing down for you. You had heard it could be a bloody and painful nightmare for some girls, but for you it was just fine. You figured it had to do with the foreplay and how turned on you were. The act had still left your thighs sore and with a strange limp in your walk, but you still thought your sexual debut was perfect. “You didn’t hurt me, and I feel like you respected my boundaries.” The man nodded his head, placed his hand on your shoulder in order to move you out of the way. He wanted to rinse his body and you realized you had been hogging the hot water. 

“Well, I’m glad I could set the bar so high for your first time.” He said, turning his back to you in order to wash himself. You smiled at the back of his head, watched as his black hair dampened under the water. He did make it extremely magical, and you did think you’d have a hard time finding anyone else like him ever again. “And please,” He said, turning around and starting to dispense some of his shampoo into his hands. “Call me Kylo.”  _ Kylo.  _ Supreme Leader Kylo. You could get used to saying that name.

After your shower Kylo had given you a pair of his boxers and a long shirt for you to wear, promising that he’d send his laundry out and have your clothes cleaned with his. “About our agreement,” He stated as you sat on the bed, waiting for him to dress fully. He had told you that he had some loose ends to tie up before he could finalize the terms he had set for you, and you thought that it was a step in the right direction. You were happy he was acknowledging what he had told you before, and you felt hopeful about everything that was going on. “Are you still interested in upholding your end of our deal?” He asked as he zipped up the front of his vest.

“My end, as in making myself available to you?” You asked, still not very clear what he expected of you. He nodded his head, but still held a neutral look about his face.

“I really did enjoy what we shared this morning. I just want you to be there for me when I need you. I don’t want you to be my servant, and I don’t expect you to drop what you’re doing to come and meet me when I need you, but I want something similar to what we did this morning in exchange for keeping you safe and making a space for you within the Order.” You laughed at him. That was a lot of words for  _ I want to have sex with you.  _

“If you’re trying to say you want to keep fucking me, then yes, I’ll agree.” He cleared his throat, and you could have sworn you saw red beginning to rise in his cheeks.

“Then it’s settled,” He said, clasping his large belt around his waist. “I’ll find a place for you to live within the Order, and you will answer my calls. I don’t expect you to always offer yourself to me, I know that you won’t always be up to it. Just remember that this deal depends on you as well.” Your body began to glow as you realized the plan had worked. You wouldn’t be enslaved by these people, you weren’t giving up your property unwillingly. You wouldn’t lose your life, you’d be allowed to live out the rest of your days being protected by the person with the most power in the entire First Order. And the best part? You’d get really good sex out of the deal as well. 

“It sounds like a plan.” You assured him, and he nodded your head. Once again he seemed emotionless, like he didn’t care about you since he had returned to normal. That was okay. You weren’t hurt because he had just promised you he’d make room for you.

“Then we leave for the Supremacy at dawn then. I’ll expect you to receive a medical exam once we arrive, and that includes the mandatory First Order birth control implant.”  _ Birth control.  _ You were happy he reminded you. If this agreement was to include sex, you wanted assure him you were on birth control. 

“Oh, I’ve just gotten the shot.” You notified him, to which his eyebrows shot up. “I got it for free every six months. It’s still good for another 5 and a half.” It was the first thing you did when you moved out of your parents house. The healthcare on your planet was exceptional, and they were very much all for birth control for any reason. You figured it was better to be safe than to be sorry so you elected to travel into the city every six months for a check up and for your shot. You were happy you had finally gotten a chance to put it to good use.

“Very good we can revisit the idea then.” He hummed. “I’ll be going, making plans for you to have a home on my ship. Make yourself comfortable while I’m gone. Help yourself to any food you find in the fridge and I’ll bring you dinner tonight.” You admired his efforts, and he seemed genuine enough. He had followed through with every promise he had bestowed upon you so far, and you surely did look forward to seeing him again. He bid you farewell, telling you he’d see you tonight before disappearing into the hallway from where you came. You were alone yet again, yet your heart was so full. You had someone looking out for you now, and that was more you could ask for during these trying times.

Of course Kylo returned to you, and when he did he returned with a plate full of freshly baked catfish with all of your favorite garnishes and sides. The two of you shared the one plate, and you had to admit that you had never tasted anything as good as it. He smiled at you before proudly telling you to get used to it, that he would feed you anything you wanted when he made you a home on his ship. You grew giddy with excitement. You absolutely could not wait until he would be able to spoil you like this.

You shared that night with him in his bed, bringing the small cup of ice cream that he ordered with you. What started as him feeding you spoonful by spoonful like a princess ended with the two of you once again having to shower, as you had even more fun with the sweet treat that you would like to admit. Your entire back had been drizzled with the strawberry ice cream, and Kylo had licked almost all of it off before he had you from behind. You couldn’t believe what a world of difference the different position made for you. Down on your hands and knees, back arched so that the pale pink droplets of icecream would roll down your back, all while Kylo laid into you from behind. He told you he had wanted to taste you again, but after feeling his tongue run all along your back and neck you decided to put it off yet again in order to have sex. In the end, neither of you were disappointed. You came first. He came shortly after you. The two of you showered and then you fell asleep there next to each other. 

You wished you never had to leave him but his speech made you think that he would be finding you your own place to life. You wondered if you were his secret. If he were hiding you from someone. A wife, perhaps? A girlfriend that wasn’t willing to experiment in bed with him? You were just some sort of experiment he was planning on hoarding? A woman to run to when he wanted something new and different? After all, he did tell you that this was just a temporary home. You wondered if he had an entire family on his ship that he’d hide you from. Your excitement went from an all time high to an all time low. You didn’t want to be his mistress, and you hadn’t thought about this at all until this very second. Lying next to the sleeping man you wondered, if this were the case, if this deal would be worth it. You had your doubts, but you were also exhausted. Waking up so early and making the hike to the city had already taken up so much of your energy, not to mention being fucked so good you could barely walk twice in one day. You decided to shut your eyes. The best way to approach this agreement was to take it one step at a time. You’d worry about becoming a mistress when the time came. For now, you just needed to sleep.

The next day you were escorted to your old home to collect some belonging, only what you could carry in a backpack onto Ren’s small transport ship. You had dropped out of college months ago, and had very little money so your possessions weren’t very plentiful. You packed a few books, a few articles of clothing, and a few trinkets you had brought from your parents home with you. The rest you turned your back on and decided you’d never need to look back. You assured yourself that Kylo would take care of you, no matter what the situation was. He was trustworthy. You’d have a great life with him and you’d never need this stuff ever again. You tucked your head into your chest as you boarded the transport vessel. Your home of less than a year was difficult to say goodbye to.

The ride to Kylo’s ship (if you could even call it that) was short. He jumped almost immediately into hyperspeed and left you with your head spinning in all directions. Your vision was a blur of neon blue and white streaks, and before you knew it he was accelerating at normal speed toward a vessel that was larger than life. “That's your ship?” You asked, leaning forward as much as your chest restraint would allow. The thing was massive. You craned your neck to see the thing from end to end, but couldn’t even see the entire thing then. The smaller ships flying in and out of it looked like the smallest grains of sand you had ever seen, and if you had to guess it probably could hold millions of people.

“ A little over two million.” Kylo said, bringing you from your awe.

“What?” You asked him, thoroughly confused. 

“You said you thought it could hold millions of people. I’m telling you it can hold two million.” You stared at the back of his head as he maneuvered the ship closer and closer to your destination, and when he finally entered it you were surrounded by black once again. You didn’t understand what was happening. You could have sworn you only guessed in your head, but who knew. For now, your attention was on the hangar that Kylo had flown into and docked his ship in. It looked almost identical to the one that was stationed on your planet; the people running about were dressed the same, the walls were the same, the lights, the floor, even the smaller ships were exactly the same. The First Order obviously valued unity. You found it strange, but who were you to complain? This was to be your new home. You would just have to come to accept it.

“I know you’re confused,” Kylo said as he opened the hatch of his transport and reached for your hand. “I’ll explain it all to you one day. For now, let’s get you settled. Then we can talk” You took his hand and, as gracefully as you could, stepped down the hatch and onto the floor. His offering seemed genuine enough, and you felt it was fair that you were settled into your new home before the heavy and most likely confusing explanations were given. You were content with just following him until you got to wherever he was taking you.

While the hangar was on the busy side, you noticed that the hallways he took you down were nearly empty. Every so often the two of you would pass someone, and they’d stop and praise him somehow. “Hail the Supreme Leader.” They’d say. Some would salute. Some would smile, some would say nothing. Each and every action earned the same response from Kylo: nothing. You thought it was amazing that he had so much power, that he had so many people willing to drop what they were doing and acknowledge him. It was such a massive leap from the submissive life you had been living, and you had to wonder if you would gain a leg up in power as well being with him. You tried not to smile, instead you stared down at his boots. This was so exciting.

It was another long walk until you made it to another set of double doors that whizzed open. This time, however, the space behind them was massive and much more impressive. 

It was like a miniature palace. The floors were carpeted in black while the walls were covered in grey. Large chandeliers hung from the ceiling and each entryway to another part of his home was opened with archways. Your jaw fell slack as you took in the expensive looking plants and decorations. This was far more than what you expected.

“I couldn’t secure you a place of your own,” Kylo started, stepping up behind you and placing a hand on the small of your back. “So you’ll have to make do with living with me for now. Is that okay?” He asked. You thought his phrasing was silly. How could you possibly “make do” with living here? Of course you wanted to live here! With him no doubt, that made it even better. You smiled as you nodded, your words escaping you as they sometimes did when you were with him. The part that excited you the most was that this meant he likely didn’t have a family he was hiding you from. He was all yours. You were all his. You could finally relax.

Kylo gave you the grand tour of his home. His bedroom. Your bedroom. The kitchen, workout room, bathrooms, recreational rooms, and everything in between. When he showed you your room, which was the size of your entire apartment on the planet he had captured, you bit back the urge to laugh. It was nice, but would he really be making you stay in here? The bed was massive, not as massive as his, but much bigger than what you were used to. The closet was huge as well, and so was the attached bathroom and sitting room. It was like you had your own apartment in his home, but he told you that you weren’t restricted to just this room. You could roam if you wanted to, but he made it clear that he preferred it if you stayed in his home for the first few weeks. He’d show you around, he promised you.

Everything about his home screamed royalty and power. It was intimidating, but you could tell he was making an effort to make you feel comfortable. He offered you food, your choice of what to watch on his 80 inch television, your pick of any of the clothes in his closet, and even a way to communicate with him while he was gone via a small tablet he had mounted in his bedroom. He told you it was strictly only to message him. You were prohibited from calling or messaging anyone else, only him. His reasoning was people who come onto the Supremacy were meant to be heavily documented and put through rigorous tests to be sure they were allowed onto the ship. He didn’t want to subject you to this and then risk having you fail and be ejected when he had promised you you’d be safe. That was fine with you. You wouldn’t even so much as look at the tablet if it meant you’d be safe. Kylo was content with your commitment to him, and told you he’d be back this evening where he would order you your favorite dinner and he’d give you a more  _ personable  _ welcome to his home. You told him that sounded wonderful then bid him farewell, already counting down the hours till you’d see him again.

Your question about if he were going to make you sleep in your own room was answered that night, as he took you to bed that night and refused to let you leave. This was now your third time sleeping with him, and you were hardly surprised when, once everything was said and done, he held on tight to you and begged you not to leave him. You were starting to wonder if he had some abandonment issues, or an extreme fear to be begging someone he had only known for two days to stay with him. Everything about his tendencies did seem to be excessive: meeting a girl, fucking her, then immediately moving her in with him. Sitting there next to him in his massive bed you began to worry yet again. Maybe this wouldn’t be as much fun as you thought it would be. 

But you wouldn’t know until you had lived it for a while.

In the following days, Kylo had his personal doctor come and give you a head to toe exam. You hadn’t had a real doctor visit since you were 12 years old and still in your parent's custody, and while it wasn’t necessarily an enjoyable experience, it felt good to know that you were, indeed, healthy. The rapid bloodwork test came back stating that your birth control was, indeed, doing its job in your bloodstream, and the doctor estimated that you did have another five months before you’d need to switch to the Order’s birth control methods. Kylo was happy to read that in your health report, and responded just as you expected he would. He finally took the condoms out of the equation and had you raw. It made a world of difference, fucking without a condom. You felt closer to him, more open and more trusting. To have him finish inside of you, actually inside of you, was even better. You could tell almost instantly when he came. Your insides became hot and even fuller than before. It was magical, and you felt like it was a massive leap in this strange relationship you had found with him. However, you wouldn’t have it any other way.

The days bled into weeks, and you found that the agreement he had set for you was easier to follow than you thought. The first thing on Kylo’s agenda was to make sure you were well taken care of every day. He made sure the fridge was stocked with snacks for you to eat between meal times. He made sure you had your favorite soaps, shampoos, and conditioners to keep yourself clean with. He made sure you had things to do every day; books to read, games to play, movies to watch. It only took two months to realize that you had quickly become his number one priority, and you could say he had become yours as well.

Whenever he had a bad day and would refuse to speak to you, you found yourself being more visible than you had made yourself before. You would hug him, kiss him, remind him that you were so thankful for everything he had done for you. A few hours of this would widdle him down and eventually break him free of his bad moods, and he’d confide in you about what was bothering. It was a huge leap from the first week you had lived with him, and you couldn’t believe he had made so much progress with you in such a short amount of time.

When he was sick or in pain, you took care of him. Colds plagued him every so often, and you were always happy to order him a pot of chicken soup that you could warm up for him during the week. You would start his showers as hot as they could go and change out the bed sheets for him while he was gone, and he always remembered to thank you for your efforts. Sore muscles from intense training were a common occurrence as well, and you found massaging him anywhere he told you enjoyable. When you were finished you were ready with a heating pad and pain medication, and he always accepted your help with a smile.

When he needed help with anything, you’d try your best to help him in any way that you could. Even if it meant washing his laundry in between laundry dates when his clothes were sent to the cleaners, helping him get dust and dirt out of the hilt of his lightsaber, or even organizing his paperwork. He didn’t require any of this of you for your agreement, but you thought it was the least you could do. The two of you could only fuck ever so often, and you really were fond of him. You wanted to take care of him as he took care of you, and this was the best you could do. He never once badgered you, yelled at you, bickered with you about anything. It was like you had found the perfect partner. If only he would push this relationship the two of you had to the next level. Then maybe you could call him much more than just Kylo.

One morning you woke up with the sniffles. Kylo had a cold three months earlier, so you found it strange that you’d wake up with a sore throat and runny nose, but it was happening. This was the first time you had gotten sick in the entire ten months you had been living with Kylo, and you had to remind yourself that, even though you didn’t leave his house at all, germs probably found their way through every crack and crevice of his home. Kylo just got lucky this time, and you were unlucky. 

Kylo took notice right away at dinner, handing you a tissue and laughing at you. “It’s only taken you nearly a year to get sick.” He joked, and you could only smile at him. You didn’t remember being this tired the last time you got a cold, but for some reason you could barely hold your eyes open at the dinner table. Kylo wanted to take you to bed right after dinner, but over the course of the day your cold symptoms intensified to body aches and chills. You weren’t feeling it. You weren’t up to anything at all.

You offered to sleep in your own room since Kylo was in ship shape, but he insisted on having you strip down so he could give you a back rub this time. “I’m sorry you don’t feel well.” He said, kissing you square between your shoulder blades. You could only close your eyes, feeling useless as he kneaded his way down your spine. You were so useless, and you didn’t understand why Kylo was keeping you around. There was so much you wanted to do for him today, including allowing him to fuck you. But you got none of it done because you were stuck on the couch napping during most of the day. A tear slipped down your cheek and bled into the pillow, and you found yourself trying to rut your face against it to hide your sudden onset of melancholy. Of course, Kylo noticed. He noticed everything about you.

“You aren’t useless.” He said, running his hands down your thighs. He had looked into your mind using the Force, a superpower of sorts he had told you about months ago. You didn’t really mind it, but tonight it floored you. Here you were suffering with what very well could have been the flu, bringing yourself down and he was invading your privacy. Your eyebrows knit down and you lifted your head, scowling dangerously at him before making your first demand of him in the last ten months:

“Can you not read my mind right now?” You said, and you watched his face twist into confusion. 

“My dear, what’s the matter?” He asked, completely taken aback.

“Nothing! I don’t feel good and I want my privacy!” You said, but he only stared back at you like an idiot. You rolled your eyes before shimmying your way out from under him and out of his bed. You were so blown, so emotional, that you felt you couldn’t be anywhere near him. For the first time, you stormed to your own room and slammed the door behind him, trapping yourself in your room and throwing yourself into your unused bed. You took to sobbing angry, sullen tears there alone. How many times had he looked into your mind when you weren’t paying attention? How many of your deepest, darkest thoughts had he uncovered without your permission? These emotions were brutal. They tore you apart and broke you down into something you had never seen before. You couldn’t believe you were even thinking this, but you wanted to go back home.

The next day was a completely different story. You recognized that your little outburst was out of hand, and poor Kylo didn’t deserve it. Kylo put you before anyone else. He worked hard to keep a roof over your heads and food in your bellies. He dedicated himself to you, he rescued you. He  _ saved  _ you from a life of enslavement. He didn’t deserve your sass, and the second you heard him open his bedroom door the next morning you were jumping out of your bed, into the hall, and into his arms. You begged for his forgiveness, you told him about how wrong you were and about how it would never happen again. He held you. He kissed you. He assured you it was okay and that you didn’t need to apologize. He recognized that every once and a while you’d need to be alone, and that’s why he established a room for you. You cried. You held him close. 

You wanted to tell him that you loved him.

As the days went by you were certain you were getting worse and worse. You had spent your days laying down on the couch and your nights laying next to Kylo, only to repeat the cycle the next day. A thermometer indicated you had no fever, yet you were nauseous during almost all of your waking hours. The vomiting didn’t start until a week into this bizarre flu/cold hybrid, and it was brought on by the smell of your favorite food. Kylo knew you wouldn’t be up to sex that night, but he couldn’t stop himself from drizzling some chocolate sauce on your exposed hip. You smelled it as soon as the cap opened, and you thought he was just checking to see if it were still good.

But no. You turned over to see a minute amount dripping down your hip, only to be swiped up by his fingers and lifted to his mouth. “I hope you feel better soon, love.” He whispered, trying to be passionate. It was anything but. The smell immediately made what little you ate for dinner toss around in your stomach, and before you could even sit yourself up and rush to the toilet you were vomiting all over your side of the bed and his carpet. 

Kylo gasped, jumped up from the bed and just stared as you emptied the undigested contents of your stomach onto the floor in front of you, and even when you had nothing left to unload you sat there heaving like a cat spitting up a hairball. When everything was said and done, when you felt like you could vomit no more, when everything was still and quiet, you burst into tears yet again. “I’m, I’m--!” You struggled to apologize, but Kylo still had the chocolate sauce in his hand as he rushed to your side. The smell intensified, mixed with the acrid smell of your vomit and the salty smell of your tears, and soon you found yourself launching from the bed and into the nearby bathroom where you dropped to your knees and began profusely vomiting even more into the toilet. You were shaking, a complete mess and you weren’t in control of your own body. This was torture, and all you could do was just sit there with your head in the toilet and pray that you’d stop throwing up.

Kylo worried endlessly about you. He even stayed home from work the next two days to take care of you. The nausea was unreal, and you begged Kylo to allow you to see another doctor. This was far worse than the flu. You were afraid you were going to die.

But Kylo said no.

He refused to take you to the doctor.

“What do you mean no?!” You cried, sitting straight up even though your head was spinning. He could offer you no real answer, could only stare straight at the wall as he once again told you he wasn’t going to take you to a doctor. “What is wrong with you?!” You shouted at the top of your lungs. “I’m sitting here suffering, and you won’t allow me to see a doctor?!” You couldn’t believe him. You couldn’t believe this. You were enraged as he just sat there and calmly stared at you as you were melting down. This was the angriest you had ever been in your life, and you felt the only reasonable action to meet his was to pick up your pillow and throw it at him with all of your might. He dodged it and, for the first time, you had seen Kylo angry.

He angrily stepped toward you, pointing his finger in your face and snarling so loud that you flinched. “You, do  _ not  _ get to do that to me!” He said, willing the pillow over to him and slamming it down next to your head. You shut your eyes, fear suddenly overtaking you. You had never seen him as red faced and wild like this. “After all I’ve done and continue to do for you?! I’ve been putting off my presence at work to take care of you! And this is how you repay me?” He roared. 

A sudden burst of bravery came over you, and you found yourself sitting up and getting as close to him as you could. He backed out of your way as you got close to him, and you couldn’t stop yourself from raising your voice as well. “I wouldn’t be doing this shit if you’d be a decent human being and let me see a fucking doctor!” 

“You don’t know what you’re talking about!” He shouted back at you, taking you by the jaw and pushing you back onto the bed. You grasped his wrist and tried to fight against him, all while he had begun to say something and then so suddenly stopped. You opened your eyes only to find his face fading back into his normal skin tone. His face was falling from that of anger, to that of worry. It looked like something was plaguing him, like someone had stabbed him right in the gut with his own lightsaber. It was quiet, but right when you were about to begin to argue with him again his hand slipped from your jaw to your heart.

“Your heartbeat,” He spoke, shaking his head ever so lightly. “You’re not afraid, but I feel fear coming from you.” 

“What does that have to do with me seeing a doctor?” You demanded of him, but he only continued to ignore you. “Kylo! Hello?” You called out to him, but instead of responding he slipped his hand from your chest. He was slow, thoughtful in his actions as his hand slid in between your breasts, over your abdomen and came to rest on your womb. His eyes were glued to your midsection the entire time, and you realized far too late what was going on.

“My god.” He said, his face turned completely white. You felt his fingers curl around your midsection as well as they could, and the realization seemed to hit both of you at the same time. “I think you’re pregnant.” He spoke. His words were empty, yet fearful. Strong, yet powerless. You didn’t believe him, at least not until you remembered that you were supposed to receive the birth control implant months ago and never did. He lifted his trembling hand from your belly and stepped away from you, not even having the decency to look you in the eye. You opened your mouth to say something to him, but before you could even get it out Kylo turned and ran off, closing the door behind him and leaving you all alone. 


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content warning: Mentions of abortion.

You didn’t want to run after him right away. Instead you stood there, hand over your mouth feeling like you were going to vomit again, shaking uncontrollably. Pregnant? Really? Part of you immediately began to talk yourself out of it. Surely the Force would have stopped something like this. Surely Kylo would have been able to see this coming and would have been able to stop it. Right? You weren’t pregnant. You couldn’t be.

But the symptoms told it all. The vomiting. The runny nose. The aversions. The fatigue. The mood swings. It all came together and told one tale: You were pregnant. You started crying again, panicking as you truly didn’t know where to go from here. You hadn’t meant to forget about getting the implant, but everything had just been so perfect for you. You had been on cloud nine here in the First Order. Not having to worry about anything from being fed to being clothed, and obviously not worrying about anything medical either. You felt like a fool, like you had made the single most detrimental mistake of your life. You needed Kylo and his guidance and you needed it now.

The second you could will your feet to move you were sprinting out of the bedroom after Kylo. You could hear him moving about in the living room below you, so that’s where you focused your attention. The second you spied him milling about in the living room, his hands on his head while he walked in tight circles in the open, you felt at ease. You weren’t in this alone, you had Kylo to help you. You began to descend the stairs, listening to him mumble something about being able to “fix this” on his own until he heard you coming toward him.

“Kylo, what are we--” You started to say, but the minute he laid eyes on you he booked it across the living room to the kitchen. “Kylo? Wait, Kylo!” You said, desperately calling out to him, but he refused to slow down. You tears began to drip down your face again at his ignoring you. You couldn’t do this alone. You needed the man that had made you feel so safe for so long. You needed him, yet he was pushing you away. 

You turned the corner into the kitchen where you found him leaning on his hands over the sink, looking like he was going to get sick just as you were. “It’s too much. I can’t, I can’t let this happen.” He chanted as if he were in some sort of trance. His words made no sense to you. They were too dark, too demented. Too awful to be saying about a pregnancy you just found out about.

“Kylo, what are you saying?” You begged for answers, only to have him suddenly turn toward you and grasp you by your shoulders.

“I can bring someone here,” He stated, a crazed look in his eye that made you think he was out of his mind. “They can destroy it. Then we can, then we’ll be okay.” He nodded his head, smiling like he was trying to push past his panic. There was only one thing he could be talking about when he said “destroy it,” and that was something you were not prepared to talk about.

“What are you saying?!” You shouted, wiggling your way out of his grasp. You were hurt that he was deciding this for you when it was your body and your choice on if you wanted to end your pregnancy or not. You hadn’t even had a meaningful conversation about it yet, and truthfully neither of you had any hard evidence on if you were pregnant or not. “We don’t, we don’t even know for sure. We can’t just jump to conclusions like this!” You watched the overly happy look fade from his face before he turned back to the sink, beginning to gag. Just the thought of him getting sick in front of you was enough to turn your stomach, and you felt the need to vomit again. You turned, ran all the way to the bathroom on the first level where you once again threw up. Whether it was from your supposed pregnancy or from the massive amount of stress you were under, you didn’t know. But by the time you were finished and had a minute to compose yourself and think about the situation, you thought you were ready to confront Kylo. You realized the problem wasn’t that you were pregnant. It was that Kylo wasn’t thinking straight. You had spent so much time taking care of Kylo that you realized this was just the most extreme you had seen him. You had to calm him down, talk to him. Make him realize that this isn’t something that can just go away. As confident as you could, you stood yourself up and exited the bathroom, prepared to make Kylo sit and have an actual conversation about this predicament. 

You walked across the foyer into the living room where you found Kylo sitting on the couch, his elbows propped up on his knees and his face in his hands. He was as still as a statue and as quiet as a mouse. You thought now would be better than never to confront him, so as gently as you could you brought yourself down on the couch next to him. He didn’t even so much as move when you pressed your bodies together. You could practically feel the stress running throughout his body, and you instantly felt worse for him than you did yourself. You draped yourself over his back, wrapping your body around his as best as you could to hug him. You didn’t want him to feel alone, you didn’t want him to panic. You did everything you could to comfort him, and you could only hope that it was making some sort of impact.

“It’s scared.” He whispered, followed by a massive, wet sniff. He was crying, hiding his face so that you couldn’t see him breaking down.

“Kylo,” You whispered, closing your eyes and nuzzling your face into his back. 

“I can feel it. It’s afraid of me. I have to destroy-”

“Kylo, I think you’re the one who’s most scared right now.” You said, boldly cutting him off. He was allowing his emotions to speak for him, and you really couldn’t believe that Kylo would want to kill his own child. He began to quake below you. You heard him let go of another sigh, then heard a soft sob come from below you. Kylo was scared. Terrified of what he, himself, had created. In a moment you were being thrown from his back. Before you could even sit yourself up Kylo was wrapping his arms around you, tucking his face into your neck and began to openly sob on your shoulder. 

“I’m sorry,” He said between his tears. You could only hold him close, run your hands over his neck and back as he finally let it all out. “I’m scared. I don’t know what to do.” The man that had made you feel so safe sat in your arms, trembling as he lost control over himself. All you could do was hold him and tell him everything was going to be okay.

“Why don’t we go get a test. Just to be 100 percent sure. Then we can talk about our options from there.” He lifted his head and took in his entire dismal, defeated look. You could see it in his eyes; he was afraid. He nodded his head, apologized to you yet again, then lay back down on your shoulder. You held him there and decided you’d sit here for as long as he needed you to. Since day one it had been obvious that he needed you more than you needed him. Today, even though you were just as much as a wreck as he was, you needed the guidance too, but you wouldn’t get it unless you had his support first.

Kylo left hours later to retrieve you a pregnancy test, to which you immediately took it to the bathroom and utilized it. You stared at the small digital screen as it blinked, analyzing your urine until it finally settled on one result: Pregnant, 3 +. You really shouldn’t have been so surprised. You did trust Kylo when he announced his prediction, but this just solidified the news. The 3+ indicated how many weeks the test estimated you were pregnant. You really should have known. The birth control shot would have worn off 5-6 months down the line, and you hadn’t received a period since then. You could be 4 months pregnant for all you knew. The irresponsibility weighed on you like the weight of the entire galaxy. How could you have let this happen?

With the test gripped tightly in your hand you exited the bathroom and walked across the foyer to find Kylo still standing against the wall to the kitchen. When he caught sight of you his eyes were glued to you, and you could do nothing but hand the test over to him. 

“Well, at least we know for sure.” You said, trying to lighten the mood even just a little, but Kylo didn’t seem to care. He stared at the small white and blue stick for a good minute before closing his eyes and simply allowing it to fall to the floor. “Do you want to talk about it now?” You asked him, to which he only sighed and brought his hand to his face to pinch the bridge of his nose.

“I never expected any of this.” He said, you could hear the strain in his voice. “I meant to remind you, I really did. But I guess I forgot.”

“So did I.” You admitted, but quickly realized it didn’t help the situation at all. You couldn’t change the past, so there was no use dwelling on it anymore. “What do we do now?” You asked, taking a step toward him cautiously. “I’d--I really don’t want to abort it. It is our baby, you know.” You spoke the truth. You knew abortions were necessary in some situations, and by all means, you thought it should be a woman’s choice on whether or not she wanted to keep her child. But when it came down to your choice on the matter, you didn’t think you could face an abortion. 

Kylo didn’t answer you right away, and you feared he had made up his mind on if he wanted you to end your pregnancy. You were fearful until he started speaking again, then you thought you were back on the right track. 

“I just don’t think we’re capable of caring for a child.” He said, and you could see his eyes beginning to well with tears again. 

“What do you mean?” You asked. You truly didn’t understand what he was talking about. He had the space. He had the money. What else could you possibly need that the two of you didn’t have to raise a child? 

“I’m busy. I have a lot to do. I can’t dedicate all of my time to an infant!” He said, once again beginning to raise his voice at you. He sniffed, clearly still emotional about the ordeal. You looked at him, studying the way his facial features changed, the way the pitch of his voice fluctuated and you realized something. He wasn’t arguing with you, he was becoming defensive. The two of you hadn’t fought often during your time together, but when you did he was never like this. He was confident, loud, and fearless when he argued with you, but now he was unsure, timid, and emotional. It was like he was facing an internal argument along with you, like he wanted to keep the child he created but another part of him was telling him no. It was upsetting, really. He was so torn and you wanted to help him, but you could see him throwing up his defensive walls with each passing second. You didn’t think this conversation was going to end the way you wanted, but you had more than just yourself to fight for so you put your all into it.

“You don’t have to dedicate 100 percent of your time and attention to it, Kylo,” You started, thinking of any rebuttal that you could. “I don’t work, I can stay at home with them. Parenting for sure takes a lot of effort, but with every resource we have available to us it’ll be a lot easier than you think.”

“See, you’re not listening to me!” He argued, reaching up and wiping tears away from his eyes. “We have no resources. We’re going into this alone! With just us! I don’t expect you to understand, this goes far back, back when I was just a commander, back when I was just a child. I can’t do this. We can’t do this. We can’t keep it!” You watched as he ducked his head into his hands again and started sobbing. You knew it’s not what he wanted, but to him it felt like it was his only option. You felt your own child beginning to slip right through your fingers. There had to be a better way. There just had to.

“Kylo, you’re doubting yourself.” You said, taking his cheeks in your hands and lifting his face to yours. “You’re afraid, I understand. I’m afraid too. But you can’t let your fear ruin what could very well be the best part of our lives. You’ve never told me your history, and I don’t expect you to. I understand that it’s painful, but you can’t allow your past to determine your future. Our future is here. We didn’t plan for it, but it’s here. It’s alive and aware inside of me, and you said so yourself. It’s afraid. It feels. I don’t want to abort it, I want it to live knowing its parents cared enough about it to give it life, to give it a chance.” Your words faltered as your own tears began to surface. “Please, Kylo. I don’t want to abort it. Let me carry it for as long as I can and then give birth. Then we can talk about other options.” 

Even though the thought of giving your child away pained you, you thought it was a much better alternative than to just end its life. Kylo looked you deep into your eyes for a moment before closing them again and inhaling as deep as he could. Your words seemed to have resonated with him, made him understand that you just wanted the best for him. You hated to see him torture himself, and it would seem he had finally calmed down. You were hopeful yet again about the thought of being a family.

“I don’t know if I’m capable of loving a child.” He whispered to you. It was shocking to hear that this was his biggest fear, but truthfully, when you thought about it, it wasn’t surprising. You could say you loved Kylo, but you couldn’t say for certain that he loved you. His actions spoke louder than his words, but you still hardly knew him. You could tell he could be distant, and especially now you could tell it was hard for him to open up to you. You had to remind yourself that the agreement you set was only for sex and protection. You gave him your body, he gave you a place to live with him. There was never meant to be any baby, and suddenly you realized you had something new to fear. 

“Kylo, if I refuse to have an abortion, are you going to send me away?” You asked, your voice raising into a high pitched whine. You watched through your tears as his eyes widened, jumped as his arms wrapped tightly around you and he squeezed you as hard as he could. You could barely breathe, he was holding you so tight, and you finally had your answer.

“No.” He exclaimed, pushing his face into your neck. “You can’t leave me. I won’t let anyone take you away from me.” You wrapped your arms around him and exhaled, feeling at least somewhat relieved that that part of the equation hadn’t changed. Kylo didn’t want you to leave him, and you didn’t want to leave him. It was an emotional embrace, one where you felt like you finally had some sort of understanding. “Please don’t leave me. We can work something out. Just please don’t leave me.” 

The conversation revealed that his true fear, what he was more afraid than being able to love a child, was losing you. This was going to be a difficult situation, and you didn’t want the threat of leaving him be the way you got what you wanted. Communication was key. You thought that you could work with Kylo to find a viable solution to this issue. For now, you took solace in the fact that you would be allowed to carry your child. You could worry about the rest of the details when the time came. 

Kylo still refused to take you to a doctor, but eventually caved when you recommended a doctor come to his home instead. Even then you had to bicker with him a little he agreed to have someone come in the next morning while he was at work. You watched from the bed behind him as he made plans for your care, including a radiologist, a midwife, and a team of nurses that would be available to you whenever you need. What was troubling is that attached to each one of the messages was a nondisclosure agreement. You were worried. It was like he was hiding you away, keeping you a secret from anyone else on the ship. It was troubling to think about, but you supposed you had never asked him to leave before. Knowing what you know now, he probably wouldn’t let you. You were certainly content with just sitting in his home for the time being, but you worried about what kind of life that would be to a child. 

The stressed out sigh that came from next to you told you that it wouldn’t be a good topic to bring up right away, that you could worry about it later. For now, Kylo was giving you what you wanted, and that was the medical attention you’d need to ensure you grew your child healthy and strong inside of you. That was as much as you could ask for at the moment. 

He shut off the light, laid himself down into bed and turned away from you. Everything was silent for a moment, but you knew you couldn’t allow him to go to bed so wound up. He had been on edge all day, and you knew he didn’t deserve to be so stressed. You draped your arm over him and placed a kiss upon his shoulder before whispering one last goodnight to him.

“Thank you for listening to me today.” You said, pushing your forehead into his shoulder blades and closing your eyes. You still felt safe as you held onto him, and at the same time you felt like you were protecting him. Granted, you couldn’t actually protect him from his own detrimental thoughts, but this was the best you could do. You wanted to make him feel loved and important, and this was the best way you could. Reminding him that you were thankful for everything that he had done for you, and everything that he was doing for you and your child. You could only hope that he accepted your thankfulness.

“Thank you for understanding me.” He whispered back to you, and a smile broke out over your face. Your hormone caused you to become over-emotional and you felt more tears coming on. You understood him. That was a step in the right direction. 


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy new year's everyone!  
> My new year wasn't that great. If you follow me on twitter then you know that my poor son ripped his foot open on NYE, and I've been struggling ever since then because he can't walk and he's in so much pain. That's why this chapter is a little late. My apologies.

Late the next morning, the first people you had met since your move to the Supremacy, your medical team, showed up long after Kylo had left you to go to work. You were hoping he was going to stay and offer you support and to be there to see his child, but you had found when he was this stressed out leaving him alone and letting him make his own decisions was the best choice. You tried to remain positive and excited, intently listening to the midwife as she talked you through what was to happen to you over the next weeks and months. She explained the first thing they had to do was estimate how far along you were, and the only way to do that, since you hadn’t gotten a period in so long, was to have an ultrasound. Truth be told, you were excited. You had managed to ward off the emotional day you had with Kylo yesterday all morning long for this exact moment. Today, you’d get to see the child you created. That was all that mattered to you.

The nurse and radiologist set up some waterproof pads onto your bed and asked you to lay down and expose your abdomen. The jelly they squirted just below your belly button was cold and made you shiver, but when the doppler was placed into it you managed to push those thoughts to the side in favor of taking in the image on the black and white sonogram machine. You watched as grey, black, and white lines swirled around on the small computer next to the radiologist, then allowed the biggest smile to spread over your face as the image of your child sat before you. There was no mistaking it. There were no dots. No blobs. Just what definitely looked like a baby.

“There’s the little one.” The radiologist said, adjusting the doppler to get a clearer picture. It was your baby's profile. They had a large round cranium, a distinctive nose, a rotund belly, and you could see at least one leg that was bent against the side of your uterus; its little toes could be seen pushing up against you. It was the first time you had ever seen an ultrasound for a baby, and you thought it was the most awe-inspiring sight ever.

Your only wish was that Kylo could have been here to experience it with you.

“Alright, let’s get some measurements.” She said before turning back to the computer. From there she clicked some keys, moved things around on the screen in front of you. You watched her pause the video, play it back to get certain measurements, then move back to live time to get some more. She measured the length of the babies head, body, limbs, and measured some of your anatomy too. All while keeping a steady hand on the doppler so that the image of your child could always be seen.

It was active. That’s one thing you never thought about was how active babies were in the womb. You saw your baby kick, throw its entire body around inside of you, move its arms a little bit, and even place its hand on its face. It was quite the sight, and you couldn’t stop tears from slipping down your face when she told you your baby was perfectly healthy.

“Baby is measuring about 12 weeks and two days.” The tech said as your midwife jotted down some notes in your file. “Which means you’ve officially made it past your first trimester. Congratulations!” She was cheery enough for you to look away for a moment to find her smiling at you. She seemed happy for you, and so did your midwife. The entire thing left you feeling joyous and excited about your future. You could only hope that Kylo would feel the same way. 

“Can you tell if I’m having a boy or a girl?” You asked. You wanted to know. You thought knowing your baby's gender would cause Kylo to become a little more personable with his child, but your hopes were quickly dashed when the tech told you it was too early.

“Next ultrasound at 20 weeks we should be able to tell.” She said, and you nodded your head. You had your hopes set high on having a girl. Ever since you were young you had always wanted a daughter, and now that you had learned your child was healthy you thought it was appropriate to start wishing. 

You were printed five photos of your child to share with Kylo and you held them close to your heart as the midwife went onto explain about when she planned on coming by and what other exams you’d need. She gave you a bottle of pills called prenatals and told you to take one a day. They would help keep you and your child healthy. 

It felt like it was entirely too soon when they left you alone, photos in hand and feeling incredibly lonely. The high you had been on was beginning to fade away, and you realized you’d have to confront Kylo when he got home with dinner tonight. You’d tell him his child was healthy, that you were taking pills to keep it that way, and that your due date was just six short months down the line. Given what Kylo had put you through yesterday, you thought you were right to worry. You wanted this to be a good thing. Not something that would stress him out. You walked into the bathroom and lifted your sleeping shirt, showing off your belly only to yourself in the mirror. You couldn’t make out any difference in the shape of your belly, but you figured it would have to happen eventually.

“Your mommy and daddy can’t wait to meet you.” You whispered to your child. You didn’t know if they could hear you or not, but just speaking to them put you at ease. In six months, you were going to be a mother. It was both an exciting and intimidating change to be going through, but you were all for it. You were certain Kylo would come around. Again, it was his child too and you couldn’t imagine him abandoning it. 

You sat at the dining table watching the seconds tick by. You held your ultrasound photos tight in your hands, ready to jump up the minute Kylo walked through the door to give them to him. You thought for sure this would break him, that the photos of your developing baby would give him the push he needed to finally understand. To feel the way you feel, to love the way you love. You thought he would take one look at the black and white images and admit he was wrong. That he’d want to keep your child and you. It made you so happy, and as soon as you heard the sound of the door opening you shot up, ready to greet him at the door.

Only you didn’t even make it that far before your body was frozen in place. 

You could do nothing but listen as his thunderous footsteps as he approached you, and when he finally entered your field of vision he released you. You couldn’t help but to wonder if things like that affected your child within you as well, wondered if it would take a toll on them for some reason.

“What was that about?” You asked, trying not to let the intrusiveness affect the good mood you were determined to keep.

“I’d appreciate it if you didn’t greet me at the door.” He said, and you could tell that he was down. You wanted to press him further, to ask him why he would request something so absurd but you didn’t want to worsen his mood. Instead you wrapped your arms around him and leaned up, puckering your lips for a kiss. He didn’t hesitate to place his lips upon yours for just one moment, wrap his arms around you as you welcomed him home just as you did every evening. You could tell he needed you. He had a rough day and you knew he’d need your company. He said nothing as he unwound his arms from your body. You watched as he stepped aside you and headed toward the living room where he sat on the couch and removed his boots, then proceeded to just stare at the wall. You couldn’t let him mope like this. You needed him to be happy.

“How was work?” You asked him, holding the photos behind your back. You wanted to surprise him when he was least expecting it. 

“Work was work.” He said, not moving an iota. He sighed a while later before dropping his head into his hands. The poor man was so stressed out. 

“Well, look at what I got.” You said, nearly vibrating in excitement. You unhid the photos and held them out to him, watched him lift his face from his hands for a moment and look at the set of pictures. “They said its healthy. They gave me some pills to take for it and everything.” You felt a sense of pride growing in your chest and you fought back the tears as he reached for the images and looked at them even closer. This seemed like it would be it, that he would finally understand that he was having a child. You smiled as he shifted the paper through his fingers until he got to the last image, then stared at him in shock as he simply placed the photos on the couch cushion next to him.

“That’s wonderful.” He said before dropping his face in his hands yet again. You were defeated. There would be no winning this war with him today, and you didn’t want to push the issue knowing it would just stress him out. Dismally you reached down next to him and took back the photos, placing them behind your back. You were hiding them from him in a desperate attempt to bring up his mood. 

“Can I get you anything?” You asked, showing your genuine concern for his wellbeing. You had to wonder at what point would you have to stop looking out for him and focus more on your health. Kylo was still a priority for you, but understandably you had someone more important to think about than him. Someone that you were growing inside you, someone that depended 100 percent on you for their nutrition, their safety, their and their love. Kylo could fend for himself, but your baby was defenseless. For now, though, you wanted to cheer him up. So when he asked you to bring him the small bottle of whiskey sitting on the bottom shelf of the fridge, you didn’t hesitate. As he sat chugging the clear liquid in the living room you chugged a glass of water, swallowing your first of many prenatal pills. 

Things didn’t get better as the months progressed. If anything you felt Kylo was becoming more and more distant as your belly grew and grew. It was subtle at first, but what solidified his detachment to his own child took place the day after your second ultrasound.

Your belly had grown so much bigger between your first and second ultrasound and you were shocked to see how much your baby had developed as well. Not only was it much bigger in general, but it’s facial features were much more prominent and defined now. You could see its spine glowing bright white in its back, while its other bones, though still hard to see, were much longer and more developed. Its body had filled out and it was starting to look more like a baby, and you were excited to see the ultrasound tech place the word  _ GIRL  _ on top of one of the images that you could only guess was between her legs. You were over the moon, squealing in excitement as your dreams had come true. You were having a girl, and you thought, if nothing else, that would excite Kylo even more. He had always been such a soft, caring, cuddly man. You were close to your father and you thought it would be the same for your daughter. There was no way Kylo could refuse a bouncy little girl, dressed in a cute dress with her hair done up in pigtails. 

“Can I ask a favor?” You asked the ultrasound technician as she went on to take more measurements. Your eyes were glued to the screen, watching as your daughter opened and closed her mouth and her fists, turn her head, bend her knees, and for the first time you got to see what it looked like when she kicked you. It was a magical feeling that you had felt for the first time around the 15 week mark. You first thought it was just gas, but you couldn’t deny the feeling of a little foot being pushed into the side of your abdomen. You placed your hand where you had felt her kick you only to have her pull away from you. It was yet another sign that she was alive and well within you, and you couldn’t wait to have her in your arms.

“Sure!” The tech answered, as happy and cheerful as she always was. She stopped what she was doing and gave you all of her attention, something that you couldn’t even say Kylo had done in a long time. It was nice to have someone look out for you for once, unlike Kylo who just seemed to exist within the last few days. 

“I want to tell Kylo, but I don’t want to just tell him.” You confessed, and you knew just the way to tell him. “Can you pick me up a little pink stuffed animal? I think that would be fun, won’t it?” Your heart soared as she reciprocated your enthusiasm, nodding your head and agreeing that it would be the perfect way to inform him. 

“I can bring you one. That’s so perfect!” She exclaimed. It felt like, for the first time in forever, you had a real friend to share your excitement with. 

The ultrasound lasted another ten minutes, then the tech shared your plan with your midwife and even she agreed that it would be a fun idea. As the midwife explained what was to come in your future the tech went out to fetch your stuffed animal, and she came back with a cute pink teddy bear. It was fuzzy, would fit within the palm of Kylo’s hand. You could set it next to his coffee machine and he’d see it after he had time to wake up and be alert before work. You hugged it close to you, thanked the two women and then sadly watched them pack up their equipment and leave. Once again it was just you and your daughter, and you had some planning to do.

The next morning you woke up along with Kylo, snuck out of bed and got to work on your master plan. You had hidden the teddy bear in the pocket of one of your sweaters that you placed deep in the closet where Kylo couldn’t find it. As soon as Kylo left the bed and ventured into the bathroom you launched yourself from the bed and into the closet, taking ahold of the bear and quietly tiptoeing downstairs into the kitchen where you started to set the scene. You made him coffee, poured it into his favorite mug and set out the milk and sugar for him to add to his liking. You warmed up one of the homemade oatmeal bars you had made last week that he liked and placed it next to the coffee, then in the middle of the scene placed the teddy bear on top of one of the 3D ultrasounds you had printed of your daughter sleeping. The cherry on top was the sticky note you had written for him:  _ I can’t wait to meet you daddy!  _ If this didn’t excite him then nothing would. You ran back up the stairs and threw yourself into bed, under the covers and faced away from him all before he opened the door and began to dress. You counted it as a success, and you couldn’t wait for him to see the fruits of your labor.

If you strained hard enough, you could hear him moving around below you. You listened as closely as you could, and as soon as you thought you heard the door open and close you were standing to your feet again, nearly sprinting to the kitchen where you found he did, indeed, interact with your set up. Everything was off the counter with the exception of the sugar which was pushed back to its original spot. He had taken the photo and the teddy bear with him to work, and you couldn’t hold back the burst of energy you got. You jumped into the air and clapped your hands. You had won. Your daughter had won Kylo’s heart and it was the sweetest victory ever. You ventured into the dining room in order to make it into the living room to sit down for a moment and noticed that Kylo had left his mug and plate on the dining room table. This wasn’t a rare occurrence, whenever he’d take the time to have breakfast. You weren’t bothered by cleaning it up until you got close enough to find the ultrasound photo and sticky note sitting next to the plate. You furrowed your brow, your excitement beginning to fall from your shoulders. You had counted your chickens before they hatched, and you were severely disappointed.

Oh well. The teddy bear was still nowhere to be seen. You checked high and low and couldn’t find it anywhere. That must have meant he still took it to work with him, and you tried to dwell on that fact. You had gotten it through Kylo’s head that this was a time to be celebrated, and it was a good feeling. 

You went on to make yourself an omelet and some bacon for breakfast, thinking about what you and Kylo would do when he’d get home. The two of you hadn’t done much of anything together in the last few weeks, and you were missing your involved, caring man. Maybe you’d offer him a massage, or ask him to shower with you, just to get some alone time with him. He was stressed and distant at all hours of the day, you just wanted to take care of him.

After pouring the eggs and other dressings into the pan, you had taken the three broken eggshells from the counter and was heading toward the trashcan. Maybe tonight you’d offer him dinner instead of ordering it for once. He seemed to favor the foods you cooked instead of what the kitchen delivered, and you just wanted to show your appreciation. You stepped on the foot of the trashcan and watched as the top lifted only to nearly let a scream fly from your throat as you came face to face with something you never expected to see.

The small pink teddy bear you had gifted Kylo sat neatly on the very top of your garbage that was supposed to go out today. You dropped the eggshells to the floor and took the bear in both of your hands, doing your best to wipe the dust and debris off of its bottom from when you swept the kitchen and dining room last night. This was the most heartbreaking thing Kylo had ever done to you, and as you cried and cradled the teddy bear close to you, you decided that your relationship with him was nearing the point of no return. Your child meant the world to you. Kylo meant the world to you, but if Kylo felt this negatively about his daughter you didn’t know if fighting for his love would be worth it. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, okay. I -know- what you guys are thinking. I promise this is going to be a happy story. Everyone will be happy and Kylo will redeem himself! I'm just such a sucker for drama and angst. I can't help myself sometimes.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content Warning: Childbirth

You hid from him. You took yourself upstairs to your lonely bedroom that you had only spent one night in, and you hid from him. You had the teddy bear and both sets of ultrasound photos at your side. You cried, and you hid from him. You could feel your daughter kicking around inside of you as your body wracked with your sobs that evening, and when you heard his heavy footsteps ascending the stairs you tried your best to quiet yourself. You were sitting on the floor next to the bed so that if he opened your door he wouldn’t be able to see you, and you were relieved when you heard him walk right past the door. You let out a sigh, hugging the pink teddy bear close to you. You knew you couldn’t hide forever. You knew he’d find you. You knew you’d have to put your foot down and compromise with him eventually, but you knew it was going to be painful. You didn’t want to have to say goodbye to Kylo or your daughter, but as the days went on it became painfully obvious that Kylo was probably going to make you choose one or the other. It was conflicting, especially when you heard him shout your name from the end of the hall.

You closed your eyes, balling yourself up as well as you could as you heard your door open. Kylo knew exactly where you were, and you wouldn’t put it past him to have used the force to find you. You kept your eyes closed as tight as you could to stop the tears, but as you felt him step close then sink to the ground next to you you couldn’t stop the floodgates from breaking open. What he had done hurt you more than anything ever had in your life. Just knowing he was there brought back the awful emotions that plagued you when you caught sight of the teddy bear in the trash. How could someone do such a thing? 

“Hey.” He said, but his soft tone wouldn’t break you. You buried your face into the teddy bear and refused to even acknowledge his existence. There was more silence, until he reached behind you and placed his hand upon your back. You jumped, feeling as if he had slapped you across the face. He was trying to console you for something he had done. Something just wasn’t right about this situation.

“Why, Kylo?” You asked him. You needed to know why he was so cruel to his own daughter. “Tell, tell me why you don’t want our daughter?” His hand stopped stroking your back and you could feel him grow stiff there next to you. 

“I do want our daughter,” He said with a sigh. You had heard him beginning to talk, but you couldn’t believe that he wanted to keep his child.

“Throwing the teddy bear that symbolizes her in the trash isn’t wanting to keep her!” You said, throwing his arm off of you and scooting away from him. You leaned yourself against the wall, still facing him and burying your face into your arms. This was it. This was when Kylo was going to tell you it was either her or him. And you weren't prepared to have to choose. 

“I’ve told you, I’m afraid.” He explained, his voice hardening and faltering all at once. Here he was again with the strange defensiveness that you just couldn’t explain. 

“Afraid of being able to love a child that you created?” You asked him, finally gaining the courage to life your head. Kylo sat cross-legged staring at you. He was much more composed and, dare you say it, upbeat than he had been in the last few weeks. This was the most he had engaged you, and you were thankful that he was opening up to you finally. You only wished it would have come before he had so brutally ripped your heart right out of your chest and threw it away. “Kylo, I don’t know how to explain it to you. It comes naturally. I feel like you’re pushing us away because you’re afraid, and that’s  _ not  _ what you’re supposed to do!” He sighed, hung his head and pushed some hair out of his face. His silence was not what you wanted to hear at the moment, so you continued to let out all of your stress; verbally frothing at the mouth about everything you had on your mind these last few weeks. 

“I want to help you. I want to love you. I want you to love your daughter, but telling me that you’re afraid of not loving her isn’t enough for me, Kylo! I’m afraid you’re going to make me choose. You’re going to make me choose between loving you or loving my own daughter. I can’t do that Kylo. You can’t make me do something like that.” He held his hand up to you, immediately halting your speech. 

The way he whispered your name, begging you to stop breaking his heart as you did his was deafening. For the first time since this speech started, you realized he was hurting as well. You knew he was scared, you just didn’t think it was strictly because he didn’t know how to love. You hadn’t even realized you let it slip that you wanted to love him, but he didn’t even react to that. Unless his reaction was to stop you from talking because he was afraid of loving you too. You couldn’t take the thought. Instead you tucked your head back into your arms and started sobbing yet again. This was not how you saw your day going at all.

“It runs much, much deeper than that. Deeper than I expect you to understand.” He said, taking your hands in his and forcing you to look at him. “I’m a broken, abused man. I know you think I’m strong, but I can’t be all the time. Knowing that someone was going to come into this world, knowing someone was going to have my blood running through their veins and knowing they were going to have to depend on me, the most imperfect person in this entire galaxy, scared me more than anything. I was irrational, I can see it now. Wanting her dead just to protect her isn’t the answer. Throwing the toy away wasn’t the answer. I care so deeply about you and about her. I just want the two of you to be safe.” You could hear the strain in his voice. He was being genuine, but you could still tell that there was more, just under the surface, that you couldn’t see. 

“You mean more to me than you think you do, and I want you to be happy. I know it hurt you to see the bear in the trash. I thought about it all day long when I felt your shock. I’m going to try. I’m going to try to push past this fear, this fear that very well could be irrational. I’m going to try for you and for her. I want to be there for you, but I don’t expect I’ll be fixed or healed overnight.” His hands shook in yours, and you thought he was just minutes away from melting down. By all means, you were happy to hear that he was going to try, but you were still frustrated that he was still keeping you in the dark.

“Kylo, I appreciate your promises. I really, really, do. But I know you’re not telling me the whole truth.” You said, scooting up close to him and pressing your body into his. You wrapped your arms around his neck and looked him deep in the eye. You wanted to put this behind you, but you had to know why he was really pushing you away. “Please, just tell me so I can help you.” You begged, but the only answer you got was his forehead against yours and his warm breath on your face.

“I can’t.” He whispered, and you once again fought back the tears. “It’ll stress you out even more. You don’t need more stress when you have…” He trailed off, lowering his head and looking at your daughter that sat squarely in between the two of you. “...When you have her to take care of.” You reached up and placed your hands on his wrist and placed your forehead on his. It would seem this was as good of a conversation as you were going to get. Kylo admitting he was wrong, Kylo admitting his fears, and Kylo promising you he’d work on them for the sake of his family. It was a lot to take in, and you found yourself agreeing that revealing the truth might take a harder than normal toll on your body. You thought if Kylo were able to sit down and have this difficult conversation with you now then you trusted that there would be a time he would let it all out. You had trusted him this much to take care of you. You could trust him to reveal the truth when he was ready.

That night you sat dangling off the side of the bed. Kylo sat in between your knees, running his hands softly over your protruding belly. It was the first time he had spent any considerable amount of time with your baby bump, and you considered it to be nothing short of a miracle. You could feel the force swirling around in your womb, could feel your daughter reacting to it as Kylo’s jaw quivered. It was the most active she had been since you could feel her, and she was reacting to none other than her father. You could see the adoration in Kylo’s eyes, the need he had for his own blood that existed within you. But he was still holding back. The man looked like he needed to say something, like it was boiling just under his skin and he was holding back so much it was hurting him. You wondered if he loved you, if, as he pressed his face into your stomach and silently sobbed there against you, he loved his daughter. He said nothing when you told him you wanted to love him, and it was killing you that he wouldn’t say it. You sighed, closing your eyes and resting your hands on the back of his neck before hanging your head. 

You didn’t know how this was going to work, if you, your daughter, and Kylo would even be able to be a family. But Kylo had promised you he would try. That’s all you needed was for him to try. The three of you sat there in an embrace freely letting go of any and all emotions that plagued you. You had so many questions and so little answers, but it was out of your hands. You couldn’t stress about it, could only feel grateful that you had what you needed. You trusted that Kylo would come around eventually. You only had so much time before your daughter was actually here, and then he’d really have to change.

“I’m sorry.” He whispered against your skin. He never explicitly said who he was apologizing to, but you hoped it was to your daughter. 

There were so many nights Kylo spent there holding you against him, his hand splayed out over your belly as it grew bigger and bigger every day. He opened up more to you, and you felt things were finally returning back to normal for you and him. He spent time with you. He talked to you. He even joked with you about your own pregnancy the night he agreed with you that your nose was growing too big for your face. You laughed at him, he laughed at you, and it was the first genuine smile you had seen him give you since before you had found out about your pregnancy. 

He still didn’t attend your last two ultrasounds, opting instead to go to work even though you begged him to stay. He didn’t have much to say other than his presence was needed at work, and you never argued with him. He was trying. He was improving. He was working with you and you appreciated his efforts every step of the way. 

What was disparaging was the fact that you had no baby items. You had no clothing, no bottles, no blankets, bibs, pacifiers. Nothing. Kylo never made any mention of retrieving such items and each time you asked him to bring some home for you he would put it off, stating he would rather wait until your due date got closer. It’s what worried you the most about this whole ordeal. The only thing that you could think was he wasn’t planning on keeping your daughter when she was born. 

The time finally came when he could put it off no longer. You had gone to bed thinking tomorrow would be just a normal day. You’d see Kylo off for work with a kiss and a hug, you’d relax all day long, then he’d come home, eat dinner, then you’d go to sleep. But your routine had been derailed in the middle of the night when you woke up to the feeling of something warm trickling from between your legs. Your eyes flew open and you became mortified at the thought of losing control of your bladder, but the smell was off. The feeling was off as you felt you really couldn’t control the flow, and by the time it had stopped on it’s own you realized that it wasn’t urine, but amniotic fluid. 

You stared down at the small puddle that came to exist between your knees, unsure of what to do next. You were aware that your water had broken as you were sleeping, but what was supposed to happen to you next? You waited for the moment when the pain would come, when you’d be screaming at the top of your lungs as your contractions would take over, but nothing was happening. You looked over at Kylo who was asleep so soundly on the bed next to you and thought you had no choice but to wake him up. You shifted to push on Kylo’s shoulder, causing more amniotic fluid to spill from between your legs making you feel massively uncomfortable. 

“Kylo.” You moaned, placing your hand on your stomach as your daughter began kicking uncomfortable too. You got no response. “Kylo, wake up.” You said, pushing him a little bit harder. His eyes finally opened and he groaned in response to you waking him up. “My water broke.” You whispered, feeling unusually empty inside. You thought the moment you knew you were in labor would be joys. You’d be able to meet your daughter in a matter of hours, and your world would forever be changed. But no. You felt nothing as Kylo leaned up to observe the stain in his bedsheets, then wiped his face to wake himself up.

“Is that so?” He asked, and you nodded your head. His eyes met yours for a moment and he seemed interested in what was going on with you. Maybe this would be it too. Maybe this would be the moment Kylo showed some interest in your incoming child. But, as per usual, you were wrong. “Are you okay?” He asked, reaching out and placing his hand upon your warm belly. 

“I guess so.” You offered. You thought you could feel the very start of your contractions just as you ended the sentence, and you curled your toes in response. It wasn’t a familiar feeling. It was scary and borderline painful, and you knew it would just get worse from here. 

“I’ll call for your midwife.” Kylo said, taking his tablet in his hands and sitting up in bed. 

“Okay,” You breathed, looking up at the wall across from his bed. Before you knew it Kylo was standing and heading straight to the closet. You could hear him rummaging around, pushing and pulling clothes back and forth in the closet as if he were trying to find the perfect outfit to greet his daughter with. But you had a terrible feeling in the back of your mind that that wasn’t what the situation was.

You were as big as a house, could barely roll yourself up off of the bed let alone waddle ten feet to the closet to see what Kylo was up to. He was fastening his cape to his shoulders when you let yourself in, and you stared at him in awe. You watched as he finished adding the cape to his shoulders, then tucked his helmet under his arm. He wasn’t getting dressed for you, he was getting dressed to leave.

“What are you doing?” You asked him, feeling your heart already starting to fall apart. 

He turned and looked at you, a neutral, uninterested look upon his face that put you at severe unease. The fact that your water was still breaking as you stood there made the situation that much more uncomfortable. 

“I have to go.” He answered.

“Go where?” You asked him, stepping in front of him so that he couldn’t go anywhere. It had been ten minutes and you were feeling your second contraction. It was time. There was no doubt that you’d have your daughter by this time tomorrow, and he was leaving? “Where could you possibly have to go now?”

“Work.” He said, placing a hand on your shoulder and gently pushing you out of his way. You turned, placing your hand upon your belly and waddling after him, but he was going to fast. You took a frantic look at the clock as panic began to rise in your throat. 

“Work? At 3 in the morning?” You asked him, but you only got a weak nod of his head. You were shaking, reaching your hand out to him and begging him to come back, but the only thing he said to you was he had contacted your midwife. He assured you’d they’d be coming to help you, but he was adamant about having to be at work right that second. When you could waddle no more you stopped, watched him head towards the front door as you stood there completely defenseless. You thought he was doing so well, but all of the progress you thought he had made walked right out the door with him early that morning.

Your midwife and team of nurses showed up less than an hour later. You had spent so much time just sitting on the side of the bed mourning Kylo’s absence. You wanted him to be here so badly, but evidently he didn’t want to be by your side. You thought he was finally coming around, overcoming his mysterious fears that pushed him away from you, but you were wrong. It hurt so much. You were already overemotional and vulnerable as it was, and you just wanted him by your side. He had been telling you that he was excited for the birth of his daughter, and you tried to remind yourself that he was afraid. He had his personal reasons why he didn’t want to be with you, but it didn’t mean you weren’t still hurt.

You heard the footsteps coming from up the stairs just as yet another contraction hit you, and as the doors opened and in walked your team of nurses and your midwife you were severely disappointed to see Kylo was not among them. Your midwife saw your tears and melancholy and was still able to smile and greet you just as she always did.

“My dear, what’s the matter?” She asked you, walking up to you and wiping some of your tears away.

“He’s not here.” You whispered to her, bowing your head and succumbing to your tears once again. “I wanted him to be here, but he’s too scared.” 

“The Supreme Leader?” She asked, suddenly sounding much more firm than what you were used to. You nodded your head, looking up to her as if she could fix all of your problems. “Well, guess what,” She stated, squatting down and taking your hand in hers. “Who needs him? These next hours are going to be about you and your daughter. Your daughter needs you more than you need him right now. If he wants to miss out on this life changing moment, then that’s his problem and we can worry about it later. For now, you owe it to yourself and to your daughter to be strong, okay?” She said, looking at you in your eyes. Her pep talk only caused your tears to come faster. You didn’t want to believe her. You didn’t want to worry about it later. You wanted Kylo  _ now,  _ but the fact still remained that it was his choice to not be here with you. She was right, you needed to be stronger than you currently were. She had told you a long time ago that giving birth was like a marathon: you’re always tired in the end. Wearing yourself out sobbing over Kylo’s refusal would do you no good when, in the end, you’d be tired either way. You had to push past it. You had to be strong. You had to do it for yourself and your daughter.

As the hours passed slowly by, your contractions became more frequent and much more painful. Your midwife and nurses were there with you every step of the way, walking with you up and down the halls, holding your hand as you breathed through your contractions, and talking you through exactly what you needed to do. Five hours later you were only 8 centimeters dilated, having the most severe contractions every two minutes and lasted nearly two minutes each. You found that leaning over the dresser Kylo kept his lighter clothing in and gripping it when you were in pain was the most comfortable position, and you didn’t know how much more of this you could take. 

“Please, I need something for the pain.” You begged between your tears. “I can’t do this, I can’t!” There was something you had read about on Kylo’s tablet once, a tube that’s inserted into your back that numbs you from the waist down called an epidural. Now felt like a good time for that since you were only 2 centimeters away from being able to finally give birth. 

“Sweetheart, we can’t give you an epidural.” Your midwife said, and you whipped your head around to her so fast.

“What?!” You screamed, your jaw nearly flying off its hinges. “Why not?”

“The Supreme Leader gave us strict instructions that surgery was not an option during your birth.” She spoke, and you couldn’t imagine why. “No C sections, no epidurals, nothing like that. We’ve gotta do this naturally and we’ve gotta do it quickly.” She said, and another painful contraction wracked your body. You tucked your head into your arms on the dresser and screamed, one part due to the pain and one part due to your frustration. Kylo wasn’t here, but he was still making all of the rules for you. 

Another hour and a half passed, and you were finally able to start pushing. You had tried several positions, but the one that you found was the most comfortable was on your knees hugging your pillows as you pushed as hard and as long as you could. They had dressed your bed in a plastic liner as well as lots of waterproof pads, and even installed bed rails so you didn’t accidentally roll off. Everyone in the room was encouraging you to push for as long as you could and as quick as you could. You were exhausted, the voices behind your bleeding together most of the time and you couldn’t understand what they said. The only thing you knew was, as soon as you felt a contraction coming on, you had to push. There were no other options, no time to waste on wishing Kylo was here. There was only your daughter and her safe entry into this world.

Ten total hours of labor finally yielded the results you had been waiting for, and after one final large push you could feel your daughter slipping from your body. It had been a long, painful, and intense journey, but the moment you heard her little squeaky cry as the nurse lifted her from you and placed her in the bassinet to be cared for and cleaned, you felt as if you had completed the most momentous hurdle of your life. You felt so accomplished, so strong that thoughts of Kylo not being there for you quickly disappeared. You did this all by yourself, and that was a huge deal in your eyes. 

“She’s so beautiful.” One of the nurses said as another immediately began to tend to you. “Seven pounds twelve ounces, time of birth one fourteen pm.” You smiled, still on your hands and knees listening to her wail not so far away from you. “You did good, mama.” Another nurse said, pushing your hair from your face. 

“I want to see.” You said, still completely out of breath. 

“Well let’s get you taken care of first.” Your nurse warned, but you were impatient. 

You listened to your daughter calm herself as the nurses flipped you over and checked your vitals, and as soon as you were cleared they brought your daughter over to you. You held your arms out and accepted the small black bundle of blankets, holding her tight as you watched her blink over and over. The smallest, most precious noises came from her mouth as you adjusted her in your arms. She was warm, she was alive. She was yours. 

“Oh  _ god.”  _ You said as all of your emotions unravel all at once. “It’s my baby girl.” You broke down into the happiest of tears, Kylo now officially the furthest thought in your mind. You had your precious baby girl here with you now, and you decided right then and there that there would be nothing that would come in between the two of you. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm two chapters ahead of this posting and decided I need to get this chapter out since the last was so sad. I can't wait to share the rest with everyone! It's so exciting to see how popular it's getting.


	7. Chapter 7

Your medical team stayed close, monitoring both your progress and your daughters throughout the night. Reluctantly you handed her back to them so they could observe her and check her vitals, and right after they checked you out as well. She was perfectly healthy and so were you, and as soon as you could you were cuddling her in your arms again. Her little eyes were only half open, and she was bundled up nice and warm in her blanket and had a black hat to match. You smiled at her as she became comfortable in your arms, and when you whispered a quiet “I love you” to her, she surprised you by jumping, as if she were shocked to hear that you had a voice. She recognized your voice, opening her eyes wide and letting an excited cry. You ran your finger down her soft cheek, and she began rooting in that direction; her mouth open wide as if she were trying to eat from you. She was the most the most precious gift you had ever received, and you wouldn’t trade her for anything.

Taking a step back and looking at her, all of her, you realized that there was no way Kylo could deny his paternity. Her nose, her eye shape, and her lips all favored Kylo. You even laughed when you took a moment to remove her hat and were greeted by a full head of jet black, wild hair. You wondered if she were going to look like you at all, but she was only hours old. You were reaching too far into the future when she was here now to be loved. Your nurses had told you not to blink, because time goes by quick when you’re loving your child.

During the rest of the day, you were taught how to change a diaper and how to breastfeed, what to look out for in herself and yourself if you needed medical attention, and you were given a form to fill out in order to register her within the Order. The very first line you had to fill out was a name, and you realized you were at a loss. You hadn’t taken any time to think about a name for her. You did nothing but blink at the pink piece of paper as they laid your daughter down in the bassinet next to you after checking her one last time. You were tired, craved sleep after blowing all of your energy giving birth. As your daughter began cooing for your attention there next to you, you lifted your head to find the nurses and midwives beginning to pack up their things.

“Have you filled out the form yet, sweetheart?” One of them asked, but you hardly cared about the form at the moment.

“Are you leaving?” You asked, feeling your lip quivering. You had only been a mother for six hours. They couldn’t possibly be leaving you alone!

“We only have orders to stay for six hours after birth. We don’t want to leave, but the Supreme Leader’s orders were to leave as soon as we thought you two would be healthy.” You stared at her, words building in your throat that refused to come out. You had so much to say, so much to beg, plead, and cry, but nothing came out. Your mind was spinning in all sorts of directions, but the only thing you could respond to right away was her repeated question about filling out your form.

“I, I wanted to wait to see what Kylo had to say first.” You said, coming up with any excuse you could think of. It was the truth. There was a section that required the father’s signature, and you obviously couldn’t send the paperwork off without his signature in that box. “But please don’t leave me!” You desperately didn’t want to be alone. You were still new at this and were still scared out of your mind that you were going to mess something up. You didn’t have Kylo and you didn’t have anyone else, you needed them and here they were abandoning you. 

“I’m so sorry dear, but there’s nothing--” The nurse began to say, but was swiftly cut off by your midwife coming up behind her and gently pushing her out of the way.

“I’ll stay,” She said, boldly and confidently. “I think mom needs some rest, and I really don’t agree with how the Supreme Leader has decided to run this thing.” She said, reaching into the bassinet and gingerly lifting your daughter into her arms. “Just head back to Brolle without me. I’ll make contact when it’s safe for me to return.” You had just fed your daughter, and topped her off with one of the little bottles of formula just as your nurses suggested. You weren’t opposed to allowing her to help you sleep, but you were opposed to her leaving before Kylo came back--if Kylo were coming back. You also didn’t realize that they had brought your team from another planet to help take care of you. You thought you had remembered seeing Brolle on the list of First Order territories way back when, but you had to wonder why Kylo couldn’t just bring someone from the Supremacy to take care of you.

In the end, it didn’t really matter. Because with your daughter tucked in one arm she threw your blanket over you and shut your bedroom light off. “Is there anything you need, dear? Another blanket, some water?” She asked, caring for you as your nurses began to say their goodbyes. You thanked them, then watched dismally as they all left, leaving just you, your daughter, and your midwife alone. The only thing you needed was Kylo, and he wasn't here.

“You really should get some rest. I can tell you’re tired and we still don’t know when the Supreme Leader is going to return. Until then it’s just you and your girl.” She said sympathetically. 

“Are you going to stay until he comes back?” You asked, repositioning yourself and trying to make yourself comfortable. 

“I don’t know about that, but I do know I can’t leave you alone right now.” She said, offering you a reassuring smile. “Now rest, dear. We’ll be downstairs just hanging out. I’ll bring her to you when she’s hungry.” You nodded your head, feeling empty as you watched the last person you had come to know as a friend over the last few months walk away. She held your daughter protectively at her side, and you had to come to terms with this being the first time you’d be without her. You had carried her for nine months, gave birth to her and stayed with her for the first six hours after her birth. You were the only person she knew, and here you were already entrusting her care in someone else. You felt guilty, almost guilty enough to jump to your feet and run after them to insist you’d rather stay with your daughter. But the silence, the emptiness of the room, and your warm blanket and comfortable bed below you began to push the guilt from your mind. You were exhausted, having been up since 3 AM and giving your all to your daughter’s birth. Maybe just a ten minute snooze would do you good. You lay down, closed your eyes and allowed your body to drift to sleep. You’d have your daughter when you woke up. There was no need to worry.

You woke to the sound of your daughter crying after feeling like you had only gotten five minutes of sleep. You could barely keep your eyes opened as your midwife knocked, then let herself into your bedroom. You had moved yourself onto your side, just stared as she carried your crying baby into the room with a still so delighted smile on her face. “Hey, mama,” She said as she gently sat herself down next to you. “Your baby is ready to eat!” She said as you rubbed the sleep out of your eyes. You had been enjoying sleeping so much that you hardly even wanted to move to accept your child to feed, but you recognized that life was no longer just about you and your needs. Your child was hungry, and you produced the food that she consumed. Reluctantly you lifted yourself and took her into your arms, dropped the top of your hospital gown and exposed your breast to her. Breastfeeding so far had been a struggle, but with a little bit of help from your midwife and five minutes of determination, you eventually got your daughter to latch onto you and suck what was turning from yellow colostrum to white milk straight from your breast. You had known from the jump that this is what you wanted to do for her, so despite the soreness, abrasions, biting, and the tears from both you and her, you pushed on, smiling as your midwife gave you a cheery ‘good job’ from beside you.

“She lasted a full three hours without you. I think she recognized that you needed your sleep.” You stared at the woman, not believing her when she said you had slept for three hours. You were still so tired, like you could sleep for another day. You ended up just smiling at her as you looked down at your daughter who was happily suckling away, closing her eyes and even beginning to fall asleep on her own. “Have you thought of a name yet?” She asked, but you could only shrug.

“No. Not yet.” You said, once again feeling the blues of not having Kylo with you settling on your shoulders. “She’s his daughter too. I just feel like he should have a say in what her name is.” 

“Well that is true,” She said, resting her hand on top of yours and pulling your attention from your daughter to her. “I commend you for still including him, even though he’s off doing whatever.” Again, you could only shrug. You wanted him to be here. You wanted him to be apart of his daughter’s life, but you couldn’t force him to do such things. 

Your midwife kept you company until well into the night, helping you walk, bringing you snacks and drinks, and just being a friend to talk to. She provided you diapers, wipes, and even a few articles of clothing for your daughter to wear. She made up for what Kylo was lacking, and you couldn’t have been more thankful. The two of you dressed your daughter in white footie pajamas with a smiling cloud on the front after she taught you how to give her a bath with the small plastic tub she had given you. It was perfect. It was blissful. Until she got a call on her datapad. 

A woman showed up in the blue hologram asking where your midwife was, stating she was due back for routine visits on Brolle two hours ago. “I’m with baby girl Ren and her mother on the Supremacy. I’m sorry, it was an emergency situation.” She stated as your daughter slept peacefully in your arms. 

“Did you just say there’s a new baby on the Supremacy?” The woman asked, looking puzzled. “I thought births and babies weren’t allowed on the Supremacy?” Your head shot up to your midwife and you looked at her confused. What was that supposed to mean? Your midwife sighed, rolled her eyes and avoided all eye contact with you as she went onto explain that it was a complicated situation and that she’d be on Brolle soon. She hung up the call and allowed the stress to show on her face. She looked like the call had pained her

“Babies aren’t allowed on this ship?” You asked, unable to hold back the shiver that ran up your spine.

“No, it’s much more technical than that.” She explained, reaching into your arms and running her fingers through your daughter’s hair. “But, per The Supreme Leader’s rules, I’m not allowed to tell you.” You allowed her words to run through your mind, and your sleep deprivation immediately put your mind into a panic.

“Is--is he going to make me--”

“No, dear.” She cut you off almost instantly. “The Supreme Leader has made it abundantly clear that you and your infant are not to leave your home.” Her words were calm and reassuring, and for the most part put you at ease. Your biggest fear out of this entire ordeal was that Kylo was planning on sending her away. You calmed yourself, willing your mind to think rationally. Kylo was the one who ran this ship. He came up with the rule about no babies and he could easily do away with it to accommodate you. He didn’t want you to leave and he wouldn’t send either of you away. 

“Can you try contacting him again?” You asked once your heartbeat had returned to normal. You had been asking her and the nurses to message and call Kylo all evening long starting as soon as she was born. The first message came from you from the small tablet he had allowed you to message him on. All you said to him was “She’s here,” and you got no response. They had messaged him every hour per your request about anything: updates about you, updates about your daughter, updates about them. Each and every message went unreplied to, and it was the worst feeling ever. 

“I’ll have to. I’ll tell him you’re in distress and I need to leave soon.” She said, bringing up the messaging app on her tablet. You were sad to hear that she was needing to leave, but you tried to tell yourself that she had already overstayed her welcome. 

“Are you sure you can’t stay until he comes back?” You begged, but the sympathetic look of sorrow that greeted you from above her tablet told you no.

“I’m sorry, dear,” She started, hitting the send button and setting her tablet down on the bed next to her. “The Supreme Leader was already upset at me for staying as long as I have. I’d stay all night if I could, but we don’t even know when he’s coming back.” Disappointment. Words couldn’t explain how disappointed you were. This wasn’t your fault, or her fault. This was Kylo’s fault. Kylo and his stupid fears that he refused to share with you. You didn’t know why he had so many rules and fears when they were so detrimental to you. You just wanted the most normal birth experience you could have, and Kylo had taken that from you. 

Your midwife gave you a huge hug, reassuring you that you were a great mother and that she had no doubts that you’d do the right thing with or without Kylo. She wished you good luck, kissed your daughter on the forehead goodbye and then left you all alone. Sitting there in your bed that was still dressed with the rubber sheet from your childbirth, you looked down at your daughter. You just had her now. You didn’t know when Kylo was returning, or if he’d be returning at all. 

4 AM. Just over a full 24 hours without Kylo had passed, and you were beginning to get used to the loneliness. You had spent most of your time rocking, feeding, consoling, changing, cleaning, cuddling, and burping your little baby, but at four AM you decided you needed some alone time. You placed her gently down into her bassinet, making sure she would stay asleep, before tiptoeing as quietly as you could out into the hallway and down the stairs. You were content with simply wandering around Kylo’s living room alone, basking in the silence and emptiness while trying not to let it bother you at the same time. Walking was still challenging, and your midwife did tell you that it was important to walk as much as you could. So in the dim light of the starry windows you hobbled around, walking until you came to the massive bookcase in the far corner of the living room.

During your time with Kylo, you had read so many books that covered all different kinds of subjects from regular teen romance to the entire history of the Empire. You thought if your mind wasn’t so shot from everything that had transpired in the last 24 hours you’d be up to reading, but you didn’t think you could concentrate. Instead, just as you were about to turn and walk back down the hall, an interesting idea struck you when you least expected it. You still needed a name for your daughter, and since you couldn’t come up with anything what better way was there to find one than by randomly picking one from one of these books? It seemed like a cheap way to name your daughter, but you really were uninspired. You ran your finger along the spines until you found what you thought Kylo’s favorite book would be:  A Comprehensive History of The First Order . Surely there would be some good names in this book.

You opened it up to a random page and skimmed the words till you came to the first female name you found: Candice. The woman was a prisoner of the First Order that escaped and was later shot dead. You grit your teeth; not only did your daughter not look like a Candice but you didn’t want her to be associated with a dead, escaped convict. You turned a few more pages and skimmed until you found another female name: Anjylle. You weren’t even sure if you were pronouncing it correctly in your head, so you moved on. Lots of names came across your radar: Amaya, Jillian, Rae, to name a few, but after ten minutes of searching you finally came across a name that you found to be sweet and sincere.

_ General Lucille Fletcher led the fleet through the battle of Eden park, 4 BBY.  _

“Lucille.” You whispered, running your finger over the text. It was a soft, beautiful name that, when you pictured your daughter’s face in your mind, you could imagine your daughter would carry with pride. “Lucille…” You said proudly, dragging your finger along the sentence until you got to the second capital letter. Eden. It wasn’t a name in the context of the sentence, but it was still pretty cute none the less. “...Eden. Lucille Eden.” You spoke. The two names sounded perfect together. You couldn’t stop saying the name, and decided right then and there that your daughter would be Lucille Eden. Lucille Eden Ren. You felt your smile fading. Kylo wasn’t here to help you come to your decision. Again, you felt down. You missed him. You wanted him. You wanted your daughter.

As if right on cue, you heard your daughter, Lucille Eden, beginning to cry from up above you. You smiled as you began shuffling in that direction. She needed you, and you needed her more than she needed you.

Another round of feeding, some more burping and rocking while dancing around the room took another hour or so, and soon you were finding yourself cuddling down in bed. You needed to rest; everyone had always told you to sleep while she slept, and you hadn’t really been doing a good job at following that direction. Lucille sat sleeping quietly in her bassinet while you covered yourself with the blanket and once again turned out the light. You had every intention to get as much sleep as you could before Lucille would wake up, but a sound coming from downstairs caught your attention.

The door opening and closing, footsteps walking about below you. Your heartbeat skyrocketed as you sat straight up, being careful to stay quiet as to not wake Lucille. The footsteps grew closer and closer, thumping up the stairs and advancing toward the door. It would have been anyone: A doctor, a nurse, an intruder. But you were hopeful it would be the man that had already missed out on so much in the last day. You sat up on your knees and crawled to the end of the bed. The footsteps stopped for a moment and everything was quiet. You jaw hung opened as you waited for whoever it was to step inside, and when the door handle began to shake you squeezed your fingers tight around the footboard of the bed. The door slowly swung open, and you were faced with the exact person you had wanted to see from the very beginning.

“Kylo!” You shouted, swinging your legs over the side of the bed with very little thought of how much noise you were making. Kylo did nothing but stare at you with a lost, sad look on his face. That hardly mattered, because he was here. He was here and you’d have him all to yourself. He was here to take care of you and his daughter. He was here to finally meet Lucille, to hold her, to love her, to finally assume his role as her father. You ran into his arms, held onto his neck with all of your might and broke down into tears when he reciprocated your hug. You couldn’t believe he was here. You couldn’t believe he was yours. 

“Easy, easy.” He whispered, minding his sleeping baby no more than five feet away from you. You pulled away from him, placed your hands upon his face and noticed his eyes were welling with tears as well. “You just had a baby. You can’t do all that running around and getting worked up.” You drank in his look, and he was disheveled to high heaven. 

24 hours without a shower, without changing his clothes or having his face shaven. He went 24 hours without eating a meaningful meal, without brushing his teeth or taking his boots off or sleeping for all you knew. Large bags hung under his eyes and the corners of his chapped lips pointed down in a harsh frown. The man was ragged. While you had a team of people here to care for you all day and night in Kylo’s home, Kylo had no one. He had to fend for himself, and judging by the hefty growl coming from his stomach he hadn’t done that great of a job.

“You look awful.” You said to him, laughing away your tears as your loneliness faded away.

“You look…”He trailed off, and you fully expected him to poke fun at you and call you awful just as the two of you had done in the past. “...beautiful. As always.” He whispered back to you, and the two of you just stood there giggling at one another. 

“Can I, can I have a kiss please?” You asked, removing your arm from around his back and wiping your tears from your face. “I haven’t seen you in forever. I missed you, and--” You started to explain about how happy you were to have him back, but he cut you off by doing your bidding. His lips came to rest on yours, and you could almost feel the stress that had built up from the last day fall from his shoulders. You brought your arms around his neck and held him tight against you. You wanted to tell him so much, to beg him not to leave you like that ever again and tell him that you loved him, but something much different came from your mouth.

“Come on,” You said after he had pulled away from you. You took him by the hand, unwilling to let go in fear of having him leave you again, and began to lead him out into the hallway. “I think there’s one more sandwich left in the fridge. They brought them for me but you can have it if you’re hungry.” You had every intention to stay up with him while he ate, but you found that your plans were thwarted by him simply pulling you back into the bedroom.

“No, it’s fine.” He said, steering you toward the bed. “I want to rest.” You watched as he began to disrobe, discarding his clothing on the floor piece by piece until he got to his black underclothes. He stared off into space the entire time, not bothering to look at you. It was then you realized that he hadn’t acknowledged, or even looked at Lucille the entire time he was home. It took a lot to not get angry at him. You had to remember that there were hidden reasons why he was afraid of being too close to her. You closed your eyes, remembering that he had been off not taking care of himself. He didn’t need your attitude. He needed to meet his daughter.

“Do you want to see her?” You asked him, and he stopped unbuttoning his pants just to look at you curiously. “She’s beautiful. She looks exactly like you.” His eyes flickered to the small, clear bassinet for just a moment before cutting his eyes back to you. He looked reluctant, and for a moment you didn’t think he was going to oblige you. You whispered a quiet please to him, begging him to spend time with his own daughter. Your efforts paid off when, with his shirt in his hand he took the few steps over to the bassinet. You followed closely behind him as you watched his head fall to observe her as she lay fast asleep; blissfully unaware that there was a new person in her vicinity. 

“She was born around 1 pm yesterday. Seven pounds twelve ounces after ten hours of labor.” You caught yourself staring at Lucille instead of Kylo to gauge his reaction, and when you looked up to Kylo you were shocked to see that he was actually reaching down to touch her. His hand was shaking and you could have sworn you saw one tear drip down his face, and you couldn’t stop your smile from spreading across your face. You could see him struggling with his emotions yet again, trying to win the battle that raged inside him with his own fear. His other hand gripped his shirt tight, and just when you thought he would be making the first contact with his daughter, it all ended too quickly.

“She’s, obviously very busy.” He stated, stopping his hand just inches from her cherubic cheek. “I’ll greet her when she wakes up.” You tried to hide the disappointment on your face as he stepped away from the bassinet, to remind yourself that he had come back when you didn’t think he would. There would be plenty of time for them to bond later. For now, you had him and you had to cherish him.

He stood on his side of the bed unbuttoning his pants, not paying any attention to either you or Lucille. You couldn’t stand the awkward silence any longer. There was so much you wanted to tell him, but the thing that stuck out most in your mind was you wanted his input on her name.

“What do you think about the name Lucille?” You started the conversation, twisting your back and craning your neck to look at him. “I thought the name Lucille Eden was fitting. Lucille Eden Ren.” You smiled as you saw him stop undressing and lift his eyes to you. 

“Ren is a title. Not a last name.” He spoke, finally shimmying his pants down his legs. He sat down on the bed behind you, and this time you couldn’t keep your disappointment from showing. You sighed, peeked back down into the bassinet and watched as Lucille’s mouth opened and closed. It would seem she was dreaming about the food your body produced for, and again you found yourself throwing all thoughts of Kylo out of the window. Why should you have to worry about him when you had the most perfect gift sitting here next to you. You reached your hand in and pushed her hair back, causing it to stick up like static electricity ran through it. She was perfect, no matter what Kylo had to say. “But, but Lucille is gorgeous. It’s very fitting for a gorgeous little girl.” It seemed like he had recognized that what he said had brought you down, and that he was desperately trying to fix what he had broken. It was admirable, but you were still down. You knew he was going to want to sleep, so you began to lay yourself down. There was no use continuing the conversation when Kylo wasn’t ready. You were certain Lucille would be awake within the hour to eat, so the more rest you and Kylo got, the better. 

“Do you need anything?” He asked, still willing to take care of you. It was still a sweet gesture, the way he was looking out for you. You couldn’t deny him the one thing you needed:

“No, just you.” You smiled, and you could almost see his stone cold demeanor breaking. He positioned himself under the covers and then held his arm out to you, and you scooted into him without any second thought. You rested your head upon his shoulder and wrapped your arm around him, ravishing his body heat and basking in his admiration. This was the first adult you had contact with since your midwife left, and you wouldn’t have it be anyone but him. 

“I missed you.” He said, willing the light off with the Force and drowning all three of you in darkness. 

“We missed you too, Kylo.” You smiled against him as he squeezed you tight. Nothing else was said for the rest of the night, and you were content with having him hold you as wordlessly as he was.

As you had learned, motherhood meant your sleep had been cut down monumentally. You were only getting 30 minutes to an hour and a half of sleep between feedings, and that’s only if Lucille actually went to sleep right afterword. She, just like every other human being, needed company too, and often found solace by just sitting in your arms being doted upon by you. After Kylo returned home you thought for sure you wouldn’t be getting any more sleep once Lucille woke you up with her hungry whining.

You did wake up sometime later, but it wasn’t to her cries. Your breasts were heavy, filling and beginning to leak against your will. It was time to feed her, and from the state you were in it was likely way past time for her to get her next feeding. You sat up, realizing that Kylo had once again disappeared from bed. It saddened you, but you thought for sure he couldn’t have gone that far. The way he held you, the way he spoke to you, the way he kissed you. He couldn’t leave you again, you were sure he wouldn’t be able to leave you again.

What was troubling was when you sat up and reached into the bassinet to find it completely empty.

You gasped, threw yourself from the bed and immediately ran to the bathroom, just in case either one of them was hiding there. You threw on the light and were greeted with an empty space; no Kylo and no Lucille. The next place you checked was the closet, and you found neither of them in their either. You cried out, throwing your hands over your mouth and immediately letting your thoughts run wild. Kylo had told you he was afraid, that he wanted to destroy Lucille the day you found out you were pregnant. The only thing you could think of was that he had stolen her from you and was off to end her life. You felt like you couldn’t run fast enough as you threw the bedroom door open and sprinted down the hall, coming to a sliding stop at the top of the banister as you just barely heard Kylo speaking above the sound of your rapidly beating heart.

“No, please don’t cry.” You heard him coo. When you stopped to listen to what was going on, you could hear Lucille’s soft cries and she was a lot closer than you thought. You scanned the area below the steps, and you finally spied Kylo sitting on the floor against one of the large pillars. In his large hands he cradled Lucille, supporting her head and body as her feet sat on his abdomen. “There’s no reason to be afraid. I’m going to take care of you. I’m going to protect you, and your mother. Even if it kills me, I won’t let anyone take you away from me.” He cooed, and your heart melted right then and there on the steps as he lifted the infant to his face and placed a small kiss on her forehead. Lucille reacted by calming herself, by opening her eyes and looking lovingly at her father. It was such a touching scene, one that you thought you’d never see given Kylo’s reluctance. You were sure he didn’t want you to see him say such things to her, that’s why he had removed her from the bedroom. You didn’t know why he felt the need to hide, or why he decided to wait until you were asleep, but the fact of the matter was he did it. He had finally acknowledged Lucille’s existence, and he did it in the most loving way possible. You were finally beginning to feel like a family, and it was the best gift Kylo could have ever given you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had decided on the name Lucille Eden since like, the beginning of last year. I just now looked up the meaning of the two names and learned that it means "Light, perfect place." Lol. Very fitting for Kylo Ren's daughter if you ask me.


	8. Chapter 8

Kylo listened from the kitchen as the wails from his daughter were replaced with soft suckling noises, indicating that she was now being fed. He hadn’t gotten any sleep from the time he had turned the light out to the time he heard his daughter, Lucille, beginning to stir, and his woman had been fast asleep beside him the entire time. He knew she had worked hard, he knew she had been in more pain than he could imagine. He felt it. All of it. From the time her first contraction hit her to the time Lucille was actually born, every time he would reach out for her, he felt her agony. He wanted her to sleep, and he thought the best thing to do would be to give her a break. 

So he lifted his small daughter from her bassinet and carried her down to the foyer. He knew nothing about babies, couldn’t even guess why she was crying, but he took it as a cry for help. His daughter needed him, and even though he had never been more afraid of anything in his life, he held her close and sunk down against a pillar to try and address her needs. 

He watched as her angelic face turned red, watched as her mouth fell open and her shiny red gums were on full display. His mother had once told him that he was born with a full set of adult teeth, taking the entire galaxy by surprise. He had often laughed when he thought about this, but looking down at the infant he had created it only seemed like a detail that pushed the two of them apart. How could he raise this tiny, defenseless human being when he knew nothing about her? How could he protect her when there was a massive target on his back for the entire galaxy to see? He couldn’t even stop her from crying; how was he supposed to be a father when he was nothing short of clueless? He felt himself panicking, feeling the need to shout for her mother before he realized that part of his commitment to her was that he was going to try. He was a father now. Whether he liked it or not, Lucille needed him. He had to figure it out. He could not prove himself to be an even bigger coward.

“No, please don’t cry.” He whispered to her, and as if his voice was the softest of musical notes, Lucille began to calm. “There’s no reason to be afraid. I’m going to take care of you.” He cooed as her eyes began to open to him. It was like the day old infant was listening to him, could understand him in some way. He wondered if she had the Force, if that was at least one thing they could bond over. She opened her mouth and stuck her tongue out at him, cooing and chattering as he understood infants to do. He held her close to him, smiling as he realized that his attempts to console her were working. “I’m going to protect you, and your mother. Even if it kills me, I won’t let anyone take you away from me.” He promised her, taking solace in the way she simply blinked at him. This was his daughter. This was his little girl that now knew her father. There was no doubt in his mind that she belonged right here in his arms. 

He stepped around the couch and sat next to his family, handing the glass to his woman and watching as she took such a large sip. “Thank you,” She started, setting the glass down in the cup holder of his leather couch. “I get so thirsty when I do this. I really appreciate it.” She smiled at him, but he barely noticed as he looked down into her arms. He couldn’t stop from reaching down and smoothing Lucille’s hair, her head sitting like a small apple in his massive hands. Her eyes had already closed as she enjoyed her meal. He smiled, rubbing his thumb over her cheek. It was hard to be afraid when he was staring at something so precious.

“She’s perfect.” He said, taking a deep breath.

“Are you still scared?” His woman asked, just a hint of seriousness resting in her voice. He felt his mood beginning to tank, and tank rapidly. He was afraid of many things when it came to his daughter and her mother, but he didn’t want to think about his worries. He was content with simply sitting and enjoying them, his  _ family.  _ Sure there were questions she wanted and needed answers to, and there were questions he had to answer for himself as well. But now was not the time for those answers.

“I’m scared, but not right now.” He said, lifting his hand from Lucille’s face and draping his arm around her mother. “Right now, I have everything I need in my arms.” They both seem content with that answer, and he felt no need to push the conversation any further. Instead, he turned on the TV and changed it to her favorite show. He felt accomplished knowing that he was protecting and caring for them, and he thought this was the happiest he’d ever be. Maybe this whole fatherhood debacle wouldn’t be as difficult as he thought it would be. Maybe, if he could keep the attention away from his family, his life as a father would go much smoother than he thought it ever would.

_ “Did that midwife just say she was taking care of a  _ baby girl Ren  _ on the Supremacy?”  _

_ “I heard the Supreme Leader only allowed one baby to be born on his ship: his daughter.” _

_ “I think the Supreme Leader had a baby the other day.” _

_ “How could he have a child? He doesn’t have a wife or a girlfriend or anything like that!” _

_ “I heard Supreme Leader Ren has a baby in his quarters, and a woman he married in secrecy.” _

_ “I heard her mother is just a one night stand.” _

_ “He doesn’t even like kids. I bet it was a mistake.” _

_ “I heard it wasn’t conceived consensually.” _

_ “She’s probably a bastard that his girlfriend is passing off as his.” _

_ “It’s been a month and he hasn’t said anything. He’s hiding a baby behind those doors, I know it.” _

The first month of fatherhood was definitely a time for learning. Kylo spent many nights up with his woman, helping with feeding, burping, and changing their daughter. He could tell early on that Lucille often favored her mother over him, but he tried not to take it too personally. She had carried Lucille for nine whole months, spent more time with her than Kylo ever had, and she fed from her for her every meal. It was no wonder Lucille loved her mother so much. Kylo was there to pick up the slack whenever he could. 

He watched as his daughter gained weight, grew even more hair than he thought was possible. He was undressing her for a bath when her umbilical cord came loose from her body. He gasped, thinking he had hurt her, only to have her mother laugh at him and take the browned, crusted stump from his fingers and assure him it was completely normal. He had rocked Lucille as she screamed and cried until she was hoarse and her face was permanently red for hours, desperately patting her back to try and rid her of her gas, been covered in spit-up, drool, and her other bodily fluids that he never expected to be covered in, and he enjoyed every second of it. 

Probably the proudest moment was when he witnessed her pick her head up while she was on her belly during tummy time. Kylo had been keeping her company while her mother spent some time alone after dinner, and when he saw her do something he had never seen, he was quick to snap a picture with his tablet. He smiled as looked at the photo of his beautiful daughter, so strong at only one month old to be holding her head up. It was something he thought he heard her mother tell him to look out for, and here it was actually happening. He was so enthralled at the sight of his curious daughter, looking directly at the camera with her large, blue eyes that he found himself staring lovingly into every day. It was the most wonderful picture he had ever taken, and he felt compelled to make it his home screen. He wished he could make it his lock screen as well, but should he misplaced his datapad, or if some nosey workmate happened to activate his tablet without him looking, his daughter would be exposed and his worst fears may come true. It was fine to be on his home screen, and in no time did he have it set the way he wanted it. After word he carefully scooped his daughter into his arms and began carrying her up the stairs. 

“She did it.” He said, bursting into his study room to find his woman sitting curled up in her favorite chair with a book he swore he’s seen her read once before. She peeked at him from above the top of her book, looking rather confused. “The thing, with her head. She held her head up while she was on her belly.” He watched as she smiled at him, stood to her feet and then waltzed over to him.

“Did Lucy hold her head up all by herself?” She said, taking her from his arms and cuddling her as she always did. Kylo loved the way Lucille’s face would light up when her mother would walk into the room, the way she’d flail her limbs and open her mouth as if she were trying to smile. It was something he always looked forward to seeing, and a joy he had added to his list of fatherhood to remind himself that Lucy was meant to be with him.

“I got a picture, see?” He said, reaching to his belt and pulling out his tablet. He pulled up his gallery, only filled with the one photo of Lucy and the rest other random photos he had taken throughout the years. He was never a photo taker, and the closer he grew to his daughter he more he regretted this. He wished he had more photos of Lucy to look at when he had free time, more photos to share with her mother when she was away having time to herself. As he watched her face light at the sight of their daughter on the screen, he made a silent promise to her and to himself that he’d take more pictures. Lucy wouldn’t remain a baby forever, and he wanted to make sure he could remember these sweet moments with her.

“Look at her. Lookin’ like her daddy.” She joked, moving past Kylo and down the hall to the bedroom. “I think we’re going to have a nap. I’m tired.” She announced, and to Kylo that sounded wonderful. 

“I’d join you, but the General has called a meeting in his office.” He rolled his eyes. Leave it to Hux to call an entire meeting and take him away from his family, even though Hux hadn’t the slightest clue about his family. 

“That’s always fun.” She said, walking up to him and standing on the tips of her toes. Kylo happily accepted her kiss, wrapping his arms around her and reciprocating. He was sure to leave one on Lucy’s forehead as well, making sure she didn’t feel left out. “Be safe. I don’t trust that guy any further than I can throw him.” He laughed at her and her silliness. One month in and he finally felt like she was returning to how she was when she first came to live with him. 

“Thank you, love.” He said before turning and heading down the hall. The two most important women in his life were about to have a nap while he went off to provide for them. He felt like this was exactly the way his life was supposed to be.

Kylo was as upbeat as he could have been when he entered the office spaces that technically belonged to both him and Hux. He never spent any time back here, only Hux because he was a very punctual man that had a lot of paperwork to deal with for some reason. Most of the time Kylo’s paperwork came directly to him, he didn’t have to come here to retrieve it like Hux preferred. Today, Hux was summoning Ren into the office he kept on the Supremacy, and Kylo was sure whatever he had to say would not be pleasant for him.

“Welcome Ren,” Hux greeted him. He had the same shit eating grin on his face every time he had news that would make Kylo angry or uncomfortable. “I’m glad you’ve actually answered my calls this time.” He jabbed at him, but Ren wasn’t having it. 

“Tell me what you need, Hux.” Ren demanded, wishing he could be back at home with his family. 

“Oh, I intend to.” Hux spoke, pulling a deep pink card from his pocket. “Let’s make this short, because I believe you owe me an explanation about this.” He held the card out to Ren, but Kylo was stumped. It had been torn open and it looked like the card had already been opened and read by someone, most likely Hux. Kylo had no answers, but wanted this meeting to be finished as quickly as possible so he, reluctantly, took the card from Hux’s hand and began to disassemble it. By the time he had everything out and unfolded his blood ran cold in his veins.

The front of the card featured a pink and brown teddy bear holding a pink balloon, and the text next to it read “It’s a girl!” 

_ Congratulations on your new baby girl, Supreme Leader and Lady Ren! _

There was only the handwritten text inside of it, and it was signed by every one of the secretaries that worked in this section of the Supremacy. Kylo had no words, could only sit there and shake as he read over the line repeatedly. This was perhaps his greatest fear finally come to life before his very eyes. There were a group of people, including Hux whom he considered to be an enemy more than an ally, that knew about his daughter and her mother. This was his fear from the very beginning. While she was pregnant he begged her not to greet him at the door, he made her medical staff all sign nondisclosure agreements so that they’d not talk about his baby, and when she handed him the newborn paperwork to fill out on his end he told her it wasn’t necessary before ripping it in the smallest of pieces and scattering them in every trashcan around him home. He wanted no one to know about his most prized possessions. Now that word had gotten out his greatest of enemies instantly had two new targets. Two new people to kidnap if they wanted to get to him. Two new people to  _ kill  _ if they wanted their revenge. Kylo broke out in a sweat, rapidly tried to stop the lump from swelling in his throat as he turned to simply leave, but of course Hux wouldn’t allow him to leave without a fight.

“Word on the street is you’re harboring a woman and an infant in your quarters.” Hux said, reaching over and shutting the door behind Ren. He was trapped, unable to leave now that he was cornered. He looked up at Hux who was still smiling devilishly at him, knowing he had Ren right here he needed him to be. “Per your rules, Ren, children are not permitted on the Supremacy, and neither are hostages that you force to give birth to your spawn.” Ren takes immediate offense to his statement. She was not a hostage and neither was Lucy. Both of them were here willingly and didn’t want to leave. Since the day he moved her in with him he had always been careful about her presence. He wanted no one to find out about his best kept secret relationship. He didn’t want anyone to take her away, or come between the two of them, so he hid her. He hid her and he hid his daughter away from the rest of the First Order to keep them safe, and he didn’t know what to do now that his secret had been exposed. 

“I expect all members of the Order to be registered, Ren. If you’ve got someone, or multiple someones, hiding in your quarters, they need to be registered and employed.” Hux stepped up closer to Ren, nearly pressing his body into Ren’s chest and making him massively uncomfortable. “We don’t keep slaves in  _ my  _ organization. Ren.” At the word “slave,” Kylo lost control. In a rage he placed his hand upon Hux’s chest and sent the man flying across his office, into his desk where he landed in a mess of his own paperwork. 

“Nobody exists in my home except for myself, you cretin.” Kylo said, deciding right then and there that the conversation was over. He was losing his mind, fighting back his tears and needed the safety of his family to comfort him. 

“Don’t let romance destroy you, Ren.” Hux called out after him as he opened the door and walked out into the hall. “I can arrange to have the same thing that happened to Fleur happen to  _ them  _ if love repeatedly clouds your judgment, if you didn’t learn the first time Snoke had to set you straight!” The door slammed shut just as Hux ended his sentence, and just like that it felt like Kylo’s world came to an end. He stands out in the open, all kinds of eyes on him as he’s just seconds away from a break down. He couldn’t do it here. He had to be alone before his could openly worry about the safety of his family.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This fic is already longer than I anticipated. I originally planned maybe 5 chapters at the most and now we're already at 10. Kylo's emotions have gone deeper than I originally wanted them to, and I love the way he's learning and growing with his new responsibilities. And the way he overcomes his fears. Just wait and see.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content warning: Past abuse, PTSD and panic attacks.

Kylo tried to keep himself together as he dashed away from the offices and sped-walked down the hall, trying to keep the illusion that he was calm and collected. He didn’t know how good of a job he was doing, given the fact that his breathing was not under control and he was practically pushing people out of his way the entire time he was all but barreling down the hall. The threat, although coming from the General that was below him, was all too real. He knew a threat to his and his family's safety could come from anyone, and he knew Hux was sly enough to do such a disturbing thing. His thoughts were unrestrained as he barged into a bathroom and locked the door with the Force. He was alone. He was afraid. He was vulnerable. 

Hux wanted his throne and he had just threatened the lives of the people that meant the most to Kylo. It didn’t take a genius to put two and two together and come up with the conclusion that, in order to get what he wants, Hux could potentially eliminate Kylo’s family. All because someone ran their mouth when Kylo demanded that the birth of his child were to remain a secret. His greatest fear had officially come true only a month after Lucille was born. This was why he fought himself on bringing the girl home with him in the first place. This is why he didn’t want his daughter to be born. This is why he didn’t want to be a father. This is exactly why he didn’t want to bring a child into the world. Because now he would no longer be the most wanted person in the galaxy. His enemies would hit him where it hurts, his enemies would bypass him and go straight to his daughter and her mother in order to hurt him. It’s exactly what Snoke did years ago to ignite his anger and hatred, to train him to be a better ruler. It was a feeling he never wanted to experience ever again.

“Fleur...Fleur!” He cried out in agony, finally starting to choke up. She was dead because of him. She was killed with Kylo’s own saber, with his own hand under the influence of Snoke because he felt Kylo was too “soft.” Too “distracted.” Too “happy.” Snoke thought Kylo was unable to fulfill his destiny that his grandfather had set up for him, all because of Fleur, the little woman from the bar onboard the Finalizer that Kylo fell in love with. Snoke then forced Kylo to carry her body to the incinerator, then he had to watch as she turned into ash and dust. 

“You will not be swayed by the light again. Am I clear?” Snoke whispered in his ear, placing his hand upon his shoulder. He stared at the distorted reflection of his master in the incinerator, and Kylo realized that Snoke had won. He was consumed by his rage and hatred, just as Snoke intended. Kylo shook as his uncontrollable emotions began to take over, and when the tears slipped down his face it only took a second before Snoke had backhanded him so hard he went flying across the room, hitting the wall with a bone-chilling thud. Kylo was hurting physically now, but the emotional turmoil he was facing hurt more than anything. 

He could hear Snoke’s footsteps advancing toward him, and he would have done anything to just simply disappear. This had been his life ever since he agreed to be trained under Snoke. He always had the power. He always had the drive to make Kylo as miserable as he possibly could.  _ Let the hate flow through you.  _ He would say to him, and he would continue to bring Kylo down as far as he possibly could.

“Tears. You are weak. Just like the Skywalker you are.” Snoke said, placing the tip of his boot upon Kylo’s face and smearing his tears away while depositing dirt and dust upon his cheek. “There is no room for romance in your path to greatness. You’ll thank me when you’ve fulfilled your destiny. Just as Vader intended.” Snoke sneered, removing his boot from his face so quickly that Kylo flinched. Kylo watched as Snoke simply disappeared, leaving him alone with the hellish machine that rumbled off in the distance. Kylo knew no better. He trusted that Snoke really did had his best intentions in mind, and over the next few years he actually convinced himself that loving Fleur was wrong. His end goal, to rule the entire galaxy, left no room for love. He had been a fool to believe he could share the glory with anyone.

At least until he killed Snoke upon his throne. Then he felt he thought he had found his freedom.

But Snoke had drilled fear into his head. He was afraid to love, afraid to get close to anyone because he felt Snoke was standing just behind him, preparing to kill the ones he favored just to keep his hatred fueling him. Kylo had been scarred for life, haunted by a dead man. It left him feeling lonely, exhausted, and still not in control even though he had crowned himself Supreme Leader. Kylo felt unsafe in his own skin, and when  _ she  _ came walking right up to his doorstep Kylo thought it would be an easy chance to work himself out of this rut, this irrational fear of commitment he had developed thanks to his old master.

He had his fun with her. He fucked her. He laughed with her. He danced with her. He brought her into his home, and he never expected to care so much about her, or the child that the two of them created. He almost wanted to say he loved her, and his daughter even more. But even the word love made him heave there over the sink. He loved Fleur, took every opportunity to profess his love to and about her, and she was reduced to just dust floating in space because of his love. He couldn’t love them. He didn’t think he’d be able to take being responsible for their deaths, all because he loved them.

He lifted his head and looked into the mirror, at the broken reflection of himself. He hated himself. He hated Snoke. He hated Fleur, and he only saw one way out of this:

He had to kill them.

_ Let the hate flow through you.  _

Kylo blinked, and the image of Snoke now stared back at him in the mirror. He was becoming the person that had broken him, and that scared him far more than anything.

He wound his arm back and unleashed his hatred against the mirror, shattering the glass and allowing it to fall all around him. It shocked him enough to allow him to regroup, to come back to reality and see himself for who he really was. He was Kylo Ren. He was a father, a provider, a lover, a giver, among everything else. He was a human, a man with emotions that deserved his peace, that deserved his family and everything they provided him. He still had his fears of losing his family, but he had to think logically and rationally. He had to protect them, protect him from the threat that was bestowed upon him by Hux. He had to tighten the reins and hide them for their own safety and his peace of mind. Hux still had no concrete evidence that they existed, and Kylo intended to keep it that way.

\--

Your nap with Lucy had fallen through as she refused to shut her eyes. Story of your life. It had been a month and you still weren’t used to not sleeping as much as you had before. Instead you carried her downstairs and set yourselves up on the couch to read her a book Kylo had brought home some time ago. It was a simple book about saying goodnight before bed.

“Good night stars, and the red balloon. Goodnight kittens, goodnight mittens.” You read to her as she sat there, eyes glued to the book as her uncontrolled fists came to rest on them. You were sure she couldn’t understand you or the story you had read her at least once a day now, but what did it matter? You thought reading to her early would do more good than harm, and so you tried to make a ritual out of it. As she babbled there in your lap, kicked her feet back and forth as you read the book in your most sing-song voice, you couldn’t help but to count yourself as the luckiest girl in the world. Since Kylo came back to you the night Lucy was born, everything had gone so well. You had his help and support, and he adored Lucille. You could tell she was the light of his life, the way he’d look at her, kiss her, rock her, and spend time with her. You watched him change from a fearful man to a devoted father. It was a wonderful transition to witness, but it still killed you that he had never told you or Lucille that he loved you. 

It was quiet as you continued to read to Lucy, until the doors opened and in walked Kylo himself. “Welcome home.” You shouted, cutting Lucille’s story short to go visit her dad. You carried her throughout the house to meet him in the foyer when you found yourself coming to a screeching halt, almost running headfirst into Kylo and squishing Lucy in between you two. “Woah, hello.” You said, still in shock and stepping away from him. You smiled, but found that Kylo was a completely different story. 

He was out of breath, sweating as if he had run all the way home from the General’s office. He looked crazed, his eyes wide like he could see right through you and his mouth hung agape. He whispered your name, reaching up and gripping your elbows to pull you closer to him. Your head bobbed as you held on tight to Lucy, worried that Kylo had lost his mind and was about to hurt either one of you, or that he was about to deliver some horrendously bad news. “Is everything okay?” You asked. Perhaps his meeting had gone awry and he was having to send you away, back to where you came from with your daughter on your back. It was a scary thought, and just having Kylo stand there hyperventilating in front of you wasn’t helping your fears. 

“You, you. Everything about you,” He said, releasing on of your arms in favor of running his hand down your face. “Lucille, my daughter, my everything.” He whispered desperately. He was shaking, and you worried he was overworking himself, about to pass out or die there at your feet. 

“Kylo, you’re scaring me!” You begged, ripping yourself and Lucille from his grasp. You had only ever seen him this worked up once, and that was the day you found out you were pregnant. The day Kylo smiled amusingly to your face as he told you his plans to have your baby aborted. You stood as tall and brave as you could, ready to slap him back into reality as you have before. He wasn’t speaking coherently and wasn’t making any sense. You felt that both your life and Lucille’s life were in grave danger. “Please, tell me what’s going on!” You begged, and from the way he stopped and composed himself, all while refusing to remove his eyes from yours, you thought he had finally snapped out of the mania he was in.

“Have I ever told you,” He took a deep breath, swallowed heavily and began to blink away his tears. “That I, I…” You shook your head at him as Lucille stared open-mouthed and curious at the sight before her; she did her best to extend her uncontrolled limbs toward Kylo. The infant broke the ominous silence with a happy howl before Kylo had a chance, expressing her excitement for her father in the only way she knew how. Kylo looked down to her, took her little cheeks in his massive hands and stared down lovingly at her; a sight that you were used to by now. The two of them stared at each other, and you were completely out of the loop until Kylo uttered his confession under his breath.

“That I  _ love  _ you?” He ended his question, and you were so shocked that you stumbled backward away from him. 

“That you what?” You had to hear it again. You didn’t believe what your ears had relayed to you. You didn’t believe that you’d ever hear Kylo say those words at all. Kylo had loved you with his body, his actions, and his caring nature, but you had just begun to get over the fact that you’d probably never hear him say the actual words.

“I haven’t ever said it. That I  _ love  _ you.” He said, reaching into your arms and taking Lucy from you. He cradled her in his strong arms, looking down at his entire world. You ran up to him, placing your hands on his arms and feeing yourself becoming overly excited as well. 

“You really mean it?” You asked him as he began to rock and bounce Lucy, happy to entertain her stellar mood. “I mean, I’ve always thought you loved us, because of all you’ve done. I just, I didn’t think I’d ever hear you say it.” Your happiness had gone through the roof, and you felt like you could finally admit that you felt the same to him. “I love you, so much Kylo. You had no idea how much it means to me to hear you say it!”

“No, no he’s not here. He’s dead. He can’t hold it over my head anymore.” Kylo mumbled, and your mood instantly changed. No longer was it a touching moment, but you had something new to worry about. 

“What? What are you talking about?” You asked him, starting to panic once again. 

“Snoke. He’s dead. He can’t stop me from loving you anymore.” You blinked. Snoke. The name sounded vaguely familiar but you couldn’t place it. “I love you. I know I love you, and I have to protect you.” He said, mumbling over and over. “I won’t let anyone take you from me. Not Snoke, not Hux, no one.” It would seem Kylo had worked himself into yet another craze, speaking about scary situations and about people you didn’t know. There was only one way you could calm him down and bring him back to where he needed to be, and that was to be a comfort to him. You walked up to him as he rocked Lucy around the room, placed your arms around him and hugged him as tight as you could.

“I know you’ll protect us.” You said, pressing your face into his chest. “I trust that you won’t let anyone take us away. We’re a family now. Lucy needs her father and I need you.” You smiled, could see him visibly relaxing as you spoke rationally to him. It was true, Lucille needed Kylo and so did you. You didn’t think you could survive without him, didn’t think you could raise Lucy by yourself. You had no one, only Kylo and Lucille. You enjoyed your time with Kylo; the way he’d kiss you, the way he’d hold you, the way he’d dote on Lucille when you couldn’t. His gentle, loving and nurturing nature had drawn you in instantly, and if you were to be forcibly separated from him you were sure it would cause both of you so much agony. You picked your head up and looked at him as he looked down at Lucy. It was clear your words had calmed him, and he was returning back to his relaxed demeanor. 

“I’ll do everything I can.” He said with a heavy sigh, closing his eyes and lifting Lucille to his face to plant a sweet kiss on her forehead. “I love you, and I love her. I won’t let anyone hurt you.” You smiled at him, thinking he was now at a point where you could advance your worries even further. 

“What are we in danger of, Kylo?” You asked as innocently as you could. On the inside you were borderline panicking, reacting to Kylo’s fear as calmly as you could. What was he having to protect you from? Who or what was going to hurt you, and why had he just gone on and on about Snoke if the man was dead and couldn’t stop him from loving you anymore? Did he just kill someone, this Snoke person perhaps? Was someone coming to retaliate against him now? You shook, hugging him tighter to keep you rational as well. Kylo had been your rock for nearly two years now. He had kept you safe this entire time and you had no doubt he would continue to provide for you. You just wanted to know what he was protecting you from if it had him so worked up.

Kylo was quiet, you were quiet, and Lucille was quiet. You flashed your eyes from Lucy to him and found him shaking once again, clenching his jaw and keeping his eyes wide open. You had scared him again, and you were afraid that this would be the time where he lashed out. “Oh, Kylo, I’m sorry, I--” You started, but were quickly cut off by his answer.

“Myself.” He whispered, and you were thoroughly confused. 

“Yourself?” You asked, trying to clarify that that was, indeed, what he said. “How are we in danger of you?” He once again let out a sigh, turned and began to hand Lucy back to you. You accepted her with no problems, then watched as he sulked away, back toward the door where he had come from. “Kylo, wait!” You called out, rushing after him and adjusting Lucy over your shoulder. “You can’t, you can’t just say something like that and just leave us!” You begged him to stay, but as soon as you reached the edge of the living room it was as if you had hit an invisible wall. Kylo kept walking as he caged you and your daughter, and you were livid. 

“She has a pediatrician coming tomorrow, right?” He asked, his voice full of defeat and sadness. You were astounded that he had flipped the conversation so suddenly and at the most inopportune time. You grew anxious as you pressed against the barrier, and as you screamed at him to let you go Lucy began to cry and squirm. You were irritating her and she didn’t know what was going on either, and yet Kylo had begun walking away.

“Kylo, please come back and talk to me!” You cried, thinking this interaction had gone from one of the best days with Kylo you had in a while to one of the worst. How could he have gone from finally admitting his love to locking you behind a wall as he sulked away? How could he tell you that you were in danger of him and not give you any other details? It was nerve-wracking, and the only thing you wanted at the moment was him. Him in his normal state of mind, him and his love for you and his daughter. But you weren’t getting him. Because the barrier only disappeared when you heard the two blaster doors open and shut. With a screaming, terrified infant thrown over your shoulder you sped walked into the foyer to find it empty. Kylo had left you again, and, given the interaction you had shared with him earlier, you really didn’t know if he was going to come back to you.


	10. Chapter 10

For the rest of the afternoon you sat on the floor with Lucy in the living room, going over each and every word Kylo had said to you that day. Lucy oohed and aahed over the few toys that you waved in front of her face, the few toys that Kylo had sent home for her. A small dragon rattle, a porg plushie, a medium sized purple bouncy ball, and three different books that you read to her every day. You thought she needed more, along with more clothes than the five onesies and three footie pajamas you had been given when she was born. You meant to ask Kylo about these things today since she was growing so quickly, but understandably you had more to worry about now. You dropped the rattle and took her little ankles into your hands as you once again went over the conversation in your mind, peddling her legs as you tried to make sense of what he said. Love. Death. Fear. Danger. All amongst panic and uncertainty. You didn’t understand what Kylo’s issue was. You just wished with all of your might that he would open up to you and let you help him.

Lucille squealed on the floor there in front of you, directing your attention to her instead of your sad thoughts. She held her arms out to you as you let go of her legs, opened and closed her mouth like she was trying to laugh and smile at you. She was so precious, so innocent during this war between you and her father. You felt like you were doing her a disservice being so down. Kylo could be your rock, but you were her rock and you had to be there for her. 

“What’s the matter, cutie?” You asked her, leaning down and placing a kiss upon her little nose. “You heard your daddy. He said he was going to take care of you.” You tried to make that your main focus, that he loved the two of you and he wanted to keep you safe, but couldn’t get past the fact that he wanted to keep you safe from  _ himself.  _ What did that even mean? You had no answers and it was stressing you out, and you didn’t know where to go from here. You scooped her up from the floor and began to carry her up the stairs. Perhaps now she would be up to sleeping, because that’s all you felt like you could do at the moment. 

You thought rolling Lucy up and down the upstairs halls in her newborn bassinet would yield the nap you were looking for. Using the black blanket from her birthday you swaddled her tight just as she liked it, then gently placed her down into her bassinet. She whined, knowing that when she was placed in her enclosure that meant she had to sleep, but you didn’t care. You were exhausted and needed to rest. “I know, pretty girl.” You said, slipping her hat over her precious little head. “But we both need a nap. You’ll feel better when you wake up, I promise.” She continued to wail, to ignore you by closing her eyes and trying to break free from her restraints. “Here, your mommy will push you around just like you like. You’ll be asleep in no time.” You said, unlocking the wheels and beginning to push her out of the bedroom. 

She finally began to calm as you began your daily ritual of rolling her throughout the halls. Her eyes drooped and you smiled down at her, sweeping your eyes up and down her swaddled body. Your smile quickly began to fade as you realized something was amiss, something that you had no control over, yet something that you should have expected to happen sooner or later. Lucy was beginning to outgrow her bassinet, and she’d have nowhere to sleep when she was too big for it. You grimaced at the discovery. These things were made for newborns, not for Lucy who was growing just fine. Just as Lucy’s eyes had shut for good you decided this would be something you’d need to bring up with Kylo, no matter what kind of mood he was in. You stopped for a minute just to be sure she would stay asleep, and when she lay still and breathing evenly you turned the bassinet around and carted her back to your room. You pushed her next to your side of the bed and squat down in order to pull the box of trinkets your medical team had given you when Lucy was born. This box held her bath essentials as well as diapers, wipes, a comb, and brush, among a few other bits and pieces. She never took a pacifier so you stored them here, and the sucking bulb didn’t get used so you stored it there as well. You figured she would need a bath and some clean clothes when she woke up, so you opted to get everything ready before you had to do it with a crying baby in your arms.

You pulled the box out next to her bassinet, lifted the top opened and found yet another devastating discovery: You had, at best, two days worth of diapers left. You clenched your teeth, bit back the urge to scream as you once again started to panic. What were you supposed to do when you ran out of diapers? She was only a month old, it wasn’t as if you could toilet train her. You stood, gripped the blanket in your hand as you tried to calm yourself. There was no reason for all of this. Kylo told you he’d take care of you and Lucille. He had to make some kind of arrangement for the two of you.

When Kylo returned home that night you decided not to bring up the conversation the two of you had that day. Instead you simply sat across the table from him, intently listening to him as he went on and on about his day. Whenever you ate, Lucille felt like she had to eat too. So as Kylo spoke about the raids taking place on other planets, you had her cradled in one arm as she nursed happily from you with your other feeding yourself. Kylo seemed like he had made a full recovery from the emotional outburst he had with you earlier that day, and when there was a lull in conversation you decided to bring up your worries. 

“I have some fairly bad news.” You said, placing your fork down next to your plate. Kylo took a swing of his wine, staring at you over the rim of his glass. For some reason, you were nervous. What if he told you no? What if this was the deciding factor that made him want to give your daughter away. Like a dog he wasn’t able to properly take care of, he’d simply rehome her. You adjusted her in your arms, trying your hardest to avoid a bite and pulling at your nipple. It made you feel safe to hold her so tight, even when Kylo began to speak softly to you.

“What’s the matter?” He asked, setting the glass down gently.

“Well, for one we’re almost out of diapers.” You said, looking down at Lucille as she began to drift to sleep in your arms. “I think that’s the most pressing issue. And she’s getting big. Too big for her bassinet. I think she’s going to need a crib soon.” Kylo just stared at you as if he were confused, like he didn’t know diapers didn’t magically materialize in that box and that his daughter was a growing girl. When he didn’t respond you picked up your water and took a swing, indicating you were finished talking and it was now his turn. He had to have some solution to these issues, and sitting here staring at you wasn’t it.

“Oh.” He said, turning back to his food and pushing it absentmindedly around his plate.  _ Oh?  _ Was that really all he had to say? 

“Do you think you could have a crib and some diapers delivered for her?” You pushed the conversation forward when Kylo wasn’t willing to. He was still quiet, unwilling to look at you. You couldn’t stand his ignoring you when this was becoming a dire situation, could feel yourself becoming heated fairly quickly. “Kylo?” You bugged him, only to have him hold his hand up to stop you from talking.

“I’m thinking.” He stated simply. 

“Thinking?” You asked, scooting your chair forward a little bit more. “What’s there to think about? It can’t possibly be that hard to bring another box of diapers and a crib to the house.” You asked, being 100 percent genuine. He promised you. He promised he’d take care of you. He didn’t have the option to think about if he were going to oblige you or not when these were necessities

“You’d be surprised.” He said and, from the tone of his voice, you could tell he was becoming irritated at you. You instantly became defensive, wanting to argue the point further that your daughter had needs and she wasn’t just a toy to be cared for when he felt like it, but before you could object he continued his response. “I’ll come up with something for you.” He said, before standing and wandering into the kitchen. You heard him opening the fridge and rummaging about inside of it. You began picking over your food again, lifting the small cuts of meat to your mouth and trying to fan out the flames inside of you. Kylo told you he’d figure something out. He would take care of you. There was no reason to be so angry. He was the one who ran this ship and you had no idea what troubles he faced. You had to trust him, trust that he’d overcome any hurdle he faced to ensure Lucille was taken care of.

Your answer to the question about the crib came early the next morning. Lucille’s crying woke you as usual, but when you hoisted her into bed to feed her a loud, harsh, banging noise came from down the hall. Both you and Lucy jumped, and your mind immediately went to the worst conclusion. The bed next to you was empty, meaning Kylo had gone to work and you were alone. The noise shook you so much that you were convinced right away that someone was breaking into your home. You quickly latched Lucille to your breast to keep her quiet and reached for the datapad on your side of the bed to contact Kylo, to tell him you had heard a strange noise and you were afraid, but another peculiar sound stopped you cold in your tracks

“ _ Ah, shit!” _

The voice sounded off nearby, and the banging noise stopped right away. Lucille stared up at you, her innocent eyes seeking answers that you didn’t have for her. It sounded like Kylo, but it couldn’t have been. You stole a look at the clock next to your bed and saw it was 9:30 AM, meaning Kylo would have had to leave for work two hours ago. You were intrigued, and with your daughter held tight at your side you got up to go investigate. 

Your bedroom door was shut, something Kylo never did before he left in the morning. You opened it quietly, took a look down the hall and once again jumped as the banging noises came through much louder and clearer. It sounded as if he were hammering wood, and it was coming from his secondary study, or the office room he told you he never used. It was only three doors down from the bedroom, and you decided that your morbid curiosity was getting the better of you. Was it Kylo? Was it not? Was it an intruder breaking into your home from the other side of the wall? There was only one way to find out. You tiptoed quietly to the door, pushed it open as slowly as you could and were met with the sight of Kylo’s thick black hair. He was on his knees facing away from you, holding two pieces of wood together and, as you guessed, was hammering them. He was building something, and with only wooden planks strewn about the floor you had no idea what it was. You saw he had moved his desk to one wall and his cabinet to the other, making an empty space for the piece of furniture that he was putting together. You were clueless for a second, but when it hit you that he was building a crib for Lucille you were astounded.

You waded in amongst the faint smell of sweat and fresh wood, and as you got closer Kylo set his tools down and lifted a cloth to his face. “Good morning, girls.” He said, finally turning around and looking at you over his shoulder. From what you could see, his face was bright pink and he looked exhausted. Even though he hadn’t gotten a whole lot put together, you’d imagine having to haul the wooden planks throughout his home, up the stairs, and down the hall, all without managing to wake either you or Lucy up, could have caused him to lose steam. Nevertheless, you couldn’t put your thankfulness into words. You simply stepped up to him smiling, then laughed as he apologized for shouting obscenities because he had accidentally banged his thumb. 

“Are you building her a crib?” You asked him as he picked up another nail and lined it with the same piece of wood he had been hammering. 

“Yeah.” He stated simply. “You said she needed a crib, so I’m building her a crib.” He said, sounding out of breath. He seemed distant, but you recognized it as him just being tired. He probably had to wake up way earlier than you to feed himself and get everything put together. He probably needed a break.

“You’re amazing.” You said, leaning down and kissing his cheek. “I love you.”

“I love you too.” He said, brushing his hair out of his face and reaching for his hammer. 

“We’ll be downstairs, let us know if you need anything.” You offered before heading out of his old office and into the hall. You chastised yourself for ever doubting the amazing partner and father you had by your side. Again, he was going to take care of you, and he was going to do so even if it killed him.

\--

Lucille’s crib took the rest of the morning and well into the afternoon for Kylo to finish. It wasn’t perfect, and it wasn’t at all what he imagined in his head, but it would get the job done. He had undressed down to just sweat pants halfway through the build, and joined his family for grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup for lunch to get a break, but by the time her crib was done he was feeling excessively proud of himself.

It wasn’t a crib, as in it wasn’t delivered to his home with the intention to be turned into a crib. Kylo couldn’t just send out for a crib building kit; that would have given his daughter away to everyone assigned to delivery services. With rumors already floating around the Supremacy, Kylo couldn’t take that risk. So after his family went to bed he researched. He spent at least an hour typing away on his tablet looking up how many pieces of wood he’d need to build one by hand, drafted a blueprint and decided to order the tools necessary to build one. They showed up right on time the next morning, 7 AM on the dot, and with his family asleep he didn’t have to worry about someone peeking inside and seeing them. He elected to haul them upstairs himself, he elected to build it himself, and when he was finished it looked like a cozy place to sleep. 

The base dropped just like a regular crib, so he and his woman wouldn’t have to break their backs taking Lucy out and putting her back in, and when she grew old enough she wouldn’t be able to throw her foot over the side and escape. He gathered up some old. thick blankets and padded them down, then wrapped one of his fitted sheets around it to keep them all together. He had been told that having extra blankets and pillows in a crib was very dangerous, so he made the makeshift mattress as firm as possible. When he was satisfied he went to retrieve his daughter from the living room and took her into what he planned on making her own room and lay her down into her new bed. She squirmed, she cried, and she did her best to reach for him, but Kylo wanted to see how well she looked in his creation. He smiled, shushing her in an effort to calm her and placed his hand upon her head. Her mother wasn’t too far behind him, reaching around his body and hugging him from behind.

“She doesn’t seem to like it, but I do.” He could feel her smile on his arm as they both looked on at their noisy, clingy daughter. “Thank you, I really appreciate it.” She whispered, but he couldn’t keep his eyes from Lucille. Her body barely sank down into the blankets and she had plenty of room to grow. This was his little girl, his heart, his princess, his  _ everything.  _ He was happy to make her a space of her very own. 

“Next step, diapers.” He said, his relaxed mood quickly boiling down to the stress that had been within him since last night. She squeezed him tight, placing a kiss on his bare shoulder and assured him that she trusted him. He loved her. She was everything he needed.

After dinner was delivered and his family ate happily with one another, Kylo decided to step out and clear his head, run ideas back and forth and weigh all of his options. His daughter needed diapers, she needed more clothing and more toys. She was growing faster than he anticipated, and he had to meet her growth with his own.

He couldn’t just put in an order for some cute baby girl clothes, or diapers, wipes, baby bottles, or toys for the same reason as the crib. It would make it obvious he had a child he was hiding away, and should Hux catch wind of this he was sure his family would be in danger. He and Hux hated each other, but he knew Hux wouldn’t search his home without reasonable evidence that there were two undocumented people hiding in his home. It was the law within the Order, and if there was one person who abided by the laws he created, it was Hux. He had to be careful from here on out; Kylo couldn’t bear the loss of his family.

Lots of silly ideas came to his mind. He could learn how to sew and create clothing for Lucy, but that task seemed like more trouble than it was worth. He could Modify his clothes (That his woman wore as well) to fit Lucille as she grew, but again that seemed like trouble. There had to have been an easier way, one that wouldn’t lift any red flags or bring any unwanted attention to his home. Kylo was stumped. He needed more time.

He took to wandering around his ship, eventually ending up in an empty console control room where he made idle observations on what was going on around him. Fuel levels were steady. Food rations were good and plentiful. Water was excellent. Injuries were on another decline. Oxygen levels were still within normal range even though there were now two undocumented people living onboard. Everything seemed all well and good, and no one knew the conflict that raged inside of him. 

He flinched as the door behind him whizzed open; he was not expecting anyone to be joining him. 

“Lord Ren.” The man acknowledged him, and he instantly recognized the voice. He turned and found one of his most loyal officers standing at attention behind him, one from a First Order territory that was stationed on a far off planet. He placed this specific captain there, Captain Gren Lendix, because he was powerful and authoritative. He could lead anyone that Kylo placed in front of him and he could lead them with pride. 

“Captain Lendix,” Kylo greeted him, putting him at ease. “What brings you all the way out here?” 

“I come with some news, my Lord.” He stated, and from the stoic look on his face Kylo knew this news would not be good. “There have been some rumors that are circulating my planet, through my fleet and other areas the Order has control over.” He stated, and immediately Kylo’s heart sank. He was thankful for his helmet that hid the panic that rushed across his face. With his helmet, he could keep the facade that he was calm and collected. “People are saying you have a secret child. Some say a daughter, some say a son. Some say you’ve married in secrecy and some say the child was conceived by rape. The rumors have even traveled outside of our territories. One woman dragged herself to the main headquarters with a two year old girl, demanding to receive monetary reparations because she had your child. It was later proven that she snatched the child from a playground and was passing it off as yours, and we imprisoned her.” Kylo goes stone cold, realizing the rumors have spread farther than he ever imagined. He begins to shake and he feels the fear Snoke had ingrained in him beginning to take over his body. “My Lord, these accusations are serious. I’ve come to find out if these rumors are true, and how I can help you. I know you must be stressed, with everything else going on. Rumors are no fun for anyone.”

Kylo doesn’t know what to say. His daughter was only one month old, and already people were trying to capitalize on her birth to hurt him. For once in his life, Kylo sympathizes with a stranger. He couldn’t imagine what the parents of that child were feeling when their daughter was snatched from their arms. To imagine a crazy person taking Lucille from him was heartbreaking, and it only worsens the undying pit in his stomach. These rumors, these assumptions, these accusations were hurting him, and they scared him more than anything. He can’t feel anything but fear and anxiety, and once again he can hear Snoke telling him he has to kill them to keep them safe. He falls back, just barely able to catch himself on the console. He’s panicking, he can’t think straight. He wants to cry as he can just feel someone already targeting them, and he can’t bring himself to say anything to Lendix. 

“Are these rumors true, my Lord?” The man asks again, and he trusts him enough to simply nod his head, hoping he understands the weak gesture. He hears Lendix sigh, can hear him adjusting his posture and knows he’s just as fearful as Kylo is. When he says nothing he feels he must explain himself. He takes a deep breath and prepares for a long winded explanation, one that he doesn’t want to be giving but Kylo trusts no one more than him.

“I met her when I took over her planet and I brought her back to the Supremacy with me. I never meant to give her a child, it was an accident. But I fell in love with my daughter the moment I laid eyes on her. Snoke still haunts me with his declarations of anti-love, and what he made me do to Fleur. I was so afraid to love them, but I know he’s dead and can’t take them away from me. I love them, I’d do anything for them, but things are spiraling out of control. I’m petrified that people are going to hurt them, so I hide them. Lucy was supposed to see a pediatrician today, but I told them not to come. Not when people are doing ridiculous things like kidnapping children to punish me.” Kylo turns and looks at the man, once again hiding his tears from beneath his mask. “Please tell me that the child has been returned to her parents.” Lendix chuckles at Kylo, takes a casual step toward him and Kylo feels the atmosphere has dropped to a much more friendly level.

“My my, Supreme Leader. Your fatherhood has changed you I see.” He smiles. “Becoming a father changed me as well. I too was afraid of Snoke and his threats, and I was afraid of them becoming targets by my enemies. It was challenging, but I found living in fear was not the answer. I was missing out on time with my wife and my first child, and by the time my daughter was born I learned to trust the security team that kept my family safe.” Kylo instantly became intrigued. He knew Lendix had a teenage son, Felix, but he wasn’t aware that he had a daughter as well. “And yes, the little girl was placed safely back to her parents.”

“I didn’t know you had a daughter.” Kylo stated, feeling empty without his own in his arms. The man smiled and chuckled, pulling out his datapad and bringing up the photos app.

“Oh yes. Just last month. She’s a beauty.” He flipped the tablet over and, lo and behold, the image of Lendix, his wife, son, and newborn daughter sat before him. All three of them sat happily on a hospital bed around the newborn, smiling the biggest of smiles. “Venus Rose Lendix is her name, and she is just the light of my life.” 

“You said she’s a month old?” Kylo asked, coming across the very first connection he had with another father. “That’s how old Lucille is.” With a little more conversation, Kylo learns that Venus and Lucille were born on the very same day within hours of each other, with Lucille being older than Venus. “It’s like they are twins.” Kylo says jovially, and both men laugh at one another. 

“We should arrange a playdate then. I’m sure they’d love having each others company.” The thought is soothing to Kylo, but it’s clear that he was nowhere near ready to achieve such a thing. The thought alone of Lucille leaving the protective barrier that was his home sent his heartbeat skyrocketing. That just wasn’t an option. 

“I would love to, Lendix, but I feel like I can’t even provide for her properly.” Lendix’ eyebrows turned down and a confused grimace, and Kylo’s face flushes red in embarrassment. 

“How is that, my Lord?” Lendix asks, and Kylo has to go into the painstaking details of his fear of having infant items delivered to his home. He looks down at his boots, feeling like the most inferior father there was next to Lendix. He still had no answers as to how he was going to get her necessities. 

“Well if that’s what you’re worried about, my Lord, I am certainly willing to help you.” Lendix says rather upbeat and personally. It takes Kylo by surprise.

“How can you help me with such operations, Captain?” He asks, genuinely interested in what he had to say. He was willing to do anything to care for his family, and Lendix was one of the only people that he trusted to help him.

“Whatever you need, I can order for you and have delivered from my home. No one will think twice if I order diapers, because they know I have an infant. I can get anything you need, and no one will question a box of stuff delivered from a Captain to the Supreme Leader.” Kylo blinked as he assessed the option he was given. It almost sounded too good to be true. 

“You would really do that for your Supreme Leader, Captain?” Kylo asked, feeling light and airy as it would seem almost all of his problems had been solved. 

“Anything, my Lord. Anything that will help you and your family.” Kylo stared at him, weighing his options heavily. It was a difficult situation, entrusting this kind of deal with Lendix. He knew Lendix was loyal, but he was also human. Error slip, people change, and he knew this could end badly. But he already told Lendix about Lucy, and he was the first and only person outside of his home that knew the full story of Lucy and how she came to be. He had gone this far and there was no going back. Kylo would take his offer and he’d have to hope Lendix would never betray him. He steps away, saying a silent prayer that he was making the right decision. 

“Swear on your life that you’ll protect my woman and my daughter,” Kylo warns, and then draws his saber in the blink of an eye. He swings his arm and brings the saber to rest just inches from Lendix’ neck, just enough so that he’d beable to feel the heat from his saber and this threat. “Or I will not hesitate to kill you.” There’s silence between the two men, and Kylo is impressed by Lendix’ unfaltering demeanor.

“I swear I will protect your family, Lord Ren.” He says with pride in his voice. Even though it scares Kylo, he puts his trust in his loyal Captain and agrees to accept his help. It felt like it was his only option in caring for his family. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love guinea pigs.


	11. Chapter 11

After the deal is struck between the two men, Kylo finds himself rushing home to deliver the outstanding news. Lendix assures Kylo he’d be standing by his tablet for the next three hours, ready to accept Kylo’s list of needs for Lucille no matter how long it was. He knew her mother would be elated; she would be receiving far more than diapers. He barrels through the door and calls her name only to have his mood do a complete 180 as his woman walks around one of the pillars looking to be in complete distress. Lucy sits happily sucking on her fist in her mother’s arms, and Kylo is always happy to see her eyes open wide and her mouth fall open to voice her excitement to see him.

“Wasn’t the pediatrician supposed to come today?” She asks him, and Kylo has to confront his own actions. He doesn’t know what to say to her, doesn’t know how to accurately explain his fears of losing them and what the General had threatened to do, so he doesn’t. He changes the subject entirely, instead giving her his good news in the only way he knew how.

“What does she need?” He asks, moving his eyes to Lucy and smiling as she begins to chirp at him. 

“What?” Her mother asks, but before he can repeat the question she speaks once more. “She needs a pediatrician to look at her.” Kylo finds her pressing to be a detriment to him, seeing as though he’s following the orders she’s given him. They could talk about the lack of a pediatrician visit later. For now, he had good news.

“She isn’t sick, her bones aren’t broken. She doesn't need to see a ped right now.” He urges, taking his woman by the shoulders and pushing her further into their home. She begins to protest, bouncing Lucy in her arms and she, too, starts to jabber over the both of them. Kylo can’t take it anymore. He wants them to be happy and he wants it now. “Please, tell me what she needs here.” 

“Kylo, I don’t understand--” She started, but Kylo once again finds himself speaking over her to get his point across.

“Diapers, wipes, clothing?” He could go on, but she just stares brokenheartedly at him. Kylo lets a frustrated sigh slip past his lips. He didn’t mean to get so angry at her. He knows she’s just looking out for Lucille, but he couldn’t take the risk. He vows that, if there ever comes a time where she needs immediate medical attention, he wouldn’t hesitate to call a pediatrician. But she was the picture of health now, from what Kylo could see. “Look, you told me the other day we needed stuff for her. I’m here to tell you that I have a solution, and I need to know what she needs so I can get it for her.” He nearly begs for her understanding. Lucy’s fist once again ends up in between her jaws as her attention fell from Kylo to her own body, going back to her own world as her parents went back to bickering above her. 

“She needs diapers, Kylo.” His woman said as she turned away from him, heading back into the living room from where she came. “And a pediatrician visit.” He heard her say glumly as she walked away with his daughter in her arms. Kylo was upset. He had caused this turmoil just trying to keep them safe, and here it was bringing his woman down. He feels guilty, but he knows he has to care for his daughter. He’d have to order her supplies for himself. Even if she does come up with something she needs Lendix was only a message away. 

Kylo spends the next hour upstairs disassembling his belongings and talking on the phone with Lendix. He soaks in the information Ledix feeds him, writing down each and every item on top of the blueprint for his handmade crib: A swing, a bouncy seat, little dresses and bows, socks, and toys. The planning excited Kylo. He was feeling more like a father than he ever felt, especially when Lendix offered to order his wife her own set of clothing too. He knew she was in a foul mood at the moment, but he thought providing her with her own clothing that wasn’t so comically oversized would make her happy. 

“If you’re going through with hiding them, you’ll have to be careful with their clothing.” Lendix says, but Kylo already knew this. He thought he could get by sneaking his family’s clothing to the washrooms on board his ship at night when most people were asleep, but Lendix gave Kylo a better, more hands on idea. Kylo could have his own laundry area where his family's clothes could be washed while his was still sent out. It would be more work, but it was work he was willing to put in if it meant his family would be safe. He agreed to make himself available for a technician to put in a washer and dryer unit, and then agreed on a timeline for his delivery. The diapers and clothing would show up first, then a few days later he’d deliver the swing and bouncy seat and any other furniture Kylo wanted, and finally he’d deliver each and every toy Kylo chose. It sounded like the perfect plan to keep his family safe and all to himself.

\--

You found it hard to believe that Kylo had no part in the fact that a pediatrician didn’t show up to his home to look over Lucille. He said she looked and acted fine, but he wasn’t a doctor and neither were you. You were worried for her, that was all. But you had no doubt that this would all boil down to the fact that he had this fear he wasn’t willing to share with you, the woman he admitted he loved. You tried to dwell on the fact that he was obliging your request for diapers, and some other things that you were too distraught to think of, but you just couldn’t help but to worry for your little, defenseless baby. She would be the one to suffer for Kylo’s fears, not you.

When you wouldn't entertain Kylo’s excited ideas, he disappeared upstairs where you didn’t hear a peep from him until more banging noises came from the room he was establishing as Lucille’s. Again, you counted it as a win that he was making a room for her. Dinner time came and went, and the two of you barely spoke to one another over the table. While you fed Lucille and yourself, Kylo busied himself with his deeds on his tablet. You wanted him to talk to you and tell you why he canceled Lucy’s appointment, but clearly you weren’t going to get that. “Can you sit with her while I shower?” You asked him, unable to take the awkwardness of the conversation anymore. You still had a little bit of pasta left, but you didn’t think you’d be able to finish it. Kylo glared at you from above his tablet before finally placing it down and reaching across the table for Lucy.

“Absolutely.” He said, and you stood up and handed her to him. A pleasant smile stretched across his face as he accepted his daughter, and it was a face that always brought you so much joy. At the end of the day, you knew Kylo did care for you and Lucille. He loved you and he was continuing to do everything he could for you. He wasn’t pushing you away like he was when you were pregnant, he wasn’t just trying like you asked him to. One month in and Kylo had proven to be the best dad he could be, and other than allowing a pediatrician to check his daughter out and make sure she’s healthy, you couldn’t ask for anything more. From the way Lucille looked up at him, her eyes bright with wonder and her mouth wide open, you could tell that her feelings mirrored his. Kylo was the caring and loving father you hoped he would become, and it really was the best thing in the world.

“Aw, look at my big girl.” He said as you were walking up the stairs. “Your daddy has lots of surprises for you.” You stopped, stared at the level below you as if you were expecting to hear Kylo go on about the “surprises” he just revealed he had. But no. Instead you heard Lucille squeak as she normally did. You thought it had something to do with what he said to you earlier; maybe he took it upon himself to order what he thought she needed. Regardless, you thought they deserved some daddy-daughter time, and you carried yourself up the stairs to shower. Sooner or later you’d find out what Kylo’s surprises were, and you could only hope that they would, indeed, take care of her needs. 

The next afternoon, when you literally only had one diaper left for your girl, a knock sounded from the foyer. Kylo had stayed home again and nearly toppled over rushing to get to the door. If he was this excited for whoever was on the other side of the door, you probably should be too. 

“Who is it?” He called, his hand resting on the button that opened the door. 

“Lendix, and maintenance my Lord.” An unfamiliar voice called out. You looked up to Kylo to see if his face would be giving away any clues as to who that was, but all you got was an excitable grin. Before opening the door Kylo placed his arm in front of you and scooted you and Lucy behind his back, as if whoever was on the other side wouldn’t be able to see you at all standing behind him. You stared at the back of his head confused, watching as the door opened and you could just barely see a large stack of boxes over his shoulder.

“Supreme Leader Ren.” Said three manly voices, all in unison. You peeked around the corner and just barely were able to catch sight of a middle aged man in a crisp black uniform and two others who were dressed far more casually. All three were standing at attention, their eyes trained on Kylo who was the polar opposite of both dressed in his robes and a hefty grin. The boxes towered high above them, but before you could make any more observations Kylo began backing up, pushing you around the wall with him.

“Come in, come in.” Kylo said, stepping back and allowing the men to filter into his home. With Lucy held tight to you you peered at everything coming into your home; five large boxes were dispersed on two hand trucks, and you had absolutely no idea what could be inside of them. 

“Are those all diapers?” You whispered to Kylo, only to have him push you behind him yet again. 

“Not all of them, love.” He assured you, and when the doors finally closed he set you free. “Some of it is for you too.” He stepped away, casting a warm smile at you from over his shoulder. It shocked you to say the very least. You weren’t expecting any gifts from Kylo at all, couldn’t even imagine what he had gotten you. 

“Is this your little one then, my Lord?” The man in the captain's uniform stepped up to your family, his eyes stuck on Lucille who was simply observing her surroundings in your arms. Kylo draped his arm around you and pulled you into him as the man smiled down at your daughter, and when you looked up at Kylo he had the proudest grin on his face. 

“Yep. This is my daughter, Lucille and my Lady.” Kylo said, introducing you by name. 

“Lady Ren,” The man said, taking your free hand in his and lifting it to his lips. “I’m very pleased to meet you.” The skin on the back of your neck stood tall as goosebumps broke out over your skin.  _ Lady Ren.  _ Was that your title now? It sounded fancy and important, like you and Kylo were on the same playing field when you had always considered yourself to be less than him. 

“Love, this is Captain Lendix, one of my best men. He’s here to help us get stuff for Lucy.” Kylo explained, but it hardly mattered to you. He was the first person you were introduced to since your nurses and midwife left. A new face to gawk at that wasn’t Lucy’s or Kylo’s was exciting to you, and you found you couldn’t look away.

“Thank you, so much.” You whispered, but Lucy didn’t think it was as amusing. Her curious coos began to turn to wails as the men around her began setting down the boxes, and you figured she was overwhelmed. Just like you, this was the first time in a month she had met someone new, but she wasn’t a fully functioning adult like you were. The only thing Lucy knew was the four walls that kept her concealed from the rest of the ship, her mother, and her father. She didn’t know these men or the what they were bringing her, she didn’t recognize the new sounds and voices. All of this was making her fearful, and truthfully you couldn’t blame her.

“This little girl looks just like her father,” Lendix spoke above Lucy’s cries, and you couldn’t help but to be a little embarrassed about how much noise she was making. “She is beautiful, my Lord. May I offer you my sincerest congratulations.” You smiled as you lifted Lucy over your shoulder, trying desperately to calm her as the other two men began unloading the boxes. The poor girl was screaming at the top of her lungs, and it was clear you had to get her out of there.

“I’m gonna be upstairs.” You said quickly to Kylo, who once again pressed his hand into your shoulder blades.

“Go ahead, love. I’ll come explain what’s going on as soon as everything gets set up.” Kylo said, almost too excited to get rid of you. You really did want to stay, to see what was being brought for you and your daughter, but Lucille had decided she was uncomfortable. Your daughter would always come first, and you wanted to remove her from the situation. Reluctantly you climbed the stairs as you listened to the two men talking amongst each other. You heard Ren say that both you and Lucille would be happier than ever by the time everything was set up and done, and you tried to do just that. Even though you were having to remove yourself from the excitement, you tried to have high hopes and trust in what Kylo had planned for you. You were his  _ Lady Ren  _ after all , and he had to keep you happy.

Hours of rumbling, hammering, and minor chaos passed as you tried to keep yourself and Lucille busy in your bedroom. To calm her down you nursed her until she fell asleep, and then proceeded to sleep with her arms stretched far above her head and her legs straight as a board on Kylo’s side while you put on a movie for yourself. You still had no idea what he was planning for you, especially if it involved this much manual labor. You took another look at Lucy as she lay passed out on the bed, then decided that you could no longer keep your curiosity at bay. You were always told not to leave Lucy to sleep anywhere but in her own bed alone, but you thought leaving her for just a few moments to see what was happening wouldn’t bring her any harm. To add extra measure you lined the sides of the bed with pillows so that, if she did manage to gain the strength to roll while you were away, the pillows would at least stop her before she could roll off of the bed. As quietly as you could you snuck out of the bedroom and into the hall where you were immediately met with your very first surprise.

All heads immediately turned to you, and you felt like you were a child who was caught sneaking out of their bedroom at night; like you weren’t meant to be here at all. But what you couldn’t take your eyes off of was the stainless steel washing machine and dryer that was being installed into the wall at the far end of the hallway. 

“Oh, perfect!” Kylo said, strutting over to you with his arms wide open. “Come, let me show you your surprises.” He draped his arm around you and led you down the hall where he proudly showed off his accomplishments. “Your own laundry unit, and your own clothing.” He pointed to a box on the floor next to the dryer. It seemed to good to be true. Kylo had given you excuse after excuse as to why he couldn’t get you your own clothing, and in the end you just went with it because wearing his clothing wasn’t the end of the world when you had him. But here it was. Your own box of women’s clothing. The only thing you could see was a deep purple sweater next to a pair of black jeans, and the excitement caused you to immediately fall to your knees and start going through everything yourself. Lots of blacks, reds, blues, and purples colors were packed tight in that box, and you thought you had at least three months' worth of clothes in this very box. 

“Wow, thank you Kylo” You said, again looking up to the laundry machines that sat next to you. You had offered to even do your laundry and his if Kylo would get you your own clothing, and he was finally obliging you. Even though laundry wasn’t something you particularly enjoyed when you lived on your own, you were excited to have another daily task to do when you were home all day with Lucy.

“Wait, open this box too.” Kylo said as he squat down next to you, pushing another box in front of you. The flaps had been folded in on each other to keep the items inside concealed from you. As carefully as you could unfolded the box, thinking it was even more clothing for you but you were wrong. Because inside of that box sat a mountain of small, pink, white, and black clothing that was obviously for Lucille. A full smile broke over your face as you pulled out the first piece of clothing that was available for you: A little black bodysuit that had a grey and white frilly tutu attached to it. It said  _ Princess  _ on the front in large, glittery print. You were speechless. Kylo had dropped no hints that he was going out of his way to do this for you and it took you by complete surprise. “Everything she needs, and more is on its way.” He said, placing his hand on your back and giving you a kiss on your cheek.” 

You were feeling your throat constricting more and more with each passing second, becoming over-emotional as Kylo once again proved to you that he could be, and would be, the best partner and father he could. You reached over and hugged him, knocking him to the floor but you hardly cared. You were thankful. You were more than thankful. You were indebted to him for sure, and you wished you could give him just a fraction of what he had given to you. The security, the safety, the feeling of having a home and proper family. The love, the affection, the fatherly bond he had with Lucille. It was all so overwhelming and you didn’t think you could thank him properly. 

“Please, love,” Kylo spoke, wrapping his arms around you and nuzzling into your hair. “Being the most admirable, excellent mother you can to my daughter is all I need as a thanks. Nothing more and nothing less.” You smiled into his neck, finally allowed the happiest of tears to fall from your eyes. You loved Kylo. There was no arguing the point at all.

Once everything was said and done, once all of the boxes were gathered up and ready to be carted away, once Lucille had woken up and Kylo changed her into a simple grey and black dress with some red leggings, and once her box of clothing made it into her room and your box into yours, the three men were getting ready to leave you and Kylo alone. 

“Until next time, my Lord.” Captain Lendix said, shaking Kylo’s gloved hand. “Please don’t hesitate to reach out if you need help. I’m always here to help.”

“Thank you, Captain.” Kylo said blandly before turning to the maintenance workers. “Thank you for your servitude, men.” Kylo said, shaking each one of their hands. Each one replied with a hefty “Your welcome, Supreme Leader.” Captain Lendix nodded his head in your direction as a short and sweet farewell, then simply saw himself out. You expected the same from the other two men, found they weren’t leaving. When you looked back at them Kylo was waving his hand in front of their faces. 

“You didn’t see a woman inside of Supreme Leader Ren’s personal quarters.” He said, and you were thoroughly confused until the men repeated the same thing in exact unison. 

“We didn’t see a woman inside of Supreme Leader Ren’s personal quarters.” They smiled, transfixed on Kylo the entire time as he once again waved his hand in front of them.

“You didn’t see an infant, a toddler, or a child in Supreme Leader Ren’s personal quarters.”

“We didn’t see an infant, a toddler, or a child in Supreme Leader Ren’s personal quarters.” They said, speaking like robots.

“You don’t believe that Supreme Leader Ren has a secret lover, or a child.” Kylo corrected them. At this point you had no idea what he was making them believe, but what he had said was beginning to make you worry. 

“We don’t believe that Supreme Leader Ren has a secret lover, or a child.” They repeated, this time with a bit of a chuckle in their voice. It was as if someone had asked them about a rumor and they shot them down, like it was a silly idea that Kylo had a lover and a child. It almost hurt you to hear them say such a thing, and when Kylo dismissed them and it was just the three of you, you didn’t hesitate to speak your mind.

“What in the hell was that about?” You asked, only to have him, as per usual, shoot you down. 

“Nothing, my dear.” He said, reaching for Lucille and cuddling her against him. “But look, at how cute my princess is!”

“Secret lover, secret child?” You violently steered the conversation back to where you wanted it to be. You placed your fists on your hips and took a step toward him when he ignored you in favor of doting over Lucille. “Is there something you want to tell me, Kylo?” You demanded answers, but Kylo refused to budge.

“It’s not important. Trust me when I tell you that you don’t have to worry, love.” Kylo said, matching the seriousness in your tone. “Now come on, let’s go upstairs and go unpack your clothing. I want you to see all of it and tell me what you think.” Kylo said, reaching for your wrist and beginning to pull you toward the steps. It seemed entirely unfair that Kylo was withholding information from you, especially when it sounded important. He continued to downplay it, pushing you worries off to the side and it irritated you to no end. You weren’t willing to fight with him when Lucille was around to see it, so you decided to save the argument for another day. For now, Kylo wanted you to see all of your gifts. You’d have to remember to confront him about it later.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm soooooo close to being finished with this fic. I can't wait to share the rest with you guys!


	12. Chapter 12

As you should have guessed, Kylo never wanted to discuss the way he manipulated the two maintenance workers right there in front of you. You brought it up time after time, begging him to tell you what he meant by “secret lover” and “secret child,” but you got no answers. 

Life simply went on. Lucille grew and learned something new every day, you grew and learned along with her. Kylo seemed to do the same, and you found that you grew closer as a family. Although it took quite some time, you did end up moving Lucille to her own room, and you and Kylo finally had your room back to just yourselves. It was bliss being able to be with Kylo alone, even for only a few hours before you had to go feed Lucy and rock her back to sleep in the gliding chair Kylo had brought in for you. It was good to have a reminder that you and Kylo deserved each other’s time just as much as Lucy did. 

All of her other time was spent with you. You would read to her, rock her, cuddle her, play with her, and make her feel as loved as you possibly could. It was easy to do when she was such an agreeable infant. You didn’t really have a schedule for her, and you found that was the easiest way to go about your day with her. The two of you would eat when hungry, you’d nap when you were tired, you’d watch TV and play when you wanted to, and nobody had any objections. The only thing that you did on a daily basis was your laundry. 

Laundry. You found it to be such a drag when you lived on your own. But this was the only routine that you looked forward to daily, and it was a task that you involved Lucy with as well. The day after Kylo had everything delivered you used his tablet to look up tutorials on babywearing, and by the end of the day you were proudly carrying her around on your chest, a clean sheet keeping her safe and snug there against you. Each day you’d go about your business with her connected to you. You’d make up as much of a breakfast and lunch as you could with what Kylo had in his fridge, you’d tidy the house, you’d watch TV, and after Kylo got home and the two of you ate dinner together, you’d do what little bit of laundry had accumulated that day. Between you, Lucy, and Kylo, you had a sizable load of laundry that could be done every evening. Some nights you’d declare you didn’t want to do laundry, and that was okay too. Life would go on and you had other ways of spending time with your family during the evening.

Lucy hit all of her milestones on time, if not earlier. At one and a half months Kylo reported that, after waking up from a nap in the living room, he found Lucy smiling at him from her swing. He wasn’t able to get a picture right away, but over the next few days her smiles became plentiful. She had the most expressive, contageous, toothless grins you could ever imagine, and you never got tired of seeing them. Kylo took pictures. He took pictures of Lucy, he took pictures of you, he took pictures of you and Lucy together, and he had so many of them printed and hung on your walls. Kylo was clearly proud of the family he had made, and you were grateful for him every day.

When she turned six months old she started showing interest in the foods you and Kylo were eating, and you decided you would take up making her different foods to eat. Kylo had all of the equipment you’d need delivered: A food processor, a steamer, and a small machine to make different baby food pouches. The first time you made her food Kylo insisted he be home to see her try her first meal, so over dinner, while Lucy hungrily eyed and reached for your food from her high chair, you prepared some of the pureed carrots for her. With all eyes on her, you lifted the spoon to her mouth which she happily accepted. She smacked her lips a few times, looked from you to Kylo, and then howled for more. Kylo laughed at her while you lifted another spoonful to her mouth, and after that it was game over. It would seem you couldn’t feed her fast enough as she began whining harder and harder between spoonfuls. 

“You’re spoiled, kid.” Kylo said, running his hands through her ear-length hair before cleaning some of the smeared carrots from her mouth with his bare fingers. “Your mommy and daddy spoil you, don’t we?” Lucy looked over at Kylo as he spoke to her, but because he had no carrots she quickly shut her eyes and looked away. You laughed at her, and he was certainly right. Your little girl was spoiled every day by her father that took such good care of her. 

Lucy learned how to walk before she was even a year old, and you swore she learned how to run before she could walk. By the time she got her footing neither you nor Kylo could keep up with her. The worst was when she would climb over the wall of her crib and run from her room to yours, which happened at least once a night. You thought Kylo would get pissed with her doing it so often, but every once and a while you found that Kylo welcomed her small body in between yours. Your favorite picture of Kylo and Lucy was the one you took of the two of them sleeping right next to each other, with Lucy tucked in Kylo’s strong arm. Their hair looked exactly the same, messy mops that meshed with one another as Kylo rested his head on the top of hers. They both looked so peaceful sleeping together, and even when asleep Lucy looked exactly like him. 

On her first birthday, you learned something new about Lucy, or more so Kylo. You had made her cake the previous night, and even though you had no baking skills you thought the cake came out perfectly. It was a chocolate cake, which you had learned was Kylo’s favorite, with strawberry frosting, and Kylo went out of his way to get you piping tips so that you could write on the top of it.  _ Happy 1st Birthday Lucille Eden!  _ You wrote, and you thought it looked horrendous. 

“At least she can’t read.” You said to Kylo as you showed him the cake after he put Lucy to bed in her crib. 

“I think it’s beautiful, love.” He whispered to you, snaking his hand around your waist and holding you close to him. “She’s going to eat it anyway, she won’t care.” You shrugged, laughed at his honesty. You really thought everything was going to be okay. “Go on to bed. I’ll be up in a minute.” He said as you were placing the cake back into the fridge. He patted your ass in the sweetest way possible to get you moving. He was looking out for you, and he knew you had worked hard to make this possible. He wanted you to rest, and you couldn’t disagree with the idea. 

You climbed the stairs and headed toward Lucy’s now finished room. She had everything. An actual crib mattress inside of the handmade crib Kylo had put together for her, a changing table, a gliding chair, a bookcase full of infant and toddler books, and a toy box full of age-appropriate toys. Kylo even ordered some bright white space-themed decals for her room. Some were stars, some were space ships, some were different planets and moons, but your favorite part was the constellation of stars over her crib that spelled out  _ Lucille.  _ Kylo really had thought of everything when he put together her room.

Lucy was asleep face down in her crib, her little butt stuck in the air as she often slept. Kylo chose a pair of black footie pajamas for her to sleep in, which featured light pink faux ballet slippers on the feet. You just wanted to make sure she was okay, not in the middle of sneaking out of her crib as she had been known to do. With a sliver of light from the hallway shining onto her peaceful body, you listened for her rhythmic breathing. Her soft breaths just barely reached you, but when you heard them you decided you were safe to turn in for the night. You were certain Kylo was going to do the same thing shortly after you anyway; you had seen him check on her every night since she had permanently moved into her own room at two months old. 

The next morning you woke up to Lucy sloppily climbing over your body to sleep in bed between you and Kylo. She whined the entire time, pressing her knees and palms into the softest and most painful parts of her body. Once she got settled you rolled over to check the time only to see that it was ten AM, usually the time you were waking up with or without her. You sat yourself up, looked down at Lucy as she strained to keep her eyes shut and go back to sleep. You giggled at her, causing her to open her eyes and look at you quite distressed. She groaned as she often did, wordlessly telling you that she wanted to sleep, but there was no time! Today, Lucille Eden was one year old, and you wanted to celebrate her birthday as a family!

“You can’t go back to sleep,” You playfully chided her, reaching under her arms and lifting her into your lap. She splayed herself out, laying her head on your chest and wrapping her arms and legs around you in a desperate attempt to put herself to sleep. “Today is your birthday, silly! You’ve gotta stay up and party all day on your first birthday!” Lucy whined there in your lap, clearly unamused. Kylo, on the other hand, had been awakened by all the ruckus. He reached over and began to rub her back, to which Lucille whipped her head around and looked at him.

“Morning baby.” Kylo whispered, staring tiredly at his daughter. Lucille stuck her hand out to him and waved at him before tucking her face into your chest and once again tried to go to sleep. You laughed at her strong will to sleep, but you were determined to get her up and get her day started. 

Once Lucille made the transition from pureed food to regular table food, Kylo created yet another puzzling rule for his family. The night you had decided you wanted Lucy to eat the same foods you and Kylo were going to eat, you asked him to order her a small dish of macaroni, mashed sweet potatoes, and green beans. That night Kylo wanted to have steak and you were certain Lucy wouldn’t be able to eat it, so you settled for just having her eat the softer foods he wanted too. He gratefully agreed, but when the droid came to deliver dinner that night it still only had two plates of food. 

You kept yourself quiet until after the droid had left, and when you were alone with your family you took a good long look at the plates before you. One of them was much bigger than what you normally ordered, and that was the one that was placed in front of Kylo. You stared at him as Lucy babbled on about her need for food, simply waiting for an explanation as to why he didn’t get her a plate like you had asked. But he didn’t even look at you as he lifted the silver tray topper and revealed his larger than normal meal. 

You watched as he scraped half of his sweet potatoes, half of his macaroni, and half of his green beans onto Lucy’s tray, then placed his food back down in front of him as he told Lucy to eat up. Lucy, of course, began digging in, pushing her little hands into the mountain of orange sweet potatoes and shoving as much as she could into her mouth. You on, on the other hand, were close to raging on the inside. 

“Kylo?” You asked, hoping he would catch your drift and immediately start explaining himself. But of course he didn’t. His eyes lifted from the act of cutting into his steak to you, and he looked as innocent as ever. 

“Yes, love?” He asked, and you had to fight back the urge to roll your eyes. 

“Any particular reason why you just shared your food with Lucy instead of just getting her her own?” You asked, but Kylo only went back to cutting up his steak. Your eyes were glued to him as he stuck a piece in his mouth and nodded at you, seemingly buying more time for his response. It infuriated you, but you tried to keep yourself together for the sake of your young daughter. Kylo wouldn’t answer you until he had wiped his mouth free of the debris of his food, took a swing of his water, then wiped his mouth again. When he did start to speak you were all ears, listening intently to his explanation

“The kitchens on the Supremacy don’t have child sized plates and don’t know how to prepare child sized portions.” He said, starting to cut into his steak again. “It was far easier and more efficient for me to simply upgrade my meal and share with her than to spend the time and resources to educate the hundreds of kitchen staff members.” Kylo stared on, looking for your validation. The explanation did make sense. It  _ was  _ her first day eating table food after all, and you did sort of spring it on him last minute. You repressed a sigh as you went for your own fork and knife to cut into your own steak. You would accept the explanation, but only this one time.

“But this is something you’ll look into for the future, right Kylo?” You asked him just as he had placed a spoonful of sweet potatoes into his mouth. Lucy was reaching across her tray with a fistful of green beans trying to get you to open your mouth and eat them with her; it was a practice she had been familiar with once you had started teaching her how to use a spoon and a fork. You pushed her wrist away as the action was not welcome at the moment. You wanted to hear the answer to Kylo’s question, playing with Lucille could wait. 

“Yeah. Yeah, of course.” Kylo said nervously. You pouted at him, completely disappointed. Kylo turned his attention from you to Lucy, who was now covered in all of her food and trying to get Kylo to eat her green beans when you wouldn’t humor her. Kylo could never deny his daughter’s smiles and sweet noises, even when a serious conversation was being held his daughter was his number one priority. Lucy smiled and giggled as Kylo opened his mouth and accepted the mashed potato and cheese colored green beans, used her other hand to take ahold of the bridge of Kylo’s nose. In response, Kylo let out an exaggerated honk, as if he were a clown. This was one of the most hysterical things to Lucy, and only the sight of her one little bottom tooth in her wide open mouth, her face covered with all three elements of her dinner, her hearty, animated laugh, and the sight of Kylo smiling contently at her, could bring your mood up just enough to let out the smallest of giggles. You turned your attention back to your plate, knowing that, just as everything else you had encountered in the past that Kylo carefully skated around, you’d likely never get an answer to this either. 

On Lucy’s first birthday Kylo ordered one large plate of scrambled eggs, bacon, and pancakes, and of course he cut his portions in half and shared with Lucy. The three of you ate in happy silence as you thought about the gifts that you and Kylo had gotten for her. You knew she had no real idea about birthdays, no idea that she would be getting spoiled rotten for simply surviving her first year of life. It was exciting, and as soon as Lucy was finished you were whisking her away upstairs where you’d give her a bath and dress her in the prettiest red dress that Kylo had specially made just for her first birthday. You tried to extend the process for as long as you could, because downstairs Kylo was setting the scene. Dragging the presents he had hidden in the downstairs bathroom out into the living room, cleaning her high chair and placing the cake on it, and lighting the one candle you had approved him to for her to blow out. 

It was so exciting to know that it had been one full year since your daughter was born, to know that you and Kylo had been parents for a year. To see how your daughter had grown and evolved from the tiny newborn that was swaddled in your arms to the bouncy, loud, and loving one year old she became was marvelous. Watching Kylo change from the fearful man he was to the outgoing, silly, father that Lucille adored was even better. You were proud to see the leaps and bounds your family had overcome and accomplished together, and this little celebration you and Kylo had planned would be not just for Lucille’s first year, but for everything else you held near and dear to your heart. 

You had Lucille dressed in the fluffy red dress paired with some black stockings and black buckled shoes, and had her hair done up in two neat pigtails on the top of her head. Her hair was so long, and you noticed it was beginning to get some curl. It was still light and fine as a baby's hair, but the very tips of her piggy tails were curling down by her temples. You supposed Kylo’s hair was much curlier when it was wet straight from the shower and when he woke up, but he likely brushed them away to start his day. It was a fun new development on a fun day, and when you took Lucy by the hand and admired her fancy outfit, knowing it would all be ruined by the time you were done with the cake and ice cream, you had to hope that one of Kylo’s gifts to her would be something you had been wishing for for a while.

You wanted Kylo to take her out.

Out of her home, into the hallways of his ship. To his office, to the kitchen. Anywhere! During her entire year of existence, Lucy had only known her home. Kylo forbid you from standing in the foyer when he left and when he returned home, so you were sure Lucy didn’t even know what the outside of her home looked like. Not to mention the fact that you were just barely holding back the cabin fever after being held up in here for just over two years. You could count on one hand the number of people you had met other than Kylo and Lucy during your time here on the Supremacy. It wasn’t fair to you, but it was especially unfair to Lucille.

You tried not to dwell on the negative, because you knew today wasn’t about you and your feelings. Today was about Lucy, and as you helped her slowly step down the stairs she immediately caught sight of all of her things in the living room. She squealed, pointed at the small opening where her largest gift, wrapped in red and white polka dot wrapping paper, could just barely be seen by the time the two of you reached the bottom step. As if you had just disappeared into thin air, Lucy dropped your hand and went running toward the living room, the small, stubby heels of her shoes clicking against the tiles of the foyer in her wake. She disappeared around the corner just as Kylo appeared into your field of vision, and when she saw him she pointed at her gift and began to babble on about it.

“I know! I see it!” Kylo said, pretending to understand her each and every syllable. You came around the corner and observed their interaction, then both you and Kylo burst into laughter as Lucy reached around her square shaped gift and gave it a big hug. “Awwww!” She said, a reaction she learned from both you and Kylo cooing over her when she hugged you. She went onto babble as she flexed her fingers around the box, shaking it and kicking it. She wanted to know what was inside, and even though you and Kylo planned to do cake first before having her open her presents, you decided that she deserved to do what she wanted to on her birthday.

You and Kylo sat cross legged on the living room floor, helping your daughter unwrap her gifts whenever she needed help. The biggest gift she got was something you thought of, and it turned out it was the only thing she wanted to play with. A pink metal tricycle, complete with pink and white streamers coming from the handle, a tray on wheels that connected to the back so she could “tow” anything she wanted to, and a bell on the handle. She whined and cried until it was opened and Kylo got to work on putting it together. In the mean time you and her speed opened her other gifts. A toy kitchen, a toy shopping cart, a plastic picnic table for her room, new clothing, a child’s tablet just for her, and a sparkly red hair bow from a “Venus Lendix.” There were other odds and ends, mainly dolls and stuffed animals, but Lucy wanted to see none of it. She wanted her tricycle. You even joked with Kylo that, had you known she would have only wanted the tricycle he probably could have saved his money on everything else. 

Kylo got the tricycle up and running within the next half an hour, and immediately you got a front row seat to Kylo and Lucy having the time of their lives. Kylo taught Lucy how to control it, taught her how to ride from the kitchen all the way to the end of the foyer and back. You watched from the living room as Kylo placed his hands on the back of the tricycle and propelled Lucy back and forth, all while Lucy let out some overly excited squeals and screeches. The two ran back and forth, Kylo pretending Lucy was in a race and he was commentating. He would stop her suddenly, make her drift around the pillars and then run her back only to have her finish in first place when he was tired. 

“Okay, kid,” He said, lifting her from the bike and placing her on his hip. She began to whine, stretching her arms and body toward the tricycle but Kylo readjusted her so that she wouldn’t fall. “Daddy’s tired, and he’s ready for cake.” He told her, but Lucy still didn’t understand. “Mommy, are you ready for cake?” He called out to you. While they were having fun you were cleaning up the mess, and you wholeheartedly agreed that everyone was in need of a cake break. 

“Yes, cake is ready!” You said, placing the trash bag down next to Lucy’s pile of unopened toys. Lucy was still whining as Kylo brought her back into the living room, even more so when Kylo placed her in high chair. 

“Oh, come on Luce,” Kylo said, as he strapped her in. “Everyone loves cake. You’ve never had cake, but it will change your life!” He joked, and it put a smile on your face. Kylo turned away from you and headed toward the kitchen, and it was your turn to try and calm your daughter. 

“Okay! Let’s sing Happy Birthday!” You called out to Kylo when you heard him open and close the fridge. 

“What kind of song is that?” He asked just as you heard him coming toward you. You felt your heart come to a complete standstill in your chest at his words. Was he serious? Who didn’t know what the Happy Birthday song was?

“It’s the Happy Birthday song!” You said, turning around just in time to see him standing at the entrance with your homemade cake. “Didn’t anyone ever sing the Happy Birthday song to you on your birthday?” You asked him with a sincere smile on your face. You weren’t expecting such a drastic frown to appear on his.

“I don’t even remember the last time I celebrated a birthday.” He confessed, and the reality hit you hard. You had been here for so long and should have celebrated two birthdays with Kylo, yet you couldn’t remember even obtaining the date of his birth once. Granted, the two of you had never celebrated your birthday either, but that was by choice. Kylo made it sound like he never, not even as a child, celebrated a birthday, and it was disparaging. Kylo let out a sigh, looked down at the cake before forcing a smile onto his face. “But, it just feels better to know that I’m giving my daughter what I didn’t really have growing up. That’s all.” He explained, and it was an explanation you could get behind. “Sing the song, love. I’d like to hear it.” 

You began to sing the familiar tune, and Lucy finally began to calm. You often sang to her to calm her and put her to sleep, and even though this song was more upbeat than those other songs she still seemed to be entertained. Kylo walked over the entire time, the brightest smile burning onto his face. Lucille craned her neck to see what was going on as you went on and on, and when Kylo finally set the cake down in front of her, just as you were stating Lucille’s name as the song went, you found yourself stopping abruptly at what you saw sitting in front of you.

The cake had been altered, adding two words before and after Lucille’s name. The script was vastly different, and obviously Kylo had written the words after you had gone to bed last night.  _ Princess Lucille Eden Ren.  _ You were so stunned you couldn’t even continue the song.

“It’s her title, love.” Kylo explained, placing a hand on your back and rubbing to comfort you. “I’m Lord Ren, you’re Lady Ren, and she’s Princess Ren.” You were elated to see that Kylo was finally acknowledging her as a Ren, just as you wanted him to do since the day she was born. It made you happier than anything you had taken part of today. You took Kylo by the hand and couldn’t stop your face splitting grin as you finished the song, and Lucy seemed to vibrate in excitement at the sight of her cake.

Kylo shook himself free of your hand and leaned over to place a large kiss on Lucy’s cheek. “Happy birthday, Princess Ren.” He said, as if he too were trying the words out on his tongue. “And may we have many more to come.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I start school again next week and I'm trying to get this story all wrapped up. I'm hoping that the chapter I'm working on now is the final chapter, when Kylo will face his fears and make the most important decision of his lifetime!


	13. Chapter 13

“Lucille, Eden, Ren.” You said to your daughter over and over. “Your name is Lucille, Eden, Ren.” Today, you and Lucy were up in her room, sitting at her plastic table coloring pictures in your pajamas. You were writing out her full name while she was just scribbling away happily. You were certain she didn’t care about her new title as a Ren, but you were elated. Over a week had passed since Lucy’s birthday, but you still couldn’t get over the fact that Kylo had confirmed her title. She was a Ren, you were a Ren, and, together, the three of you made up quite the happy family. The revelation was happy enough to get your mind off of your stir craziness for those few days, but as you sat at this table you found yourself becoming dissatisfied once again. Kylo couldn’t possibly think that being stuck in the house for years was healthy for you and for her, could he?

Regardless, you kept your spirits as high as you could as you taught Lucille her new name. She’d smile at you, point to the different colored scribbles she had drawn and babble on about her drawing. You couldn’t understand a word she said, but that didn’t matter. What she had to say was important to you, and you knew it was important to talk back to her to improve her speech. 

“It’s beautiful, Lucy,” You said to her, and she picked her head up and beamed at you. “Just like you. You’re beautiful!” You gassed her, knowing she still probably didn’t understand you. Speaking light into her, praising her, and bringing her up was important to you since you knew Kylo wouldn’t be able to keep the two of you locked in here forever. Eventually she’d come in contact with people who weren’t so nice, and you had to build her confidence now. You wanted to raise a kind, beautiful, confident young woman, and you knew it all had to start while she was young. 

It was getting close to lunchtime, and you had some leftover chicken for you and Lucy to eat. “Are you ready for lunch, Lucille Ren?” You asked her, and she nodded her head enthusiastically. You began the process of untangling yourself from the small plastic table, and as soon as you had freed just one of your legs Lucy once again started talking to you again.

“Wen!” She said, clear as day. The sound, the one syllable that came from between her four teeth, was powerful enough to knock you back down onto your butt into the table. 

“What?” You asked her, not really believing she had said what she did. “Lucy, what did you say?” She looked at you slightly confused. You knew what you thought you had heard, and you wanted her to say it again. “Say it, baby. Say Lucille, Eden, Ren!” You coaxed, and Lucy smiled mischievously at you. 

“Eee, Eee, Wen!” She exclaimed, patting her chest with each sound and that’s when you knew that she was beginning to understand herself as well. Clearly she was saying Ren, and clearly she was trying to say her name. What made the moment so sweet was that her very first word was her title. You were ecstatic, wiggled yourself free from her little table and immediately took her into your arms. 

“My smart, big girl!” You said, overcome with emotion. Lucy giggled, wrapped her arms around you in a hug and did her usual ‘Awwww.’ She was so sweet, so smart and continued to impress you day after day. You couldn’t wait to tell Kylo when he got home that night.

Over the next few months Lucy’s vocabulary grew. Both you and Kylo were impressed that Lucy could say her name (or title as Kylo continually reminded you), but when she learned how to refer to you as “mama” and Kylo as “deedee,” you were over the moon. Other words came into play. She’d pat your chest and say “boob” when she wanted to nurse, she learned how to say “uh oh” whenever something bad happened. She learned how to say hi and bye, please and “thinks” came shortly after, and by the time she turned 18 months old you found that she could carry on very short, very fragmented conversations with you and Kylo.

“Mama, cacas peas.” She’d ask first thing in the morning when you’d sit her at the table. 

“What color?” You’d ask, in regards to the cereal, or crackers as she called them, she asked for. 

“Back” She’d answer, and you’d know to get the chocolate flavored cereal for her. The girl was like a sponge, soaking in any and all language she heard between you and Kylo. You learned that you had to stop cursing around her when you accidentally spilled some salad dressing on yourself at dinner one night. 

“Aw, damn.” You said as Kylo handed you a napkin to clean yourself off. 

“Ugh, damn!” Lucy shouted at you, and you whipped your head around to her so fast.

“Lucy, no no.” You said, unable to find the right words to reprimand her in your shock. On the other side of the table Kylo sat snickering as quietly could under his breath, covering his face as to not show Lucy that it was a good thing. Luckily for you the habit quickly fell away, and you and Kylo vowed to monitor your language around her.

Something that also changed within a matter of months was your intimacy with Kylo. They told you to wait at least six weeks before trying for another baby, and this time Kylo was sure to have an injection delivered once he got hooked up with Lendix. According to him, the First Order birth control injection was good for an entire year and the fail rate was less than one percent. You felt safer knowing another surprise baby wouldn’t be occurring, but it still took you a long time to be comfortable having sex with him again. The first time was when Lucy was six months old, after Kylo had been hounding you for days. You told him when you were ready you’d let him know, and the time did finally come.

Lucy had been sleeping all night long for two months now, and when you felt it was finally time you tried your hardest to keep up with Kylo, but found it to be nearly impossible. Lucy took so much energy from you during the day, that when you did allow Kylo to have you you felt all you could do was sit. Eyes shut, legs wide, and your hands clasped firmly to the back of his neck. You found very little pleasure in the interaction, and when it was finally over with you thought you needed more time. It felt drastically different than the last time you had sex when you were 7 months pregnant, and you felt you just weren't ready. 

You gave it another week. You prepared yourself. The foreplay was there, including just a bit of whipped cream on the various parts of your body, but while he was just working his tongue down to your sex, the sound of a crying baby interrupted your fun. You tried not to show your disappointment, instead cleaned yourself with a towel and went to tend to Lucy. That night turned out to be a sleepless night for her, and you ended up allowing her to sleep in your bed. “Next time.” You whispered to Kylo, and he silently agreed with you. You could almost feel the tension between the two of you, and you were really let down. You knew Kylo was counting on this and, to a degree, so where you. Next time. There would for sure be a next time.

That time came very spur of the moment a few days later, in the kitchen after Lucy had just gone to bed. He surprised you, cornered you and attacked your lips with his. He took his time, nipping at your sensitive skin and kissing you anywhere and everywhere he could think of. He didn’t have any chocolate, or whipped cream, or honey to spice things up, but the time he did take did the trick. Before you knew it you were bare from the waist down, had one leg wrapped around his hip while the other was trying to keep you balanced. One of your arms was wrapped tightly around his neck and the other was placed on the counter behind you, bracing yourself as he thrust himself in and out of you. It was erotic, more erotic than you were expecting. Being in such an enclosed space, being so close to Kylo, and having to be so quiet as to not wake your sleeping baby. It all felt so  _ good.  _ You were cumming all over him in no time. 

From that day forward, you tried to keep the sex frequent. It was how you and Kylo met, and it really was enjoyable. At 18 months postpartum, you found intimacy with Kylo was almost therapeutic. A time when it was just you and him, a time where you could care for each other without having to also care for a tiny human. Where you could pleasure him while he was bringing you pleasure. It was bliss. Whether it was a full blown, hour long session that involved the toys, the foods, the extensive foreplay, that wouldn’t end until you had cum multiple times, or just a quick fifteen minute romp, you found spending personal time with Kylo was necessary, and both you and him were always so thankful toward one another for it. 

This night was no different, in that you were enjoying being on top tonight and doing most of the work tonight. Kylo sat there on his back, gloriously naked with his hands tucked behind his head. His eyes were closed and he, just like you, was concentrating hard on finishing. There wasn’t a whole lot of talking, a whole lot of touching and feeling. It had been a long day for you, taking care of a noisy toddler who seemed to be more of a pain than usual. Kylo wanted sex and so did you, but you weren’t willing to take so much time for it. So there you were, chasing your orgasm as quickly as you could until the sound of a little fist banging on the door behind you stopped you cold in your tracks.

“Mamaaa!” Lucy cried, jiggling the door handle. Within seconds you were jumping off of him and covering yourself and Kylo with the blanket. The two of you had just barely enough time to scramble for your clothes that were strewn all over the bed and the floor until the door flew open and in stormed your tiny toddler. She ran like a hurricane from the door to your side of the bed, crying the entire way there.

“Jesus, Luce,” Kylo moaned as he lifted his hips and pulled his pajama pants up. “I swear we need to get her a cage for the top of her crib.”

“Oh, Kylo.” You said, with a bit of a chuckle. You too had managed to pull your pajama shorts up by the time Lucy had made it to the bed. You could spare the shirt because you knew the first thing she was going to ask for once you placed her into the bed. Sure you were disappointed that your time with Kylo had been cut short, but really it had happened so many times now that you learned to get over it. There would be more time to have with Kylo, but Lucy would only be small for so long. You lifted her into bed between you and Kylo and allowed her to snuggle down.

“Boob, mama.” She cried, and with the light still on you noticed something quite odd about her. Her face was red and the tips of her hair were sweaty and sticking to her forehead. 

“You need boob, baby?” You asked, and she nodded her head while once again wailing for boob. You brushed some of the wet hair from her face while she reached for your breast, and found that she was unusually warm. She latched on seconds after lying down, placed both of her hands on her face and immediately began to nurse. You studied her, her warm, wet reddened cheeks, her eyebrows pointing down, and her somewhat labored breathing. Something wasn’t right. 

“Kylo,” You whispered to grab his attention. He turned and looked at you from adjusting himself in his pants. “She’s warm.” You said, looking back down to Lucy. Concern grew over you as you recounted her unusual actions during the day. She was clingy, she was easily agitated and irritated, and she mostly wanted to sit on the floor and watch the cartoons Kylo had sent for her. You knew she was acting strangely, but you didn’t think it was due to her getting sick.

Kylo placed his hand on her forehead and brushed even more of her hair from her face. “She feels fine to me.” He mumbled, which nearly sent you into a frenzy.

“She does not feel  _ fine. _ ” You corrected him. “Do you still have that thermometer? She definitely has a fever.” Lucy became agitated and angrily reached up and pushed Kylo’s hand away, screeching and grazing her teeth on your nipple. It caused you to jump, you hands flying protectively to your breast to save it just in case she did clamp down. Her eyes flew open and stared at you brokenly, then she immediately burst into tears.

“Yeah, I’ll go get it.” Kylo said, starting to show an inkling of worry. You and Lucy were left alone for a few moments while he rummaged about in the bathroom, and when he returned Lucy was in a horrible mood. 

You had to wiggle her arm from her pajamas and hold her still while Kylo tucked the thermometer under her arm. You waited amongst the irritated cries of your daughter, who only wanted to nurse and to sleep. She wiggled and squirmed underneath of you, shouting “no mama” and “no deedee” over and over until the thermometer beeped and could be removed. You stared up at him, watching him as he read the small digital screen. He seemed to study it closely, and when he didn’t say anything you verbally nudged him just a bit.

“Well?” You asked, only to have him grip the test in his hands and look into his lap.

“101.4.” He said with a hefty sigh. The number made your skin crawl. You reached for the test and Kylo handed it to you without any fight. You had to see it for yourself and, sure enough, she was running a fever. “I mean, it’s not that high.” Kylo said, reasoning with himself. It seemed preposterous to you, and you couldn’t believe he was downplaying his child’s first fever.

“I think we need to take her to the medbay.” You said, readjusting her to your side and allowing her to latch onto you. 

“She doesn’t need to go to the medbay, love. It’s her first fever and she’s just trying to fight it off.” You stared at him in disbelief. That was not what you wanted to hear. “She’s, she’s obviously gotten her first cold and her body is working hard to fight it off.” He went onto explain, moving himself onto his back and reaching for his tablet. He was afraid, making excuses for something he knew he needed to do. 

“Right, of course,” You said, sighing to vent your frustration. “She’s never left, so she has no immune system. I forgot.” You watched him closely, waiting for him to admit that you were right and that you  _ needed  _ him to comply with you. But, of course, you didn’t get that. Kylo shut off the light, drowning you in darkness that indicated it was time to go to sleep. To stop bothering him, that he wasn’t going to listen to you, and to go to sleep.

“Just, keep an eye on her.” He said, repositioning himself in bed. “If anything changes, just message me. I’ll come right home.” You rolled your eyes at him, once again ran your hand through Lucy’s hair. You were broken, angry beyond words. You made a silent vow to yourself that  _ you  _ would be responsible for Lucy’s medical care. For now, you’d give him the benefit of the doubt. Maybe it was just a cold that Kylo had brought home, and maybe Lucy was going to have a hard time fighting it because it was her first illness. Maybe you were wrong. But if you weren’t you were prepared to fight for your daughter. 

A few days past, and Lucy did seem to improve. You remembered your midwife telling you that breastmilk was made specifically for your baby, and it would create antibodies for whatever she was suffering with. You nursed her whenever you could, hoping that if it was a cold you could help her get over it. You provided her lots of fluids, used the infant pain medication that was brought over to you during the week you met Lendix.

It did seem like it was a cold.  _ Just  _ a cold that her body had to work too hard to fight off. Her nose became runny and she developed a cough the next day. She also became quite hoarse, and you thought it was because her throat was hurting. You could also imagine she had the chills and body aches and that contributed to her foul mood. Sometimes you’d find yourself asking yourself if a cold could really make her this sick, but you had spoken the truth to Kylo. She had never left the house and the only people she was exposed to was you and Kylo. Her immune system was still essentially brand new and had never experienced any kind of illness. This could have been just a tiny virus that Kylo barely showed any symptoms for because he had gotten it more times than he could count, but when it reached Lucille it took a much greater toll. You followed your motherly instincts and did everything you could to help her overcome this hurdle, to help her heal and kick this awful cold.

Her fever did go down after a few days of close care, and soon she was back to her regular self. For the most part, at least. She still did a lot of lounging around, a lot of napping and a lot of whining. You thought she was just getting over whatever it is she had, just like Kylo said. You were thankful that he didn’t throw it in your face or anything like that when he did notice Lucille was improving. You were sure you wouldn’t have been able to forgive him for that.

One day you were in the kitchen, washing the dishes you had gathered up and placing them at the edge of the counter for the droid to take when it showed up that evening for dinner. Kylo had told you that it was unnecessary, but you couldn’t stand the thought of having dirty dishes sitting in your kitchen all day, so you added the task to your list of daily chores. Lucy was sitting in the living room quietly playing with her toys and watching TV, and the entire scene was quite relaxing for you. Even though she was sick, it was nice to have her sitting still and not getting into everything for once. You had just placed the final plate down on top of the others when a loud, unexpected noise completely threw you off of your groove.

A thunderous knock echoed throughout the foyer and into the kitchen, and that was impressive considering how far away the door was. You peeked dried your hands on the towel that was hanging on the stove handle and peeked around the corner only to be shocked at yet another unnecessarily loud knock. 

“Medbay.” A loud, male voice sounded from the other side, and now you were thoroughly confused. Did Kylo send for the medbay? Why would he have done that when he knew Lucy was improving? You took another step forward before Lucille came crashing into your side, running to investigate the sound just as you were.

“Knock knock!” She yelled jovially, put you pushed her away. Something didn’t seem right about what was going on, and whatever it was you wanted to keep Lucy far away from it.

“There’s been an accident. The Supreme Leader is in critical condition and he’s requesting his wife and his son to be with him. “ The man sounded, and your heart leaped into your throat. 

“What?” You whispered, unsure of how to react.

“Hello!” Lucy shouted, once again moving past you and running to the door.

“Lucy, no!” You whispered, determined to keep her away. What that person said made no sense. You weren’t Kylo’s wife and you didn’t have a son--only a daughter. You were more concerned about Kylo being hurt than anything, but again, you had your suspicions. Could the person have just misunderstood? Was he really hurt and did he really want you by his side? You were panicking, didn’t feel like you could make such an intimidating decision like this on your own. Your hands shook as you held Lucy back, and then you noticed one final detail that raised the last red flag you needed.

A thin black line moving at the foot of the door caught your attention, and when you looked down you could see a tube being fed into your home. You gasped, didn’t even take the time to see what it was before you were lifting Lucy over your shoulder and running to your bedroom. You took a dive for your tablet and typed a message to Kylo, begging him to come home and save you from whatever was going on. It was terrifying, and you thought, if anything, this was the danger he was trying to protect you from. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My apologies for the quicker than normal updates. We're in the home stretch. What I wanted to be the last chapter has officially become the second to last chapter, and I'd really like to wrap this up before Monday, AKA my first day of school. You know how you write things and have visions but those visions branch off into other plot devices? Yeah. That's happened more times than I can count lol. But this is it. Kylo has finally faced his biggest fears in the chapter that I've just finished, and it's time for him to make his decision!


	14. Chapter 14

The message comes in when Kylo is in the middle of leading a meeting about the scavenger girl that had been giving his entire organization problems for years now. Any time he felt like they were close, closer to her or closer to finding his uncle’s hiding spot, the two would slip away; simply dematerialize from his hands. It was frustrating, and Kylo was done playing games. He was going to capture this woman and put an end to her crimes. He was going to imprison her, find the Resistance base and find the whereabouts of his uncle and destroy anyone who got in his way, and this meeting was to hype up, threaten, and encourage all of the Generals and Officers.

He felt the first vibration just when he thought he was getting his points across. When he could feel the anger and heat running through his veins, the vibration at his side was distracting him. It didn’t immediately occur to him that it could be his family, his Lady telling him about his daughter, but when it did, he felt it wasn’t important. She was always sending him pictures and updates on Lucy’s progress during the day, and even though he did enjoy her messages, now was not the time to be admiring his beautiful family.

So he went on. Firing his men up and going over plans one last time, all the while his tablet was going off at his hip. Message after message, he was wondering if it wasn’t her and there was some other emergency going on on the ship. As one of his men is giving him a report on the last mission to retrieve the girl he takes a quick glance at his tablet, unsheathing it long enough for him to see that all of his messages had come from home. There was a total of 12, enough to cover the entire screen and he puts his tablet to rest. He deemed them unimportant and promised he’d take a look when his meeting was over, but then, at the very last second, he feels like he might have misread one of the messages. He quickly brings his tablet back to life and reads over the shortest one:

_ Help us please I’m scared. _

She was scared? What was she scared of? The Officer’s words filter to the back of his mind as his eyes swept some of the other messages

_ Are you hurt? Someone is here saying you’re hurt and you need us. _

_ Kylo he’s banging on the door and cursing. I’m scared. Are you hurt? _

_ They’re feeding some kind of tube under the door and I’m scared. _

_ Kylo please answer me, I’m panicking! _

By then, everything that was being said to him was running in one ear and out the other. He was trying to make sense of what she had sent to him, and no matter how many conclusions he drew none of it made sense. His mind immediately jumps to the worst case scenario, that they were being attacked and he was going to lose his family, and in the middle of the report he’s being given he drops the paperwork he had been going over and runs as fast as his long legs could carry him. He knew the people he had been talking to would be confused, and he could feel all of their confused eyes on him as he rushed out of the meeting room. It didn’t matter to him, because his family was in danger. And he would be damned if anyone was going to harm the smallest hair upon their heads.

The dash to his home only took fifteen minutes, and before he stormed down his hallway he took a moment to calm himself, to feel around with the Force and see what kind of mess he was getting into. By all means, he was prepared to take down whoever it was that was causing his woman so much stress, but he didn’t want to go in guns blazing and potentially cause more harm to his family. He focuses all of his Force energy to give him a rough view of the hallway outside of his home, but he doesn’t feel any raging, uncontrolled energy. Instead he feels one person who is calm, yet frustrated. They’re speaking, but they’re quiet enough so that he can’t hear them from around the corner. He’s furious, and in an instant he’s turning the corner to confront them.

He sees a man dressed in all black sitting on his knees in front of Kylo’s door, facing away from him. He could see he had on a headset and was typing away at a small laptop that was sitting in front of him.

“I swear I picked up some movement in his house,” The man said quietly, and Kylo’s blood boiled in response. “I heard a kid say ‘hello’ and something else, but I’m not getting anything else.” He was looking for them. He was seeking out his family with the tool that he was feeding into Kylo’s home. Kylo was livid, and he wouldn’t allow this to continue. He quietly steps up behind the man, casting a shadow over his crouched form. The man doesn’t realize it, but when he sees the tall shadow overtakes his computer he lifts his head and peers over his shoulder. Kylo watched as the life drains from his face, is completely satisfied when he screams at the top of his lungs, twists his body, and tried to crawl away from him. 

“Supreme Leader Ren!” The man shouts, knocking over his laptop and causing the tube to come loose from his door. He scrambled to his feet and salutes him, shaking the entire way there. Kylo is so furious that he doesn’t know what to do right away. He wants to strangle him, to put an end to this nightmare, but he feels like he’s owed an explanation. Kylo doesn’t have to ask, because after babbling incoherently for a few short moments the man began to explain himself. 

“Good, good afternoon, Supreme Leader Ren!” He said with a nervous grin. “I’m lead reporter Maximus Rodney, for the First Order press.” His voice cracks and he twitches as Kylo readjusts himself on his feet. Clearly the man knew he was in for it, for getting caught spying on the Supreme Leader’s personal quarters. “I’m sure you know, it’s not really a secret anymore, is it? Everyone, and I mean everyone, they think you had a, a, a wife? And a daughter? A son maybe?” Kylo squint his eyes, waiting for him to continue on. He was thankful for his helmet in that moment to hide the fury that was flashing across his face and the blood rising into his face and neck. The sound of Kylo’s leather gloves rubbing together filled the hallway as he tightened his fist, and it drew the man’s attention as his composure unraveled piece by piece. This was about his family, about exposing the most important part of Kylo’s life. This was Kylo’s greatest fear come true right before his very eyes, and he could feel himself losing control.

“Anyway, Supreme Leader. I’ve just come to get your side of the story! I’d like to write a column about you, maybe hear from your wife and your daught--I mean child. I think that the people deserve to know what’s going on in their Supreme Leader’s personal--”

Kylo wouldn’t even let the man finish. He had heard enough. The man was not here because he wanted Kylo’s side of the story, he wasn’t here to “hear” from his woman and his daughter. He was here, feeding a microphone or a camera into his home to expose him. He, nor did anyone else on this ship, deserved to know anything about Kylo’s personal life. If it were important to the Order, Kylo would have brought it to everyone’s attention. But it wasn’t. They were his family, and Kylo refused to share them with anyone. 

Kylo feels no remorse as he draws his saber as quickly as he could, pressed the hilt into the man’s stomach and, before he can even react, ignites it, sending the red, uncontrollable blade shooting through his abdomen, vital organs, and spine. The man’s face mirrors that of his father on the fateful day Kylo ended his life. The shock, the pain, the drain of life that happens before Kylo’s very eyes. It’s a memory Kylo doesn’t want to be reliving. As he watches the man dying on the other end of his saber all of Kylo’s insecurities and fears rush back to him, starting from his painful childhood memories and ending with the fact that this is exactly,  _ exactly,  _ why he didn’t want anyone to know about his family. Because he just knew this would happen. He knew they would be targeted. He retracts his saber and ends the crackling around him, along with the suffering of the man. He falls backward and Kylo can only watch as his life slowly fades away. When it does, and he’s finally alone, he feels he can finally let loose everything he had been holding in.

He barges into his home, happy to see that his family had followed his directions of staying upstairs, and the first thing he does is seek them out. He charges up the stairs and is immediately greeted by his energetic, happy daughter bouncing from her room, her concerned mother not too far behind her. 

“Deedee!” She shouted, lifting her arms in the air. Her toothy grin, cherubic dimples, and excitement to see him were to die for, and just seeing her alive and well here in front of him was enough to momentarily melt away all of his woes. He wastes no time in picking her up, hugging her as close to him as he possibly could. Not only was he worried about losing her so many days ago when she was sick with just a simple cold, thought he had single handedly killed her by, indeed, not allowing her to leave his home, but he truly thought this was the end. He thought someone was going to break into his home and take his family from him, but Lucille was here to prove him wrong.

“Kylo!” His woman ran into his arms, and he hugged her just as close. “Are you hurt? Are you okay?” She asked, clearly still scared for him even though everything she had been told through the door was a lie. It was admirable, showed how much she truly loved him. 

“No, I’m fine. I’m fine,” He consoled her, then leaned back to get a good luck at her. “What about you? Are you hurt?” 

“Deedee, knock knock door!” Lucille cut in, pointing down the stairs. “Deedee, ‘ello door!” Kylo looked at her and smiled through his tears, listening intently to Lucille’s infantile recount of the incident.

“I know, someone knocked on the door.” He said, running his fingers through Lucy’s curly, jet black hair. 

“Who was that guy?” Her mother asked, but Kylo had no answers. He could feel the darkness surrounding him, could feel the guilt beginning to weigh him down as he puts the blame on no one but himself. He couldn’t keep them safe.

And he almost lost them.

Seconds later he finds himself face down on his bed, bawling as he’s overcome with emotion. Is this why his father left him and his mother? Is this why his dad just walked out on him and never came back? Was his chosen profession too dangerous for his family, and to protect him his only option was to leave?

Was that Kylo’s only option too?

His hands shake as his curious daughter taps on the door for the millionth time, begging her “deedee” to come out and see her, and her mother has to lead her away. “Deedee will come out when he’s ready, Luce.” She explains, and it only brings Kylo down even further. He loves them, and he doesn’t want to see them hurt like this. In his panic he thinks the only thing he can do to keep them safe is to simply just let them go. 

The thought alone makes him sob even harder into his pillow. How could he possibly do such a thing? This was his daughter, and her mother that he loved more than anything in the entire galaxy. He wonders if it would be best to resign, to pack his family up an simply flee when no one was looking. He’d be a war criminal, an outlaw and he feels it would be even easier for people to hunt them down at hurt them. He just wants to protect them. He just wants them to be safe and happy, to be able to live without fear. He doesn’t think they can achieve that with him being so close. He has to take them someplace safe.

As much as it hurts him, he spends the next few minutes in a manic episode planning where he was going to take them. He can’t tell them, it would kill Lucille and her mother, and she would fight him the entire way. To him, there just wasn’t any other option. He’d load them into his ship, he’d fly them to the chosen planet, and he’d leave them there to fend for themselves. He can’t live with the fear and the repercussions any longer. 

A knock at his bedroom door caused him to jump. He once again heard Lucille begging for him to come out and see her, but the knock was loud enough that he knew it wasn’t her knocking. 

“Kylo?” Her mother yelled from the other side. “Lendix is at the door. He’s asking for you.” She shouted, and immediately Kylo picked his head up. What would Lendix be doing at his house at this hour? 

“Okay, thank you love,” He stands, wipes his face off the best he can. “I’ll be down in just a moment.” He tries to compose himself, takes off into the bathroom to run some water over his face. When he sees his sad and broken reflection in the mirror, he thinks he’s pathetic. He thinks he’s the worst father there is, and that Lucille deserved so much more than what he could give her. He fights back his tears and tries to focus only on Lendix at his door. With as much confidence as he could muster up, he steps through his bedroom, out into the hall and down the stairs where he’s once again confronted by his easily excitable daughter and her concerned mother. He warns them to step into the living room before he opens his door, and he has to ignore Lucille’s disappointed wails as her mother pulls her away from him. When he’s at the door he takes a deep breath, wipes his eyes with his fists one more time, and then opens the door where he’s shocked to be greeted not only by Lendix, but by his wife and his daughter.

“My Lord,” He stands at attention; his wife on the other hand cannot as she is carrying their daughter on her hip. “I came as soon as I heard the news. Is everyone okay?” Lendix asks him, and Kylo once again grows emotional. His eyes sweep over his daughter, Venus, at her golden blonde hair that sits in a tight bun atop her head, at the bright red pacifier that hides her lips, at her sea green eyes, at her black romper and her little black sneakers. She and Lucille were the same age, but it almost seemed as if Venus were older than her. 

“Yes, everything is perfectly fine, Captain.” Kylo states as calmly as he can, but from the scowls that stare back at him he can tell he is not believed. He leans over just a bit and sees that the body of the reporter is gone from the hallway. Again, Kylo is haunted by the attack on his family and their privacy and can feel the black hole forming in his chest. Even more so that the incident occurred less than an hour ago and had already been reported to different parts of the First Order. Kylo felt like he would have died right then and there.

“May we come on, my Lord?” Lendix asks him in a rather harsh tone, but Kylo jumps at the idea almost immediately. Lendix was the only man he could trust with this information on him, and he was the only person he had to talk to about this pressing issue. He steps aside and lets the trio into his home, commenting on the fact that Venus was free to play with Lucille in the meantime. 

“I’m sure she would love that, Supreme Leader. Right Venus?” Lendix’ wife comments, bouncing her daughter on her hip before setting her down on the floor of his foyer. Kylo watches as the pacifier bobs in and out of her mouth while she takes in her surroundings. She’s precious just like Lucille is, but again Kylo can’t help but to wonder why she looked so different from his daughter. When the doors close he calls out to his woman, and of course Lucille was the first to run from around the corner. The pitter patter of her little feet drew everyone’s attention, and she still ran guns blazing toward Kylo.

She giggled, her eyes locked with Kylo’s until Venus stepped in her way and the two girls fell to the ground, Lucy falling over her like a tank. Venus’ pacifier went flying from her mouth and she began moaning as Lucy rolled off of her, and Lucy was silent the entire time. A look of bewilderment decorated Lucy’s face as she watched Venus stand and turn back to face her, and with the two girls standing together Kylo finally understands why he thought there was something off about Venus.

They were complete opposites of each other. Venus was tall and her frame was much more filled, and her hair was cut much neater. Venus also had more color in her skin, more blush in her cheeks and her hands. Kylo had originally thought the girl was overweight for her age, but looking at them side by side he realized Lucy must be underweight because they looked so drastically different. Lucy was noticeably shorter and much,  _ much,  _ thinner than Venus was, and her hair was much longer since it had never been cut. Lucy’s skin was like porcelain with no color whatsoever, a detail Kylo had never noticed. While he never thought Lucy was neglectfully thin, it was clear there was some kind of disconnect between the two girls. Kylo looks up at his woman and can tell she’s thinking the same thing. Neither of them had been in contact with another child other than their own, and they both now knew there was something wrong. Kylo gulped as he watched the two girls interact, but grew hopeful when he saw Venus reach out to Lucy and point at her with a huge smile on her face.

“Hi baby!” She exclaimed, but Kylo was not expecting Lucy’s reaction at all. He flinched as Lucy let out an eardrum piercing scream, then ran as fast as she could to her mother. Kylo was astounded at his daughter’s fear and finds himself clenching his teeth as his daughter had an absolute meltdown. “Mom, ‘Sa baby!” Venus said, turning around and looking at her mother. Kylo was embarrassed, motioning for his woman to take Lucille out of the equation for the moment.

“Lendix, shall we talk in my bedroom?” He offered, already walking toward his room to escape from the hectic situation.

“Whatever you wish, my Lord.” Lendix says submissively, and he hears him following him toward the stairs. He was hopeful that Lendix would offer him some sort of resolution for his problems, and he had to start by clearing his head free of his daughter’s petrified screams.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll be posting the final three chapters over the next three days. Stay tunned.


	15. Chapter 15

Lucille, your outgoing, fun loving, energetic baby ran to you from across the foyer screaming as if she were being kidnapped. The ghastly look on her face as she ran into your arms and began sobbing was heartbreaking, especially when the object of her fear was just another baby her age. You picked her up and she wrapped her arms and legs tightly around you, nearly choking you as she screamed in your ear. Kylo’s face went pale as he watched the entire thing go down, and Lendix and his wife refused to look at what was going on. You stepped back into the living room just as Kylo led Lendix to his bedroom, trying to console your distraught child. You had no idea what was going on, and truth be told you felt like you could scream just like Lucy. But you couldn’t, you had to keep yourself together.

One good thing about continuing to breastfeed your daughter at such an older age was that it was almost an instant cool down for her. Nursing calmed her, made her stop crying and could instantly change her mood. So as you sat panicking on the couch your daughter sat nursing happily in your lap, looking at you for answers about the three strangers in her house. Nothing was normal today, and you were so upset that Lucy was the one who had to suffer the most.

You picked your head up as you heard footsteps walking into your living room, and felt your heart sink as Lendix’ wife and daughter appeared in the foyer. Her mother had the sweetest smile on her face, while her daughter just stared at you from behind her pacifier. 

“I’m sorry my child scared yours.” She said as sweetly and softly as she could. At the sound of her voice Lucy’s head snapped to the left, trapping your nipple between her teeth and stretching it ever so slightly. You jumped, immediately went to stick your pinky into the side of her mouth to break her latch. That was the downside of continuing to breastfeed: The pain it could be sometimes. Lucille immediately began to whine again, standing to her knees and tucking her face into your neck and taking to sobbing once again. Never in her short life had you seen her so afraid, but you had to remind yourself that she, to her memory, had never met anyone else except for you and Kylo. She especially had never seen anyone her size either. 

Lendix’ wife giggled ever so lightly as you shushed Lucille, trying to keep your composure as she advanced toward you. This was embarrassing, but she didn’t seem to mind.

“Ah, I’m glad I’m not the only one still breastfeeding.” She said, and you finally allowed yourself to smile back at her. At least she knew the struggle and obviously didn’t mind seeing your breast. “Sometimes it’s just the only way, you know?” She asked, now standing there next to you. “I’m Beth, this is my daughter Venus.” She said just as you managed to get Lucille calm enough to latch onto you again. You introduced yourself, scooted down on seat on the couch and invited her to sit with you. After all of that, the woman deserved to at least relax for a while.

“Um, Venus can help herself to any of the toys there in the toy box,” You offered as Lucy once again became unsettled in your arms. At her size she was harder to control, and you really wished she’d just relax and be still. Her teeth clamped down on your nipple as Venus stepped up to you and stared at her, and you couldn’t take it anymore. Your eyes welled with tears as you once again broke her latch. You pitied her, and recognized that Kylo had done this to his own daughter. 

“No worries, dear. I understand.” She smiled at you, and you found solace in her comforting words. You realized this was the first mother you had met since Lucy was born, and she might as well have been your one and only friend you had made in the last nearly 3 years. You wanted to unpack all of your woes, tell her everything you had done with Lucy since day one, and ask her if she thought you were a good mom, but you had to keep it together. You couldn’t scare your new friend away, but there was something you just had to get off your chest.

“I mean, she wouldn’t be this afraid of strangers if Kylo would let us leave the house.” You said amongst Lucy’s screams. In an instant the stress of the situation hit you. The attack from outside, Lucy’s fear and screaming, a headache that was now developing in the forefront of your mind, and the fulfilling feeling of having a new friend, of seeing a new face that wasn’t Kylo’s or Lucy’s. You lost control of your emotions and soon everything became a blur and you were openly crying in front of Beth, desperately drying your eyes as to not embarrass yourself any further. “I’m so sorry that this had to be our introduction.”

“Yeah, Gren told me when this all went down. It’s no way for a child to live, let alone you.” Again, her understanding brought you to your knees figuratively. Someone else  _ did  _ understand that not leaving the house was bad for you and your daughter, and it would seem all it took for Kylo to understand was seeing a child that had lived a normal life next to his. It was clear as day. While Lucy was not starving, was not being neglected or being abused, you could clearly tell that one child was able to explore areas other than their home, socialize with strangers, and receive the proper nutrition in order to grow and put on weight normally. Your daughter was pale, unsocialized, and not eating the way she was supposed to. Had you failed Lucy alone, or had Kylo failed both you and Lucy? Surely if Lucille were this affected, you would be too. 

You broke down into morbid tears, both Lucy and Venus staring at you as if you had lost your mind. You were starting to feel more like you and Lucy were Kylo’s prisoners; Kylo’s well taken care of, happy hostages. You thought you hadn’t done enough, hadn’t pressed him in order to get him to let you have more freedom. What about Lucy? Why hadn’t you thought of vitamins, or cooking your own foods for her? This could have all been avoided if you had put your foot down and told Kylo what you knew you and your daughter needed. 

“This is all my fault,” You sobbed as Beth wrapped her arm around you. It would seem all of the stress and guilt you had the last 2 years had finally come to a head, and was erupting here right in front of a stranger. “I should've never let this happen. I should have remembered my birth control. Then Lucy would never be involved in this fiasco!” 

“Oh, lovely,” Beth moaned as she held you close. “That’s a horrible way to think. It’s very clear to me that you love and value your family, and Kylo does the same. You’ve worked together to find some middle ground in caring for each other, and you and him have given your daughter the best life you could possibly give her, given the unfortunate circumstances.” She did her best to reassure you, but you still felt broken. All you could do in response was nod, and luckily for you her speech was not over.

“Gren tells me he could see this coming. He’s familiar with Kylo’s fear and he knew people would catch onto the rumors sooner or later. He told me it’s doubtful that enemies would even be able to get close enough to you to harm you, and that Kylo was worried over nothing. But what Snoke did to him definitely left some lasting trauma, and Gren could only hope that Kylo got the help he needed to release the grip Snoke holds on his mind.” You picked your head up, wiped your eyes as you looked at her, begging her for answers to the questions Kylo had kept from you for so long.

“Hi baby.” Venus mumbled around her pacifier below you, causing Lucille to press her face into your chest. You hadn’t even noticed that Lucille was beginning to open up to Venus, and it would seem that they were making progress just as you were. 

“He’s never told me about what Snoke did to him,” You admitted, wiping your face dry. “He once told me he was afraid to love, and that Snoke was dead and couldn’t hurt him anymore, but that’s all.” A sad smile settled on her face, and you hardly felt judged by her. If anything, she looked like she still understood you, that she was adamant that none of it was your fault. It was exactly what you needed and, as Lucy turned in your lap to interact with the curious toddler at your feet, you found yourself inadvertently scooting closer to Beth.

“That’s what I think Gren is talking to him about upstairs. Gren wants nothing but to help you and your family, and when the news broke that a reporter had been killed outside of your home he knew now was the time to have the conversation.” 

“It was a reporter?” You asked. Kylo had never told you who was outside of the door today, and you were shocked to find it was a reporter of all people. You thought it was a bad guy trying to lure you out of your home to kidnap you, but no. It was a reporter, and apparently Kylo had killed him. 

“Yes dear. Hasn’t Kylo told you about the rumors?” You felt empty as you shook your head. It was then you realized that Kylo had been keeping you out of the loop, hiding things from you that had officially put your life in danger. In your lap Lucille had gone back and forth between looking at Venus and hiding in your shirt, and as you sat there numbly you felt like you had to have a conversation with Kylo, and you needed to have it  _ now.  _

“I need to talk to him,” You mumbled, staring straight ahead. Your fight or flight response kicked in, and with Lucille hoisted onto your hip you stood and began to exit the living room.

“Oh, if you’re going upstairs you can leave Lucille here.” Beth offered, holding out her hands to you to receive her. 

“Oh, are you sure?” You asked, feeling unsure of yourself. “I think she’s going to cry.” You watched as Venus followed you, clearly interested in playing with Lucille. She lifted her little finger and pointed up at you, exclaiming Lucille was “her baby” around her pacifier. You thought she was adorable, and you so wished she and Lucille would play and get along.

“It wouldn’t be the first time, dear.” She smiled at you, standing and taking the few steps over to you. “I can deal with crying babies.” You stared at her, trusting her enough that you handed Lucy to her a short time later. Just as you thought, Lucy screamed at the top of her lungs and reached out to you. You had flash backs to the night she was born, when the midwife took her from you so that you could rest. You were feeling guilty, especially since you were leaving her with a stranger to take care of her fear and not you. But this was an important conversation that needed to be had between you and Kylo. You had to leave Lucy in the hopes that everything would be resolved for her sake. You took a deep breath, dug into the depths of your body to pull any amount of confidence you had. This conversation needed to happen 18 months ago when Lucy was born, but now was better than never.

Outside of the door you heard Lendix recite a familiar phrase:

_ “This is not how a child should live, my Lord.”  _ It was the same thing Beth had said to you downstairs, and you were happy to learn that the two of them thought the same. _ “To be deathly afraid of strangers is a dangerous trait to possess, and they’re only targeting you because you’re trying so hard to hide them. Imagine what the General will think when this incident reaches him. My Lord, it is imperative that you address the matter publicly.” _

Hearing the seriousness in his voice was troubling, and you were reminded once again that this fiasco was left only up to Kylo to fix. But it involved you and Lucille, and you had to include your thoughts and feelings. You placed your hand upon the door, thinking back to how many times Kylo had told you he would keep you safe and healthy. You didn’t feel safe, and Lucille clearly wasn’t healthy. Something had to change, and it was up to you to push the conversation forward. You knocked on the door first, and when everything went silent you took it as permission to enter.

You opened the door and peered around, only able to see Lendix standing there in the middle of your bedroom. You opened the door a little bit further and you could see Kylo sitting on the edge of your bed, and boy did he look rough. His face was reddened and wet, his hair was wild and he was hunched over, sulking over his knees as if he were exhausted. Defeated. Anguished. Whatever Lendix had said to Kylo just knocked the energy right out of him, but that wouldn’t stop you from speaking with him about the matter.

Lendix smiled at you, but Kylo didn’t even pick up his head. 

“Lady Ren,” Lendix nodded at you, but with the tension in the air and the fear in your heart you couldn’t find it within you to respond. Instead you turned to Kylo, crossing your arms and taking his pitiful look in. You couldn’t let him sulk like this. Given what the two of you had been through today, there had to be some solution that could be met to make everyone happy. “I’ll leave the two of you alone.” Lendix said, clearing his throat and heading toward the door. That was exactly what the two of you needed, and by the time he had finally left you alone you felt your fearful walls crumbling. Kylo was here, you were here, and it was time to progress with him.

“Are you okay?” You whispered to him, and he finally picked up his head to look at you. He looked so broken, so exhausted, so drained. You hated seeing him like this. He didn’t deserve to feel like this and you just wanted him to be happy. 

“Please don’t leave me.” He whispered, and it hit you that it was the first time he had said that since before Lucille was born. You weren’t going to leave him, but Beth had brought up a good point.  _ This was no way for your family to live.  _

“I don’t want to leave you, Kylo.” You said, taking his face in your hands and drying his tears. “Did he tell you?” You asked him, wondering if he had given you the same conversation Beth had with you. 

“He said this can’t continue, but I don’t know if I’m strong enough to put an end to it.” He wished, and another tear rolled down his cheek. 

“What is the best solution?” You asked him. It took everything you had to not break down and cry in front of him. You needed to be strong when Kylo couldn’t be, and you were determined to come up with a fix for this situation today. Kylo only shook his head, allowed his lip to quiver as he looked back down to his feet. “Kylo,” You mumbled frustratingly. “There must be something that you can do. Something  _ has  _ to change. You saw how afraid Lucille was of Venus, saw how, just, different she is. Living out the rest of our lives in your quarters isn’t an option anymore. It’s taking too much of a toll on us and I know you can see it now.” You begged Kylo to understand, but you could see him retreating away from you. “Kylo, please just talk to me!” You begged, trying to hide the crack in your voice. 

“I guess it’s time I tell you the truth,” He said, leaning up and wiping the tears from his face. “About why I was so afraid when Lucy was born, about why I was so afraid to love you two.” His confession caused your skin to break out in goosebumps. This is what you had been waiting two years for, and you were all for it. 

The entire story, start to finish, took a total of twenty minutes. Twenty minutes of watching Kylo confront his demons, of watching him in agony as he tried to hold his tears back, then watching him fail and break down into sobs there in front of you. Fleur, Snoke, the abuse that he faced, and the extreme lengths he went to in order to hide you and Lucille from the world around you. It broke your heart ten times over. Everything started to make sense; feeding Lucille from his plate, not allowing you to be in the foyer when the door was open, and bringing doctors to you instead of taking you to see them. He distanced himself from Lucille not because he didn’t love her, but because he did love her and he didn’t want someone to take her away from him. It was one of the most twisted and horrifying stories you had ever heard. Kylo was truly a scarred and abused man.

“And, this reporter. He’s just confirmed my fears. He fed a microphone through the door and tried to record the two of you. Lendix tried to tell me he was just a reporter and had no ill intent, but I don’t know what he was going to do with that information!” He tried to explain, but to you he wasn’t being rational.

“But, Kylo,” You stopped him, rushing up and placing your hands on his shoulders in a desperate attempt to calm him down. “That should only tell you that people do know about us. If there are rumors that have spread all the way to Lendix’ territory, then people already know! There’s no harm in allowing Lucy to go to school, or taking us out to another planet for a date, or anything like that.” You assured him, but from the way he ripped himself from your hands and wandered over to the corner of the room, you could tell he didn’t believe you.

“I’m scared.” Kylo whimpered. “I can’t let anyone take you away from me. You and Lucille, you are the best things that have ever happened to me, just like Fleur. I can’t lose you!” 

“You don’t have to lose us, Kylo!” You shouted, finally feeling like you had the upper hand in the conversation. “You have to think about us. You told me so many times that you’d take care of me, and Lucille. You told me you’d keep us safe. I never doubted you, I always had faith in you that you’d never let anyone hurt us. Kylo, I love you. Lucille loves you. I understand that you’re afraid, I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t afraid too. I haven’t left your home in three years, and obviously Lucille is afraid of the outside too. But you saw how sick she got when you brought home a cold that didn’t even affect us. She got a 100 degree fever, all from a little cold! There must be something you can do. Increase the security, or something! I’m telling you, Lucille and I can’t live like this. It’s not healthy for us, Kylo. Please tell me you understand!” Your own tears began to drip down your face as you pleaded with him, but you didn’t feel like you were making any progress.

The conversation went back and forth, with Kylo telling you he was too afraid to allow you more freedom and you giving him alternatives. You had made no progress, and you were beginning to wonder if Kylo understood the magnitude of the situation. You thought you really were going to have to call it quits with Kylo and walk out of here without him, something you knew would tear the hearts of all three members of your family. It was something you didn’t want to do, you wanted to stay with the man you loved, but being stuck in his home wasn’t an option. You ground your teeth, balled your fists as you prepared to give Kylo your ultimatum. Either he made the changes necessary to get over his fears and give you and Lucille more freedom, or you were leaving him. You opened your mouth only to find it slamming shut yet again, and you were frozen in place. You flashed your eyes to Kylo and found him holding his hand up to you, a look of urgency plastered across his face.

“No, you, you can’t say things like that.” You hadn’t said anything, but he had read your mind and saw what you were planning. “Please, I’ll do anything. I can’t lose you like I lost her.” Kylo begged, stepping closer to you. He finally released you and you stumbled backward. He caught you by the shoulders and held you tight and you shook your head at him.

“Promise me you’ll take us out.” You begged. “Promise me you’ll tell everyone about your family that you love so much. Promise you won’t keep us locked in here forever.” 

“I’ll, I can do better than that.” Kylo whispered, looking deep into your eyes. His hands slipped from your shoulders, down your arms, and to your wrists where he lightly took ahold of your fingers. You watched as his entire body quaked, took one step away from you and sunk down to one knee. You swallowed, allowed your mouth to fall wide open as you watched him grow emotional yet again. Never in your time with Kylo did you think this would be happening to you. But it was, and the next words out of his mouth only confirmed what was probably the next most exciting thing to happen to you since the birth of your baby.

“Will you marry me?” Kylo asked you with tears pouring down his face. In that moment, the word no was the furthest thing from your mind. You collapsed to your knees and wrapped your arms around his neck, muttering the word yes in his ear for only him to hear. He was Kylo Ren. Your lover, your best friend, the father of your daughter, and now, your husband to be.


	16. Chapter 16

“I love you,” Kylo whispered in your ear. “I love you, and I want to marry you.” Everything he was saying to you was so sweet and lovely, but you couldn’t let him lose sight of what was most important.

“If, if I marry you, will you please let us leave the house?” You asked him, leaning away and placing your forehead on his. You were determined to not let this distract you from the issue at hand. He didn’t reply right away, and you took it upon yourself to remind him of what this conversation was really about. “Marrying me won’t keep me any safer being trapped in this house. Lucille and I--”

“I’ll hold a worldwide ceremony in front of the entire ship. I’ll have it broadcasted to every corner of the galaxy.” Kylo said, and a smile broke over your face. Kylo had never lied to you about something he was going to do, and when he promised you he’d make your marriage public you had no reason to doubt him. “It’s going to be hard for me, but I promise you I’ll do it if you’ll spend the rest of your life with me.” 

“I don’t want this to be hard on you, Kylo,” You interjected, taking his face in your hands. “I don’t want to force you into doing this. I want you to do this because you want us to thrive. And because it’s the right thing.” He let out a sigh, blowing a hot puff of air onto your face. The idea stressed even you out, but you knew it was a need at this point. He nodded his head against you, brought his hands down to your hips and held you tightly.

“Anything. I can’t promise that it will be soon, but it will happen. I promise you that.” You smiled at him, nuzzled into his neck and basked in your adoration of him. 

“I trust you,” You admitted. “I love you, and I trust you." The two of you sat there in a loving embrace. You never wanted to let go of the man you had loved so much, the man that was finally putting his fears aside in order to care for his family. 

Both you and Kylo took a moment to compose yourselves, to get yourselves together and appear confidently before your guests downstairs. You exited the bedroom and went down the steps hand in hand, taking in the sight of Beth sitting at the bottom of your steps. Before her eyes turned to you she was looking on at the sight of Lendix pushing the tricycle around the foyer; Venus posted in the front peddling and steering while Lucille hitched a ride in the bucket. While Venus was smiling and having the time of her life, Lucille gripped the sides of the wagon looking nervously up at Lendix who was right next to her. Lendix wasn’t going nearly as quickly as Kylo often did with her, but you had to imagine she was having at least the smallest bit of fun. 

All eyes set on you and Lucille immediately perked up, her eyes widening and a hearty smile settling on her once unsure face. “Mama, deedee!” She exclaimed, standing to her feet inside of the bucket. Your motherly instincts immediately kicked in and you found yourself rushing from the bottom step, past Beth, and up to the kids only to watch as Lendix lifted her from the wagon and set her soundly on the floor. Lucy looked up at him confused for a second while Venus stared inquisitively down at her newfound little friend.

“Get in, ‘Cille.” She asked, reaching back and patting the wagon Lucy was once in, but Lucy had her sights set on you. You happily accepted her into your arms, lifting her up so that Kylo could interact with her too.

“You sure have a sweetheart on your hands.” Beth said above Lucille’s babble to you. You thanked her, and when Lucille noticed Beth was giving her attention she turned fearfully to Kylo and held her hands out to him. You smiled at her, then had to step out of Kylo’s way as he pushed past you and Beth on the stairs and walked right up to Lendix.

“I want to marry her,” He stated, his voice full of confidence. “I want to marry her and I want our ceremony to be in front of the entire ship.” You smiled proudly at the back of his head. It sounded like this was happening for sure and you were all for it. Lendix smiled back at him as Venus ran straight up to Kylo’s feet, reaching her little arms in the air desperately trying to get her friend Lucille to play with her again. 

“That sounds like an excellent choice, my Lord,” Lendix beams, pulling his daughter away from Kylo just as she started to cry. “Did you happen to set a date?” He asks, and by the nervous glance Kylo flashed at you over his shoulder, you could tell he hadn’t given any thought as to when the two of you would present yourselves to the entire galaxy as husband and wife. 

“Probably not any time soon, but it’s still high on my priority list.” He said, adjusting Lucy in his arms and turning back to Lendix. It was disappointing to hear that it wouldn’t be happening soon, but you knew Kylo was still deathly afraid of revealing the existence of your family. It wasn’t like he could marry you tomorrow. He wouldn’t be healed that quickly

“Of course, my Lord,” Lendix said, nodding his head. Kylo set Lucille down as Lendix began to go into details about how he was married to Beth on the Finalizer, and as they talked the two girls stared at each other. You thought it really was alarming at how scared Lucy was of Venus when all Venus wanted to do was play with her. Again, it was all due to the fact that Lucille only had two people to socialize with during her year and a half of life. You wondered how you could combat this in the future, because you felt so awful for her. Remembering what your midwife told you the day Lucy was born, you wondered what the odds were that Kylo would allow more children to come onto the Supremacy, or him being willing to pack his family up and move into a territory where children were welcome. Either way, Lucy would need more interaction with other children.

You sat down next to Beth and welcomed Lucille into your lap, and of course Venus wasn’t too far behind you. “‘Cille, have this.” She said, holding out one of Lucille’s toy bottles for her baby doll. Lucille stared at it, took it reluctantly and then turned her head into your chest. Venus stared on brokenheartedly at the back of Lucy’s head, and you heard Beth giggle there next to you.

“You know, Venus doesn’t get to play with other kids her age too often,” She said, lifting Venus into her lap. “It sounds like you and Ren have made a lot of progress. We’d love to have you guys over to our home one day.” Her invite to you was warm and full of love, so much so that you found yourself glowing at the thought. You became overly excited at the thought of going over to a new home, your new friend’s home none the less so you could watch your daughters play, laugh, and learn together. “We only had her here today because we had business to attend to on this ship and my son was too busy with his friends to stay with his sister.”

“That sounds like a lot of fun, for all of us.” You said, beaming up at Kylo as he discussed his matters with Lendix. He had shoved his hands in his pockets and was looking stressfully at the ground. He was overwhelmed and you found just a little bit of his uneasiness transferred over to you. You knew this was going to be incredibly hard on him, but you knew he could do it. He loved you. He’d do anything for you and you’d be there every step of the way for him.

Four Months Later

You urged Kylo to speak with a Therapist in the days after his proposal to you. He explained that therapy had been frowned upon by Snoke, that he was forced to work through his problems on his own or risk being humiliated by his master. You had to remind him that Snoke wasn’t here. He wasn’t here to hurt Kylo, humiliate him, or force him to kill the people he loved anymore. Kylo had to make his own decisions, and you wanted him to start with one that would allow him to transition into this new part of his life as easily as possible.

He did cave eventually, inviting a therapist into his home to speak with him once a week, and every other week you would be included in his session as well. There you uncovered your plans and resolutions as an engaged couple, how you wanted to live your lives together in the future, and what your personal hopes were for yourself, him, and your daughter. You thought it really did him well in the long run. He eventually opened up to having Lendix and his family over for dinner a few nights a month, as well as medical personnel that came to give both you and Lucille check ups. He even allowed a wedding planner to come over and help plan out your larger than life wedding. In a few weeks you were allowed to stand in the foyer as he came and left, and when the count down for your wedding finally ended, you had a plethora of people come to your home to pamper you before your big day.

By now, Lucille had gotten used to at least seeing the Lendix family on a regular basis, and Beth and Venus had come over to keep her company while you prepared for your big day. Kylo wasn’t home, and instead was preparing for the wedding on another part of the Supremacy. The two of you had been abiding by the rule of not seeing each other until you walked down the aisle, and it was the most exciting feeling ever. Kylo had someone do your hair, nails, and makeup. Days earlier you were fitted for a dress that you had picked out, and when the entire thing came together you felt like absolute royalty. Even Lucille, who was only about to turn two in a few months, was dressed like an actual princess and ready to walk down the aisle with you. 

The two of you wore nearly identical white, fancy dresses with embroidered red roses in parts of the skirt portion, and while you had a veil covering your eyes Lucille had a crown made of white roses that sat in her long, curly black hair. Lucy would hold a basket that contained various types of flowers that she was to throw on the ground there next to you, but even though you and Beth had coached her so many times you didn’t expect her to actually do anything. Kylo said he wanted everyone onboard the Supremacy to witness his wedding to you, and you were sure she, just like you, would be intimidated by the number of people there would be before her. 

When you finally got to see Lucille after getting yourself ready you were nearly moved to tears. She was so beautiful and so jovial as she ran up to you with Venus by her side. “Mama, peetee.” She said with a huge smile, running her hands down your dress. “Mama, boo-ti-ful!” You had to fight the urge to cry at her honest, encouraging words. She thought her mama was pretty and beautiful on her wedding day.

Leaving the house was yet another hurdle you found to be overwhelming as well. For the last three years you had been stuck in this house. For three years you saw the same people come in and out, and you could hardly remember what the Supremacy even looked like. When the doors finally opened and you were invited to step out and have your first taste of freedom, you almost wanted to call the entire thing off.

“Work,” Lucy exclaimed, holding your hand tight. When Lucy began to talk you and Kylo had taught her that the outside was work, and only daddy could go to work. “Deedee go work.” She pointed to the open doors and said again, and you could feel your hand sweating around hers.

“We’re going to work today, Luce,” You said, and she looked up at you inquisitively. You took a step toward the door with everyone else following you, and your reluctance grew as Lucy pulled away from you. 

“No go work, mama.” She whined, and you thought for sure she was thinking you were leaving her here. After all, she had never gotten to leave her home. Why would she think you were taking her? 

“No, no, Lucy,” You said, looking down at her and drinking in her worried expression. “You’re going with mama. We’re going to meet daddy.” Your stomach was tumbling inside of you and you bit back the urge to vomit out of nervousness. You should have seen this coming and prepared better for it. Both you and Lucy were afraid of the outside, afraid of something that seemed so intimidating.

“Don’t be scared,” Beth said, coming up behind you and resting a hand on your shoulder. “I’ll be with you every step of the way.” She reassured you, and you smiled back at her. Kylo had told you that he increased the security of his hallway, and that he’d have armed guards escort you to the wedding. For some reason, you weren’t afraid of anyone hurting you until it actually came time for you to leave. You shut your eyes, took a deep breath and held on tight to Lucy’s hand as you took your first steps outside of your home, into the light and into what was basically brand new territory for you. You felt safe. You felt loved. You felt Kylo reaching out to you with the Force.

_ I’m right here with you. Please don’t be scared. _

Don’t be scared. Today was your wedding day. You couldn’t be scared.

Beth and Venus departed as you and Lucy made it to the space that had been cleared for your wedding. Kylo told you it was a meeting hall that held upwards of thousands of people, a stage, and he even had a wall removed so it could hold thousands more. He told you people were thrilled to hear he was getting married, and everyone wanted to attend but only so many people could. He said there would be cameras that would broadcast your wedding to all corners of the galaxy, and everyone would know that you were becoming the official Lady Ren. As you stood outside of the doors your heart beat rapidly in your chest. Your face and your daughter’s face would be seen by anyone and everyone who wanted to watch the Supreme Leader’s wedding, and you’d be lying if you said you weren’t nervous, yet overly excited about the entire thing. Kylo Ren really was showing you off to the world, and everyone would know that you were now his wife. 

Lucy was still on edge, whimpering and whining as you stood outside of the doors. Your poor daughter was nervous, mumbling for her “deedee” because she knew he could keep her safe. You could hear the organ playing from the other side of the door and knew it would be time to walk down the aisle soon, but you couldn’t walk in there in front of thousands of people and cameras with her being so nervous. 

“Hey, beautiful,” You said, squatting down and balancing yourself on your high heels as well as you could. “There’s no reason to be scared. Your mommy is here, and deedee is just on the other side of the door.” You reassured her, running your hands down her face. She nodded her head, pointing at the door and moaning for her daddy once more. “Listen, Luce. Just hold onto mommy’s hand. Okay? Hold onto mommy’s hand, and look for daddy.” You said just as the doors opened, revealing an entire auditorium full of people. The two of you turned your heads at the same time, watching as everyone dressed in black and white stood to greet you. Officers and Generals removed their hats and Storm Troopers removed their helmets. The tune to  _ Here Comes the Bride  _ began to play loud and clear, and you knew it was your cue to begin your walk. You took a deep breath, gripped Lucille’s hand tight in yours and did your best to smile. Once you got to the end of the aisle you would be with your one true love, and that’s all you really wanted.

You found the act of simply walking through the mass of people to be a lot less stressful than you thought. Even though you were calm and as relaxed as you could be, you could tell Lucille was overwhelmed. She wasn’t crying, but she was absolutely silent, and when you looked down she was staring at the people who stared back at her full of curiosity and adoration. 

_ “So, he  _ does  _ have a daughter.”  _ You heard one person say to your left. 

_ “She looks exactly like him, my god.” _

_ “How did he hide them for so long?” _

_ “She’s beautiful.” _

_ “She’s adorable!”  _

_ “They make the most perfect family.” _

Your heart soared as the compliments continued in quiet whispers, surrounding you and Lucy with the love that you deserved but were deprived of all these years. For years you were just a rumor, just a figment of people’s imagination. You were someone they knew nothing about, and thus they cast their own prescription of you to other people To some, you were just a lover. To some, you were a devoted mother caring for a child that was brought on by rape in secrecy. To some, you and Lucy didn’t exist at all. But now, you were you. You’d have the opportunity to show the entire galaxy who you and Lucille were. Another burst of energy shot through your chest as you looked on at everyone smiling at you, at the photographers that were snapping photos of you left and right. It didn’t even occur to you to look up at Kylo, but when you did your heart came to a standstill.

He stood at the altar, Lendix and his son right behind him and Beth on the other side where you were supposed to stand. His hands were clasped in front of him and tears poured freely down his face. His eyes swept down your body to your daughter, and for a moment you watched him mouth Lucille’s name before he locked his eyes with you. His mouth fell open and you watched him take a deep breath. Anyone who would have seen him would have been able to see him profusely bleeding love for his family. There was no doubt about it. 

You were nearing closer and closer to the altar, and when Lucille picked her head up to look straight ahead and saw Kylo, her hand slipped from yours and you couldn’t catch her fast enough. She took off running, stepping up the stairs and dropping the basket of flowers at her feet. You watched as they tumbled down the stairs, trying to laugh off the embarrassment but then melted as Kylo received her, picking her up and hugging her close to him. She wrapped her small arms around his neck and looked out into the crowd, closing her eyes as everyone erupted in laughter and “awwing” at the scene. 

You hurried your way to the altar, the bouquet of flowers held in both hands now and took your spot there in front of Kylo and Beth. You stared at the emotional scene in front of you and tried to keep it together in fear of having your makeup run, but you couldn’t help the few tears that dripped down your face. Once again, Kylo made good on his promise to you. He was showing you off proudly to the entire galaxy. You couldn’t ask for anything more.

“Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you Lord and Lady Kylo Ren, and their two and a half year old daughter, Lucille Eden Ren.” Spoke the priest, and at the mention of your title you were met with even more applause. “These two people come before you today in order to make the finest, most important commitment to one another. To have and to hold, to care for and to love one another for the rest of their lives.” You were giddy as the priest spoke on about whatever it was he was supposed to say. Everyone in the auditorium was quiet, save for the clicking noises of the many cameras that were capturing the passing moments. You thought for sure this was going to be more intimidating than it actually was, and instead you found yourself basking in the glow. Before you knew it the priest was saying the iconic words: “You may now kiss your bride.” 

You stared up at Kylo with a huge smile on your face, looking him deep into his eyes as Lucille streatched her arms and held onto his face. She still looked out into the crowds, but Kylo wouldn’t let that stop him from the most important part of this wedding. He shifted Lucille in his arms so that she was facing you, wrapped his free arm around your shoulders and pulled you into him. His lips came crashing against yours and, in a split second, you became the Ren you were meant to be when you first showed up to Kylo’s door so many years ago.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> On this episode of Jennifer is an English Major trying to become an editor, we find out that Jennifer spelled the word neck as "kneck" not once, but twice in the second chapter of this story and didn't notice until a month later. I swear I love editing I just hate editing my own work lol.  
> This is technically the final chapter, but I have a nice little epilogue to post tomorrow. Believe me when I say this story is nothing like what I originally planned it to be. The two might as well be completely different stories now lol. Next chapter is just an excuse for me to write out one more time in their lives that I couldn't because they married so much quicker than I anticipated. Stay tuned!


	17. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One more short chapter, because I wasn't ready to say goodbye to my favorite family.

Four Years Later

Today was the day. It was Kylo’s birthday, and the surprise party you and Lucille had been planning for days now. You thought for sure your chatterbox seven year old daughter would have given the news away by now, considering the fact that her mouth ran a million miles a minute at all hours of the day to anyone that would listen. One time you had timed her on your tablet Kylo had gifted you on your wedding day, and from the time you picked her up from school to the time she had finished her snack, a full 48 minutes and 32 seconds, she talked non stop until she became distracted by something on the TV. She took a short break to pay attention to her show, and then went on to tell you more about her day at school. In fact, one of your favorite photos you had taken of Kylo and Lucy was that of a day he had come home from work too stressed out about everything going on in his work life. Lucy sat next to him on the couch talking his ears off until Kylo fell asleep, his arms crossed and his head tilted back as Lucy’s cartoon played just below her voice. You laughed as you snapped a picture, and when you showed Kylo that evening all he could do was shake his head. Lucy loved to talk, but luckily for you, she did not spoil Kylo’s surprise birthday party. 

“Mommy, for my surprise birthday party can you invite Venus and Valerie and Malcolm? I think I want to be surprised by them when I turn eight.” She said as the two of you crouched behind the couch, going on and on about what friends she wanted to invite to her party. For a child that was held captive for the first three years of her life, she sure became a social butterfly. From what Lucy’s teachers had told you, everyone wanted to be her friend. She had many friends over after school, but her best friend was always Venus, her “twin sister” as she liked to refer to her as, found her way into your home most often. Once the girls became school-aged Lendix moved his permanent residence to the Supremacy for various reasons, and both Lucy and Venus were excited to learn they'd both be attending the same school together. The two girls became inseparable, and Lucille considered Venus to be her best friend over anyone else she knew. Little did she know that she’d be receiving a new friend for Kylo’s birthday.

The minutes ticked by and Lucy chattered away. You could just barely hear the front doors open and you had to shush her, place your hand over her mouth to quiet her as to not give away your hiding place. She giggled as she stared at you, listening for Kylo's footsteps as they got closer and closer. He could often find you and Lucy in the living room when he returned home from work, and when you were certain he was standing there looking for you, you tapped Lucy on the shoulder, counted from three to one, and then jumped up.

“Happy birthday daddy!” You and Lucy shouted in succession, and you watched as Kylo jumped, startled by your surprise. He turned around, his face full of bewilderment before melting into one of relaxation. Your attempts at celebrating Kylo’s birthday in the past were all shot down by him. He worked so hard that he never wanted to take time off, he never wanted to have a date night with just you and him, he never wanted to leave the Supremacy. So this year, you decided to spring a party on him by surprise. You had it all, homemade cupcakes, one present from you and one from Lucy, and you were determined to make today a good day for him.

“Daddy, did you see us?” Lucy cried out, running from around the couch and hugging Kylo. She smiled brightly up at him, and he pushed back her shoulder length hair to get a good look at her face. “Did we scare you? Mommy and I were trying to scare you cause it’s a…” She jumped up, throwing her arms in the air and absolutely beaming at her proud father. “Surprise party for you, daddy! Were you surprised?!” 

“I sure was surprised, toothless,” Kylo said with a chuckle. He started calling Lucy toothless when she began losing her teeth. At the moment, while her front teeth were already half grown in, she was missing the next two teeth on either side. She was a growing girl, and she loved her daddy and his nicknames for her. “You and mom did a great job.” You came from around the corner, the gift you had spent weeks preparing for him held tightly behind your back. You opened your mouth to start to sing happy birthday to him, but, as was to be expected, Lucy cut her way into the conversation yet again.

“Time for gifts!” She nearly screamed, running up behind you and pulling at the box in your hands. “Here, mommy, I want to give it to him.” She mumbled, and you knew you had already lost this battle before it even began. You released the rectangular shaped gift to her, admiring the way the ruby red wrapping paper sparkled in the light of your living room. This was it. Kylo was having his first real birthday surprise. 

Lucy trotted over to Kylo and shoved the gift into his hands, frothing at the mouth about how you had made it just for him, and that you worked so very hard on it. She didn’t even know what it was, just what you had told her about it. It was the best kept secret you ever had, and you were so excited to watch Kylo open it. 

“Thank you, baby.” Kylo said as he moved past her to sit on the couch. You stood there in front of him, fiddling with your hands as he unwrapped it and then pulled the top off. The first thing he would have seen was the note you had written on a pink sticky note. 

_ We forgot again! _

Then he would have seen the ultrasound photos of your second daughter. 

His face went white as he uncurled the black and white photos from the positive pregnancy test you had hidden away from him for weeks, and his jaw dropped as he laid his eyes on the exact same type of test that told him about his first daughter. You were 16 weeks pregnant, and you had been hiding it from Kylo and Lucy this entire time.

16 weeks of sneaking to the medbay behind Kylo’s back while Lucy was at school. 16 weeks of wearing baggy clothes so that Kylo wouldn’t grow suspicious of your growing belly. 16 weeks of repressing your emotions, of fighting the urge to tell him the good news. 16 weeks of being sneaky had finally paid off. Now Kylo knew that he was starting this whole experience all over again, and he’d have new opportunities that he never had with Lucy.

“What is this, daddy?” Lucy asked him, taking the photos in her hands just as he set them down. “Is this a baby? It looks like a baby.” 

“It is a baby, Luce.” Kylo said, looking up at you. For a moment, he looked stunned, shocked, like he didn’t believe what you had just handed him. “Mommy is having a baby.” The words fell from his mouth, and after just seconds the realization hit him and the biggest, most enthusiastic smile spread across his face. 

If someone would have taken you aside in the days after you found out you were pregnant with Lucille and told you that, one day, Kylo would have gotten you pregnant again and, instead of reacting with severe panic and anxiety, he would be filled with joy, you would have never, ever believed them. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story will forever hold a special place in my heart. I'm so sad to see it go, but all good things must come to an end I suppose. Thanks for reading!  
> -Jenn Noir


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